Hi anita. It’s nice to see you. Thank you

Mmm, I suppose I meant that dreamy comment more generally. I know most are finding life very difficult right now during the pandemic, and it’s been a huge upheaval for many. Have you been coping ok?

Some updates. Have been living in my own place for a little over a year now. Enjoying the peace and quiet. Generally it’s okay, unless I’m struggling with mental health, and then I find it more difficult to look after myself. I started going to a gym group twice a week, currently cancelled. I was about to look into volunteering again in March, but covid.

Something shameful I may aswell put bluntly.. I’m having an affair with a married man. To quote him,”he is using me for sex.” He’s made it very clear he doesn’t have feelings and doesn’t see it as being an affair as it’s just sex. I like him very much, and I know I should stop, it’s against my morals, and isn’t good for my wellbeing. Never thought I’d be capable of it but here I am.

I shall ask.

Can I keep talking here? I appreciate talking here.

Dear anita,

I guess the fact that it’s what I was used to was comforting, changes are often unsettling aren’t they.

That sounds like a peaceful morning. 🙂

Thank you anita. Yes – I put up the curtains my aunt lent me for now.
I’m not sure how I have more free time. I think it’s because I’m not at home and my brain isn’t thinking about what my family is doing. I would spend a lot of time on the computer or generally looking at screens. I think it was as a distraction, but now I’m alone I don’t feel the need to distract myself so much.

I feel generally disinterested in everything right now and hope this will pass.

anita,

My aunt has lent me some old curtains so hopefully good to go now. 🙂

I couldn’t ask him of those things. His job is very important to him. I just need to deal with it; it is my problem and not his, and I don’t want to cause any futher trouble.

It’s gone a little worse today. Packing things – I don’t have a lot to pack really, but I’m finding it unexpectedly stressful. I’m feeling really detached from everything and I’m not quite sure why.

& Also no. I will still be able to get the bus there. I feel a bit more isolated though because my original plan was to move to the city center where I would be around people and be able to do things in the evening, like a class or group, but that won’t be an option now because I can’t drive and there isn’t late public transport.

I’m glad you’re well. Thank you, for always replying here. I know I’m not the only one who is very grateful for it! ♥

I might just ramble, if that’s okay, I’ve not really spoken about it to anyone and it would be nice to do so.

I started volunteering last year at a cafe which both of us love, with his encouragement. The staff are amazing; it’s such a positive and passionate atmosphere about things I value. I really enjoy being there, even just washing the dishes. But it’s become harder to go there since we’ve broken up. If he is there I don’t go in there, and vice versa. I feel like it’s more ‘his place’, and they are ‘his friends’, and I have hurt him by breaking up with him so people won’t like me. A very paranoid part of me worries he is turning everyone against me, which I know isn’t true. The few times I’ve gone in there they are lovely to me, and I know realistically none of this even occurs to them. I spoke recently to them about starting up my volunteering again and they were very welcoming.
But it has become this fear I don’t know what to do about. He said he was jealous of me having other friends, and had a worry that people like others more than they like him. He was kind and I don’t think would do any of this, but it’s an intrusive thought I can’t control.

Maybe part of it is that this is all new for me? He was my first adult relationship. I’ve not broken up with anyone, I miss him terribly, and of course it’s going to be awkward after for both of us.

I’m just a bit frustrated at myself, I don’t want this to get in the way of volunteering or my treatment, but I am letting it do so