Oh wow,

2 thoughtful answers within a short time. I feel honored and grateful. Indeed.

It is through your responses that I’ve had another chance to look at the situation (or my view of the situation) and would like to add some thoughts:

– When I try to analyze myself, I think what allures me is the image of the other person projected in my ‘fantasies’, not her real self. And because we almost have no chance to see each other in person, the ‘fantasies’ grows. Facebook and text messages are those very effective ‘fertilizers’.
– On the same analysis, I know that the other person is struggling in her personal life, facing loneliness, boredom and social pressure to have a ‘relationship.’ I do want to reach out to her, just as anyone else who’s suffering. It’s just this situation that makes it complicated. Oh well, that may be an excuse for my affection you may say (and I can’t deny)..

– I do agree with @amatt, the best way to deal with it is to “figure out what it is that this other woman provides that you’re not finding at home, and ask for it, look for it, grow it.” What makes it tricky here is that I can’t be sure to myself what it is. It’s most likely that I’m unconsciously projecting all the qualities that I feel missing from my wife on to the other person – while deep down inside I know it’s meaningless. We are who we are, after all. The next best thing may be to accept ourselves as we are, no more no less. With this achieved, there is less expectations and hence less ‘missing qualities’ and projections. I believe this will gradually come through meditation, compassion and love. Also “a ton of courage.”

@markwillhelp: thank you for your response. Thank you. Thinking again it may not be “that spiritual juice that is missing from my wife” – it may be all those “missing qualities” that I mentioned above, which I know more than anyone else, is a mere illusion. The other person, to my best knowledge, is just as materialistic as anyone amongst us – so at least I have no illusion that I’m seeking any spiritual juice there. Other juice, perhaps 😉

@amatt: thank you for your response. Thank you. Admittedly, you’re right to mention my “consideration of her as less developed” – yes it does happen and it’s one of the very first traps of the ‘enlightenment and shit’ symptom. My favorite quote is one of Japanese Zen master Oda Sesso (1901-66), who warned, “There is little to choose between a man lying in the ditch heavily drunk on rice liquor, and a man heavily drunk on his own ‘enlightenment’!” – rest assured I’m working on that!

I can not disagree either that the situation makes me “feel less confident just being who I am” – yes this may be one of the very few things that challenge my equanimity. Again I believe this can be overcome through meditation, compassion and love, gradually, over time.

This too, shall pass. All these text messages, all these fantasies shall pass, one way or another, started from one person or another. For better or worse. The only thing I’m sure about is my commitment to peace of mind, for myself and all those around me, starting with the two women.

Metta,

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by ohwell.