Hey Charli! I’m sending you a big hug. I’m about your age, and can really, really relate to that dissonance between how my heart and mind feel and how I know with my head how I should be feeling. I know there’s happiness out there, I’ve felt it before! I know, too, that thinking you’ll be depressed for a long time is a scary thought. I think that you’re going to be good though, because you’re looking in at these thoughts and not letting them stay. Not everyone takes so much time to look inward or reach out for help, so I think even if your feelings haven’t changed, you’re halfway there!

Letting healthy habits take root is a good thing. More sleep, more exercise, real foods, and going light on the caffeine and alcohol can all do wonders. I’m starting to believe in this affirmation and meditation stuff, too. Relationship wise, I think that maybe being with this person you felt nearly right with could have made you question why you weren’t happy. If he was so wonderful, so sweet, treated you so well, how could you give up such a good thing? It’s because something about him didn’t make you as happy as you know you could be! It’s not your depression’s fault, it’s not your fault, it simply wasn’t right. Now you’ve got to open your heart, scary and uncomfortable as it is, and keep faith that you will find happiness and that your life will bring you someone who makes you feel secure and like a million bucks. Love and heartbreak are hard. They sometimes make it hard to remember that there are many, many fish in the sea.

I think you likely have a stronger sense of self than you realize. Love yourself and appreciate the awesome experience it is to explore and get to know new parts of yourself all the time. You’re going to be great!