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November 4, 2020 at 6:51 am #368645
SoxParticipantYes, ma’am. Thank you for your kind words and generosity. 🙂
November 4, 2020 at 5:53 am #368638SoxParticipantThank you, dear Anita. I think of myself to be quite empathetic and thoughtful and I feel things and emotions too deeply, more deeply than most people (which seems like a curse at times), but yes, this helps me in attempting to understand people and their particular situations better, if not completely.
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This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by
Sox.
November 3, 2020 at 11:29 pm #368635November 3, 2020 at 11:16 pm #368634SoxParticipantI don’t know you, but on the basis of what you have stated, you seem like a decent enough fellow. You have approached certain things and people in the wrong way, yes, but it doesn’t mean you are bad, wrong or a fuck boy. I think the first step that you should take is to stop thinking of yourself in this light. The more negative light you think of yourself in, the more you will project that negativity onto the world and as result on people. For people to see the real you, the good in you, I think you should start seeing yourself in that way. All of us have our issues, but recognising and accepting that you are human, you are not perfect and that you are at fault is the first step towards becoming the better and even so the best version of yourself.
I understand how “A” cheating on you must have sent you on a roller coaster ride of negative emotions, how deeply hurt you must have been because of her callousness, but please don’t let actions define you, your worth or guide your actions. You projected your hurt and insecurities on “B”, but the fact that you did right by “C” means that you have transformed or rather you are back to who you are the core – a decent human being. That is all you need to show to “B”.
Sometimes in relationships, we push people away because they are so close to discovering the truth of who we are, what we are; we act in ways that end up hurting them in order to “protect” ourselves. We, as humans, need to accept and embrace our vulnerabilities. Vulnerability is often misconstrued, it is misunderstood; but it what makes us “we”, “you” and “I”>
I would suggest that you drop her a message before you decide to meet her in person. Ask her if she is willing to talk to you; maybe over a call if not in person. I know you need to meet her and apologise and show her who you really are; but please realize she may not be comfortable. It is important that you ensure that she feels comfortable enough to meet you. If and when you do meet her, be honest. Be honest as if your life depends on it, because you will get one chance, and once change only. Make it count. but, please don’t get disheartened if she chooses not to meet or if she chooses not to respond. Please don’t spiral back. And always remember, actions speak louder than words. You will have to show her that you are working on yourself, you are improving and you are willing to put int he efforts even in the future to work on yourself.
You are a work in progress, my friend, and you have a long road ahead, but be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself (extremely important). Forgive yourself for the mistakes you have committed, learn from those mistakes, and grow. Believe in yourself, forgive A and your ex-best friend. You are a star, remember that and let no one tell you otherwise. Don’t let the actions of someone else dim your brightness and goodness.
I hope from all my heart that you love yourself and accept yourself for who you are; a human being!
Shine on you crazy diamond!
November 3, 2020 at 10:51 pm #368633SoxParticipantDear Anita,
You have been most helpful and I really appreciate you taking out time and putting in efforts to read my posts and help me through this. It has been quite therapeutic for me to write here. Thank you, from all my heart. 🙂
November 2, 2020 at 8:54 pm #368563SoxParticipantDear Anita,
I sent a message yesterday. I expressed in the most succinct manner I could and wrote that he should have at least given me a reason for breaking up and I expressed hope that he shows kindness and empathy towards other people. I wished him well and said my goodbye.
I don’t expect him to respond and he has not blocked that number, surprisingly.
November 2, 2020 at 8:52 pm #368562SoxParticipantDear Danny,
You wronged B, yes, but my question was how did you end things with C? Was it mutual, did you do it respectfully? Did you leave her hanging, did you talk her or not?
As for B, apologising in person maybe the thing YOU want, but is it what SHE wants? You need to be mindful and respectful of what she wants and her space. Is she even willing to talk to you? Before you attempt to contact B, it is important you know within yourself WHY you want to contact her? A lot of our actions are motivated by loneliness ( I don’t mean any offence).
November 1, 2020 at 10:21 pm #368510SoxParticipantDear Anita
Well, when you wrote “it reads like you somewhat expects or hopes that he will reach out in return, or if you reach out to him with your hand, figuratively, he will take your hand into his.” There is some truth in this sentence. My attempt at reaching out to him by way of this letter or message is that he realizes his mistake and apologizes to me. I want him to recognize that he hurt me, that his actions hurt me. That is why I am confused if messaging him/ sending a letter is correct or not.
November 1, 2020 at 7:29 am #368499SoxParticipantDear Anita,
As far as I know he cannot get a restraining order, not in this part of the world. We don’t have that law here.
No, he belongs to a different city.
I don’t want to cause him any physical harm, I don’t even want to abuse him. Not at all. I just want him to know what he made me feel and how he could have been considerate of my feelings. Do you mind if I share that letter here? Or can I send it to you privately?
I don’t want to lessen my worth, I don’t want to be adjudged on the basis of his actions. Actions speak louder than words. I don’t want him to feel, “Oh, she is still after me”.
A friend (not a mutual friend) has been insisting on me reaching out to him, saying “my” goodbye to get closure, but I don’t believe reaching out will give me closure, will it? Closure is in my hands, isn’t it? I can move on without sending that text?
I don’t want to inflate his ego by telling him how much he hurt me. In heart of hearts, a person always knows, right?
November 1, 2020 at 4:11 am #368494SoxParticipantIt has been one month today, and I am just feeling lost again. Should I reach out from a different number (I am still blocked)?
November 1, 2020 at 2:21 am #368491SoxParticipantDear Anita,
I am trying to practice mindfulness on my own, even follow meditation practices.
I am not very comfortable in going to therapy where I am situated at the moment because it is a small town where everyone knows everyone and I know I will not be able to open up. Online therapy seems to be the only option at the moment, but I am very unsure if it will help me or not.
Do you think it would be wise to give him a piece of my mind? Write a letter or an email or a message on Whatsapp or call him from some other number ?
October 31, 2020 at 10:59 am #368483SoxParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you so much for your kind offer. I really appreciate that you have taken such a generous interest in helping me out. It is rare. For me to be able to answer this properly, I would have to introspect; A LOT.
I really appreciate and respect your candour in sharing your story with me. I hope you are better now. 🙂
Can you please suggest some ways on how to deal with the anxiety I described? As you wrote “Fast forward, as an adult, someone says: I’ll call/ text in an hour and does not-> the child within the adult fears that the person will never call again, she panics and calls and calls.. not receiving the promised call or text feels like being left alone for a forever.”; this is exactly how I feel. This then gives birth to insecurities.
Anita, every day is a task for me, emotionally. The emotions I have been feeling; of abandonment; deceit. My heart feels heavy and weary. I keep on battling between improving, self-empowering and then reach the brink of slipping into what seems like an emotional tornado. I feel like I am rising one moment, and eclipsing the next. My mind keeps on wandering to why me?! and then I feel bad about feeling bad, I feel I should be stronger and have a more positive attitude.
October 30, 2020 at 11:25 pm #368467SoxParticipantDanny,
Two questions for you:
1. Do you intend to get back with B?
2. How did you end things with C? Were you respectful towards her?
October 30, 2020 at 11:21 pm #368466SoxParticipantDear Anita,
Yes, I understand this is for me and you are not trying to hurt my parents. 🙂
Bear with me, barring the merits of the correctness and otherwise; doesn’t the general style of parenting involve yelling? Is that not that is practised universally? Does that instil my kind of core belief in every child?
Anita, you had mentioned you shared the same core belief as mine; do you mind sharing how your core belief came to be developed?
Before we delve deeper into this, I wanted to state one particular situation that really triggers my anxiety in relationships – say if someone says they will call/ text back within a particular time frame and they fail to do that (due to any reason), I get anxious a lot and end up calling/ texting them. Then if this pattern continues it triggers my anxiety to a very unmanageable extent.
Coming back to my childhood and how yelling may have instilled this core belief in me; how do I solve this? How do I rid my core of the belief that I am always wrong/ guilty?
October 29, 2020 at 11:56 pm #368434SoxParticipantDear Anita,
I was a notorious kid; would create a ruckus everywhere. I could not and would not sit at one place, and that is why I invited my parents’ scorn at times. the other times were if I underperformed at school or was not willing to work hard.
I was papmered a lot as i was the first child and an only child till my sister was born.
Why i say I am the black sheep is because I belong to an extrememly hard working family, where eveyrone is extremely studious and I was always upto something (extremely notorius). I would always want to do things differently and dicspline and obideience did not come naturally to me at all. I would reason, ask why am I beign scolded or why what I am doing is wrong? And that is why I feel like the black sheep. I feel I have always had a very indepedent thought process, which was very different from what my cousins and other family members had (even as a child) and that is why i think I maybe the black sheep. I was nevever disfvaoured; infact like i said I was pamered.
Do you think my anxiety issues and the core belief that I am always wrong, or I am the guilty one has emanated as a reuslt of me beign yelled at?
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