Dear anita,

We finally got together two months ago, he came over to the country I work, and we were officially together, I was so happy this happen after the two years struggle. Apparently he had the same struggle as me throughout the two years of not knowing if I likes him back. We both talked a lot during that time, and we were both compatible in many ways, we both wanted to be childless and agreed to move in together next year, we will have our separate room in order to focus on own work. He also mentioned about getting married. In short, things were going smoothly between us.

He was being kind and loving towards me too, he is also aware of my insecurity, recently he volunteered to unfollow a female artist that I was jealous of (a mutual friend of us teased that he liked her, and that triggered my anxiety, which leads me to confront him of that, he denied it and confess his love to me on that day). We have sorted out that incident during that time, I shared that I was being cheated in a past relationship, which result in me being insecure and uncomfortable of him getting close with other female friend. He understands that and says we will both face my insecurity together.

Despite him being understanding and caring, I realised my insecurities has happened quite frequently recently. A week ago he attended an art market, and a female fan gave him a pack of foods and drink, with a message card asking him to eat well and take care. He showed me the message card and I started to overthink again. Occasionally I also express my insecurity and a lack of self confident, in which I start to worry if this will affect our relationship negatively.

I told him I’ll try to be more trusting, however it’s hard for me to get this under control. And despite him saying it’s not big deal, recently I’ve noticed there is a decline of our interaction since his art market last week. It can be understood as he is busying with delivering his art orders so he can focus on our short trip happening next week. But the anxious part of me would worry if he has starting to lost interest in me after all the insecurities. That worries slowly amplified when he didn’t initiate the chat for few hours. And the more I feel insecure, the more I feel guilty and feel bad of myself. After all, he has done everything he could and there is no proof that he did any wrong. It is all about me being insecure. I really wanted to fix this but I don’t know how. We are still having long distance relationship and we meet once every 2 months in average, that doesn’t help much on my insecurity. How can I do to be more secure in relationship? I really don’t wan’t it affecting this relationship negatively

Dear anita

Yup it will be a in-person dinner gathering at my home town. I have tinted sunscreen that might helps in covering so it shouldn’t be an issue, thanks for the suggestion, I shall bring along the concealer that bought not long ago too just in case. This morning I’ve been start preparing for documents needed to cross country, finger crossed everything will be going smooth next week.

I try not to think about blushing and other reaction, I need some self confidence, probably will write some gratitude journal later

Dear anita,

I’m feeling calmer, my friend still initiate interaction with me as usual, although I still feels like I shouldn’t depend my happiness on him, still trying to shift focus to something else. We’ll be having gathering with mutual friends next week, I feel nervous thinking about it.

Dear Anita:

I should have mention it earlier, but YES I’m finally able to fly back hometown after 2 years of seperation, and yes both of us staying in same hometown too, it’ll be until end of February 2022!

He is not that important in your life

I understand that relationship is not 100% of our life, in fact, before pandemic I was happy and confident despite being single. Back then I had a healthy social life and also I visit to gym frequently. Since pandemic happens and we started working from home, my daily social life was basically dropped to almost none. And this guy friend is the only one who text me daily and accompany me throughout the pandemic. Guess this is how the strong attachment formed. I’m still trying to distract from focusing too much on this relationship, that I’m planning to join yoga class or maybe short course in near future.

Dear Anita

Ever since I experienced betrayal and painful breakup from past relationship, I became paranoia and its hard to trust people anymore. It somehow affects me till now. This current guy friend has been an artist with lots of fans, sometimes when I see fans commented on his photo that he’s cute I felt jealous. He is also friend of other artists and there is one talented pretty lady who is successful in her art career that I often compared myself with, and felt envy. When he doesn’t text me in long hour, i guess he’s been texting with many others people, and that’s where the anxiety stems.

it is possible that he prefers a long-distance almost-relationship over a committed, in-person relationship

From my understanding of his past relationship, it started from him getting close with his ex girlfriend as a coworker -> it leads to more texting -> eventually they got together after getting closer. So I worried this would happen in his new working place too. By the way I finally able to go back hometown soon (2 weeks later) and will be staying there for one month. Will see how we progress from there.

I wonder how a gratitude journal can help your sense of self/ self-esteem?

I’m not too sure as this has just started for the 3rd day, I’m trying to acknowledge and appreciate every action taken by myself that helps in self growth.

 Is there no way for you to socialize in-person with people?

Sometimes I socialize with other tenant of the same household, but the interaction is minimal. Once every two months (in average) I meet up with friends too. Aside from that, I have video call one a week with parents. Most of the time, I’m alone when going out for movies or grocery shopping. I’m still looking for ways to meet more new friends, and recently looking up for yoga classes hoping it would fill up my time a little.

Dear Anita

Thank you again for taking effort to look back previous post, much appreciated

And you’re right that what happened between Dec 2020-Feb 2021 is occurring again this time, its just the same timing and same reason! I understands its not realistic to expect the same texting frequency as previously since the ‘relationship’ is not as new as before, but sometimes its still nerve wracking thinking that he might lost interest and now he got a new working environment that he will meet new colleagues/friends.

He has spent lots and lots of time communicating with you daily for close to two years, so I figure that he is emotionally attached to you and is likely to increase the communication current communication frequency after he completes his personal project

The fact that during Jun-Dec of 2021 we have been texting a lot, to the point he sacrifice sleeping time just to have the night talk, almost everyday. I’m utterly grateful for that. And then we slowly run out of topic, and in mid Dec 2021 he mentioned he has to focus on personal project, and that was when the frequency starting to drop.

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 it is possible that he prefers a long-distance almost-relationship over a committed, in-person relationship.

It might be true because he mentioned he needs lots of personal space before. Currently I’m suffering from loneliness after working from home for 2 years, most of the time there is nobody I can talk to, I’m socially deprived and has no life. Which can contribute to my neediness towards him.

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What about the online therapy you mentioned last year?

It’s still on-going since March 2021 till now, the therapist thinks that he has been quite consistent and stable, its mostly my overthinking and low self-esteem that causes so much suffering. I’ve been practising CBT for the past month, sometimes it helps. And now I’m just getting started on practicing writing gratitude journal, hope it helps in improving my sense of self/self-esteem.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Notebookb6.

Dear Anita

Thanks for highlighting how my childhood issues affect my current emotional situation. Last week I had the first psychotherapy session and it was a getting to know session, the therapist manages to nail down my current issue into two major parts to be dig deeper:
1. my anxious reaction when my male friend is less responsive than usual
2. low self-esteem/lack of sense of self

Its going to take a while until it got things figured out, today I’ll be having a second online therapy session, I have the hope that things will eventually be sorted out. Will keep you updated