I feel a bit lonely, and want to write here, but don’t actually know what to say. But I know I’m not lonely here, thanks to you anita, and others on the forum.

Thank you for your reply. That does make sense, but.. I thought pushing through anxiety was the goal? I feel like by not going I would be conceding. It will only make it harder to travel in the future; something I’d like to do.

My dad often argues with mum aswell, so having some space for a week would do both of them good I imagine.

I don’t know what to do, I’m so stressed, so I’m going to ramble here and think aloud

My family were meant to be going away on a walking holiday Saturday morning. My mum has been on and off about the trip because a) she threatened she wouldn’t be going because she wanted some space from my dad and aunt, and b) she has a lot ailments which make traveling and walking hard. This seems to have gotten worse over the past 2 years.

Yesterday she texts me to say she’s not going as she sprained her leg in her sleep(?). Today I ask dad what’s going on, and he says he is going anyway, it isn’t a problem if I don’t go, but he asks that I stay at home with mum for a few days because he doesn’t know where her mind is at the moment. I feel like I cannot win either way. I feel terrible my dad going on holiday without his immediate family (his sister-in-law and nephew will be there, but we won’t). I keep getting images in my head of him being alone. I feel we as a family have done nothing but let him down, always.

I want to rise up and try and be a better daughter and go with him, but the thought of going makes me incredibly anxious:

– Being away from home is a struggle, travelling makes me sick, and last time I got on a plane I had a serious panic attack and promised myself I’d never go on a plane again, I was convinced we’d die..  I’m sort of positive the plane will explode.. but then i feel bad if I didn’t go because dad would die alone on it.. which is really silly and panicky but my brain??????

– I feel my aunt and cousin don’t particularly like me. I am the black sheep on the family, the one who would get into trouble, the ‘over reactor’, or one who would openly disagree with people. (I used to stand up for my beliefs, and still do to a degree, and they usually conflict with the rest of my family.) I feel like they look down on me and I don’t know how much of that is imaginary.

– I’m just not very good company, holidays mean going out for meals which makes me anxious, and family members getting drunk, which makes me uncomfortable to be around

– I know mum is responsible for herself and I’d be enabling her by staying home, but I keep getting images of her in my head where she’s drunk and hurt and .. what if she overdoses and no-one is there?? It doesn’t seem like a safe time right now given she only went to A&E a few days ago?? She is always injuring herself when she’s drunk

– Mum would be left alone with my brother who is a bully to her, verbally abusive, has thrown things at her and been threatening

– On the other hand if I stay with mum, I could give my brother a break from ‘looking after’ her since I will be the one to be keeping an eye on things, and also I could spend some quality time with them both which I’ve not done lately

– I’m letting down my dad yet again by not going

It’s a no win situation and I don’t know what to do, but also I feel terrible for even complaining because I’m blessed that I have a family, and we have an opportunity to go away

‘Moving forward’ just feels a bit difficult at the moment. Over the past few years, my moving forward has equalled going outside and trying to take part in something social. That’s not really an option right now. I need to remember this stuckness is only temporary, but then, I keep reading bad things about covid and hearing “another lockdown is on it’s way”, and “this is what life will be like for the forseeable future”, and it’s like.. well I will be stuck like this for a while then.

On a plus side, I did some drawing yesterday. It was really enjoyable. I read somewhere a way to get in touch with yourself is to do things you liked as a child/teen. Do you think that’s true? I can see how it could be. It very much worked though, I really enjoyed drawing. I think I’ll treat myself to some new paint brushes. 🙂

I’m glad things have improved for you. I agree, and that’s how I’ve come to view my own anxiety. I know it’ll never go away but hopefully it is becoming more managable. Things over the past few years have gotten easier, but that’s because I’ve not tried many new things, and I know when I do try new things it rears it’s ugly head. I need to stop shying away from it and put myself out there again if I want things to change but it’s hard sometimes isn’t it.

Ah, I’m diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder. Actually I think a few things have floated around over time; panic disorder, social anxiety, depressive and agoraphobic tendencies. I guess when I say my mental illness, I mean my anxiety. I try to see it as separate to my personality and like to label it as an illness.

I don’t think it’s visiting them that mantains my anxiety though. Being around them does make me very stressed, but I’m also anxious whenever I go out, or socialise. I can be anxious or depressed when I’m home alone.

Oh wow. It’s curious that its time time of year again.

Sorry I wasn’t very clear. We meet at my home aswell as in town.

Before covid, I would go to the gym twice a week, was doing some home workouts, and had plans to start volunteering again, as well as look for some sort of social group. I wanted to look into a course to do as I like to learn. (I was volunteering last year, but stopped due to panic attacks in the work place and haven’t returned.)

To be honest, even before covid, I was wasting most of my time looking at a screen. I play a lot of games and have some friends online I talk to. I try to go for a walk every day but that’s hard. I do some macrame, and have intentions to bake more, read, draw, and sew. But I’ve been saying that for years, and it rarely happens. I try and go to see family once every couple of weeks.

I oversleep a lot. Bed in the early morning and sleep through until noon. I’m trying to get up earlier again.

It’s strange to read it back. Thank you for the reminder. I understand what you’re saying. I think you’re correct, I’m not afraid of hurting him. I’m definitely more at ease with him than I was with my ex boyfriend. I think I’m also not worried I can scare him away since he isn’t mine in the first place.