Narsil, I have come a long way on my journey since last posting. Here is a website that might be helpful: http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-materials1/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/

Also search for a podcast called “Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries.”

Love and good wishes, Sister.

Beautifully written, Narsil. So much of what you describe is me, halfway around the world. Realize that everything I’ve written below might possibly be the blind leading the blind, so take it with a grain of salt k?

To me, what you’re describing doesn’t automatically translate to “leave Rome and boyfriend.”

First thought was that some of your conflict with your boyfriend might be differences in personality. I was inspired to suggest you search “Frank James INFJ” on YouTube. His videos have  been super helpful doses of reality/objectivity for me. Maybe you’re an INFJ type? In case you’re not already waaay past this, you can take a personality test online. I’ve been reading a ton too, mainly about Myers-Briggs functions (Ni, Fe, Ti, Se) and it’s helping me understand myself and my husband in a whole new light. From what you’ve written, it sounds like you’ve spent years defining yourself based on your ideas around your relationship. This is apparently common for INFJs, I just learned from the FJ videos. He explains why, too. Old habits take time and work to change, but you’re clearly willing to put in the work. I also learned a lot about compassionate boundary-setting from a Canadian child & family therapist named Jennifer Kolari.

A potential plan of action follows. Not prescriptive…just bouncing ideas. You’ll know if anything is a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ for you:

(1) As soon as possible, get out of your head and start trying things in the Real World. What can you do that will make you feel helpful, valuable and worthwhile in a way that lights you up? Volunteering a couple hours a week. Or find a career where the organization’s goal is meaningful, you like who you work with, and you’re making enough money to live the way you want. (2) Do more things that get you out of your head and into your body: meditation, sports, hiking, horseback riding, working out, yoga, etc. (3) Give it time to build a new you. If you have the resources and think it would be helpful, get your own place or move into a separate room that’s 100% yours—if you need alone time, hopefully he’ll understand that creating a new pattern is easier with a supportive environment. It’s not punishment, it’s to help you find wholeness. One of my close friends says separate bedrooms saved her marriage. (4) Identify and set your boundaries: enough alone time, enough quality time together, family members, kids, sleep, gifts, etc. Define what you absolutely must have, then enforce your boundaries with compassion. (5) Okay, he can’t live in London, but can he do couples counseling? It sounds like he wants to learn how to be supportive and do things that light you up, but he might need an actionable, reality-based blueprint, e.g., “when I [you] do X for you [him], it would mean a lot to me to receive Y.” (Fill in examples of your and his love languages.) Especially because of his career, he’s capable of sharing in the emotional labor of communication; it’s not all on you. Bring him into the process now that you’re more aware of what you’ve been bringing to the table. (PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK WOMAN, BECAUSE THAT’S HUGE!!! More than most! You make the world a better place by owning your stuff and addressing it, and I love and appreciate you for it.) (6) You’ve tried 1–5 with unsatisfying results: follow Inky’s advice.

Hope that helps. I know you are amazing, and so is your boyfriend!

This is all new awareness and ideas. Would love to hear feedback if anything doesn’t make sense to you, because it might help me get a better hold on my situation.

I’ve been married to a kind, intelligent, playful man for 15 years. I’d describe myself as a multi-talented people pleaser (in recovery). I have slowly melted my identity into his, even including my job…a supportive role in our 2-person business. For his well-intentioned reasons, I also allowed our current lifestyle—basically his dream life and the opposite of how I thrive—because I haven’t been solid on what I need, let alone how to stand up for it. This isn’t my husband’s fault; I’ve been re-creating my parents’ ultra gender-role dynamic instead of changing my environment or how I communicate. I’m in the process of making adjustments. I too am reading exhaustively and working with a therapist. I’m trying my best to stay in an exercise routine. I’m house-sitting for vacationing relatives, solo, for another month or so. He and I are talking. It’s kind of a mess, but also I’m excited for what will sprout from all this sh^t. 😉