I gave up on the letter last night. I met this friend and I was telling her the whole story and while I was saying it and hearing myself talking, I felt like I’ve been so stupid so far…

Yesterday I talked to him because I needed to move a desk from my old office to my house and I needed a car for transport, we established we will meet this morning at 8:30 to move it, in front of his block. I sent him an sms, waited for 30 min, he did not show up. He called me 1 hour later, I did not pick up. I’m kinda done. I am so pissed on his lack of humanity and respect.

My best friend is the girlfriend of one of his best friends. She told me that the 3 of them met this Tuesday, talking random things (not about us) and the guy was very chill…

So yeah, this morning thing needed to happen so I can feel so nervous to cut him for good.

Do you think this letter is a good idea?

Sometimes I do…I need attention, i’m sometimes jealous, and he wanted to feel free…

However i never felt i was exaggerate or anything, but he kept on acting that he wanted to do what he felt like in many situations and I was not supposed to comment or feel bad about it…this was his impression of freedom.

Yes.

He might have been mature then , at the beginning, but he is not anymore..or maybe he panicked and did not want to take the level of responsibility for a serious relationship…or maybe he is just a liar, finding it hard to let me go with honesty, saying he wants somebody else, instead of telling me he loves me and that he wants to experiment…i find it very hard to believe actually…

The majority of us want to be loved and cherished …he is a very sentimental guy, i doubt he does not want somebody close…

Anyway I guess I will never know the truth…and what will bother me forever is the lying, in the end…don’t say you want to write me something nice and never do it, or don t say you want to spend 1 day per week with me and actually never planning to do it ever…i can’t understand this level of lying…it’s fucked.

@anita, let me give you an update:)

Last Friday, I broke the NC rule. I was drunk [yeah, this is when it usually happens :)] and I sent him a simple and short text saying ‘I don’t agree anymore with the 1 month break’. I sent it at midnight and I didn’t get any response back…

The second day I called him , it was lunch time and he was sleeping, said he will call me back once he wakes up. He did not, but he sent me a message saying to get in touch in the evening cause he was not feeling very well and he has some things to do also in the meantime. Of course, he went out in the city with friends.  I texted him saying it’s urgent to talk and I need to see him, so we did this in the end in the evening.

I went to his place and I encountered an attitude I did not see in him before, something like ‘heeey girl, do you want to leave for good? then leave for good’, he was cheerful apparently and wanted to see me also happy. I said I was unconfortable with his attitude, he said yeah, sometimes I am like that also, again we talked, he said yeah i love you but i’m fucked, I can’t be present with you because i am not well with myself (he said that the morning i called he was not feeling well because he has woken up feeling like the last person on earth), that is easy to be present with friends but not with me because there are emotions. Also we talked again about freedom, he said that now he is feeling like “loco loco” and not searching for a relationshiop, that what are we? we are 2 free people that love each other bla bla and all this conversation just got me like….man u are so confused geez.

Then we laid down in bed, and he started saying: until when will we play this game? we are not letting go, none of us. What are we? He said again: 2 free people that love each other. I did not cry and started to make some jokes and just looking at him crying. I asked why he is crying, and he said that beneath everything, somewhere deep down, i want to be with you…Then of course we wanted to have sex, I said no no, we are not fuck buddies. So we just touched a bit and went to sleep.

The next day I just woke up and left, we was leaving again with friends to some green space, I texted him saying i need my money back (he has some money to give me) , he said ok, i also said to stop ignoring me like he does and really open up and be true, he said he was going to write to me a lot that day because he will have time to himself, and that something changed the night before when i was with him and that he will write me..HE DID NOT.

Sunday night I felt really sick , also my bike was stolen from my block, so i texted him in the morning to come and visit after work. Which he did. He said we need to stop talking about us when we see each other because none of us is well now and we don’t solve anything. He said we need to do well to ourselves first and then see what will be. He said he does not ignore me because he does not want to see me, but because we keep on talking about this , we are tired and we need to be joyful. And what to do? So we said that 1 time per week we will have 1 day for ourselves when we will spend time and in the rest of the week we just focus on ourselves. I said i want him to be the 1st to propose the day, he said ok.

Then we stayed for a little while, he kissed me on the forehead and left.

Honestly, i just think this is major bullshit 🙂 I just feel he is lying to me, i think he has some other girls he is talking to and keep him very busy, not having time to deal with sad stuff like our thing. He’s not the type to be alone, although he says we wants to be free. So now i’m just like….fuck off with the lying. I resent lying.

I don’t even think he will propose any day to spend that time…really now 🙂

🙂

Well, we did not agree to a date of ending the NC..we just said one month and this was last Sunday.

You mean I should propose this to him now, during NC?

They are the kind of people you can talk anything with, they are simple people, they live at the countryside, always welcoming and making you feel like at home, they joke, they are transparent etc.

They are giving him money when he needs it, they are helping him with anything else he might need, always making sure he is ok, calling etc.

However they complain sometimes that he his not very present with them, only calling from time to time, not coming to visit to often, they are worried he is not very responsible with his life etc…