Dear Anita,

1. I do suffer from anxiety issues. Sometimes this tendency makes me make a mountain out of a molehill. I don’t know if my childhood has inculcated in me a thought process that evokes the feeling of guilt in me, but I fo dele at times that I am not enough or I am not doing enough. I feel undervalued. Even though I have so many people around me who appreciate me or and love me; but I still feel unloved.

2. It is easier for me to take the blame and avoid conflict because I inherently want peace in all my relationships.

3. It is difficult for me to not place blame on myself, and this break up has catapulted these feelings. The fact that he broke up with me makes feel I MUST be the one who did something wrong.

4. My heart still wants that my ex reaches out to me and apologizes, even though one part of me knows that it will never happen and still I am keeping that hat hope alive.

5. How do I stop stressing over this? How do I give space for emotional healing, when I feel so bad?

6. I feel if I express my dissatisfaction to a person, that person instead of discussing that would just leave. Because people just leave. So, I swallow my dissatisfaction and put a smile on my face and forget about it. But, it is not like I forget about things easily, that dissatisfaction keeps pinching me and keeps eating away at me.

7. I feel sometimes for feeling like this. I feel I am not strong enough, I feel like I will have to carry the weight of any relationship I get into.

8. The thing is I like putting in efforts, I like being there for people; and sometimes just sometimes I would want that feeling to be reciprocated.

I don’t’ know if what I am saying is making sense.

Dear Anita,

You are right. It seems the timing was just off and we were both on different emotional tangents and it may be a blessing in disguise that things ended when they did. Probably his anger was misdirected at me. I really do hope this action of his gave him some peace and happiness.

Yes, his actions often did not follow his words; there were a lot of instances even while were together. These did raise flags in my head, but I ignored them; thinking it is okay; he just needs time and space. But, I guess these flags were the reason I would try and talk to him about the future and what probably led to the early demise of this relationship.

1. But, Anita, please tell me how do I stop blaming myself? I still have thoughts of him, I feel like sending an e-mail to him; giving him a piece of my mind. But, then one part of me stops and tells me it will be pointless and the other part coaxes me to send it. I haven’t sent anything, yet. But, what do you think? Should I tell him the way he acted was wrong and that he should have been more considerate? and how do I rid myself of the guilt? Paradoxical behaviour and thoughts, I know.

2. I have one more question. I have a few books of his (study material) that he had lent to me and they are of no use to me now. Should I post them to him? I don’t want him to think I am trying to contact him or attempting to get back with him by sending the books back or disrespecting his space and decision.

Dear Chatty Lady

Thank you for responding. 🙂

His ex cheated on him and they broke up 2 years ago.

Maybe he was not ready, but he could have told me, no? I at least deserved an explanation, I think. He made me believe he was ready and he was serious.

He never called me clingy; it is I who is calling herself clingy. I MAY have become a bit clingy.

Dear Anita,

I have changed the name; hope this will help clear any confusion. 🙂

1. He met my father towards the end of the relationship (in September); about three weeks prior to his breaking up with me. I also met his mother for the second time around this time only.

2. Okay, yes, I am not okay; but I am trying. It is not easy. I was quite attached to the man and it feels like he just didn’t care about me; however, lead me to believe otherwise.

3. The reason why I mentioned its confusing is because the only reason our arguments occurred was over the future.

4. It would be wrong to say he was not committed; because he said he was. Like I mentioned he wanted us to move to another country. I even helped him professionally and also helped him finish one of his degrees which had been ending for a long time (even before me).

5. Why I said I feel he treated the one night stand better is because his friend knew about her; he told his friend he missed her (yes, these were things before me, but still).

6. We had moved in because his mother had gone out of the city and it was supposed to be buried, but then the lockdown happened and we thought, instead of living apart might as well live together. We were committed at that stage.

7. I never pressured him to make a commitment to me; he only wanted to be exclusive; he was the one who said we are dating; he was the one who proposed the idea of moving in; proposed the idea of moving to other countries; proposed the idea of us having a future together.

8. If he never wanted a long term relationship with me; why make me believe it is serious and that he wants a future with me? Why not just talk to me; tell me? Do I not deserve the decency of at least knowing?

I would not pretend to know or understand what “actually” was in his mind because you can never REALLY know what is going on in one’s mind.

Do I not deserve the courtesy of being told why I am being broken up with ? Or at least do it amicably? Why the hatred and hostility?

9. I don’t really know why he broke up; me accepting that I may have pushed him is me trying to make sense of things because I was never given the opportunity to know what I have done wrong.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for responding. 🙂

1. He met my father in person. I was present. It was a brief meeting (15-20 minutes) and was a causal meeting where my father enquired about his future plans for his career and he shared his back problem that he had with my father (my father is a doctor). As I has to vacate my flat; there wasn’t much time to chit chat for longer duration. After this meeting. I went to drop him off; spent some 15-20 min and then he went back.

2. Well, in the beginning, he said he did not want to tell his mother and brother because they would ask him; what next? and he did not want to have that discussion; and then on further probing and coaxing; he agreed to tell his brother but only when he would talk to him “properly” (this was in July). He still refused to tell his mother (though I have met his mother twice; just not in the capacity of his girlfriend; however I have an inkling that his mother would have a sense that something was going between the two of us; that’s my feeling). So, again naturally I asked him when he planned to tell his brother he said he will tell him when he visits in October and he broke up with me 10 days prior to his brother’s visit.

Further, he later changed his reason for not telling his mother – he said she will ask him to not indulge in all of this and focus on his career. He is 28 and as far as I understand; mothers don’t ask their 28 yo to end relationships; do they?

As for friends – I don’t really know why because I never really saw him speak to any of his friends while I was with him. He would ignore their calls/ texts and I never saw him speak to any of his buddies at all. When I would even prompt him to speak to his friends or meet up with them he just didn’t seem interested in talking to them.

you know – a work colleague of his knew about his one night stand before me – but didn’t know about me! It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

3. Also, I would like to mention here that the previous night I had posed a hypothetical situation for 3 years later and had asked if “horoscope matching” was something he believed in. He said yes and Then I asked him what would he do if our horoscopes didn’t match? would he leave me 3 years later? he said yes he would. this propelled an argument and he for irritated (which was an often reaction of his to whenever I tried talking about the future).

4. I am also going to admit here that as mentioned previously I had been going through some anxiety issues from Aug-till the break up and I MAY have gotten clingy/ emotionally needy; and him not answering my calls/ texts would really make me anxious and this would also sometimes cause arguments. though, I understood that his work was demanding but I never could understand how could one not even find 10 seconds to reply or text; especially if they know it caused anxiety to the other one. But, I still tried to remain calm.

It all seems so confusing and weird.