John,

you are 100% right on (again). i did idealize him. i made him such a hero that even when I read blogs on TB, my mind goes back to the things he use to say to me. He would tell me to be the center of my own world. He would tell me that he loved me for who i was. He would tell me to think positive. In all of these memories coming up, i forget that he also told me that its only him and i that matter in this world. He also yelled at me for anything i would do that didn’t fit his norm. He would also never let me in even though i would beg and cry about it. in the emails i re-read yesterday, there was so much hope and promise from him. he was to never leave me. we were in for the better and worst but i ignored the actions. i ignored that he was actively trying to change me. he was actively trying to make me like his ex. he was actively lying to me.

I hope i start feeling like i am making progress and not feel like i am drowning. I feel so overwhelmed with his memories. i am still blaming myself for everything as he couldn’t do anything wrong. I will read the articles you sent but in time. I still feel very weak and unwilling to nurture myself. unwilling to look within to find that love. with him it felt so good. I don’t know how and when i can feel like that with myself. its such a shame that someone like me who has gone through real hardships in life is thinking this way. I grew up in a slump and moved to america when i was 14. i battled through my parent’s bankruptcy and put myself through college. I think I looked at all the men in my life as a rescue. i was so exhausted of doing everything on my own that when my ex said that he will be there for me forever, i decided to let him in and believe him. I was looking to change jobs beginning of this year and he told me to take that leap because even if was the worst decision, he was my net. he will catch me if i fall. those words were so powerful. i know i was and am a broken person and he is too. we both attracted each other because of that but what do I do of these memories? how do i forget those words?

Haha that’s great. I get it. I know this “getting to know myself” process is difficult at time but i can see the humor in all of this. I know all the answers already. they are in me. also like everyone says “the proof in the pudding”. The fact that none of these relationship lasted and the fact that I asked more questions as time passed with all these men, is a good sign. I should be proud.

Thanks again

Thank you John. I appreciate you taking the time. you are right. i have always been in the mindset that ill be ok when i find “that guy” or ill be ok when i have more friends. I get it now. this has been an eye opening experience for me. its painful but i know it will only lead me to the right path of self discovery. I did cry today for the pain of being in a lie but it was a cleansing cry. it was like taking a shower after a long…bad day.

Thank you so much. I have to say that our stories are very similar. I was also getting to know myself when I met my ex. My radiance is what drew him in he said. I wasn’t in love with myself when I fell in love with him. But for now I have decided to take a break from dating even casual dating. I actually don’t go anywhere where I can get hit on 🙂 …when I asked my ex if he ever loved me…he said of course…,you are beautiful. That’s all. All my love ..my heart …my mind meant nothing to him…just the outside beauty. As u know, for someone with low self esteem, its a slap on the face. I mean we dated for a year and a half and u only stayed for the beauty?
U are absolutely right about true love. I witness it around me everyday. I have witnessed it in my life…my friends…my family. They stay with me through the good and bad times. I know one day I’ll find a man worthy of me and my heart. I know I’ll fall in love with me eventually.
U seemed to be an amazing girl. Please keep the journey of self discovery going. No one can define us. Let me sign off with a quote from Carrie Bradshaw 🙂 ….maybe some women are not meant to be tamed…maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with 🙂

Wow once again you have guided me to see within. You are right, every relationship in my life (however painful) has been sustained by me because I would like to be with anyone but me. I have been cruel to myself and now I need to be on a journey to forgive myself. My ex had a profound effect on me because when I met him I thought I was ok being alone. I thought I was finally on my way to accept myself. As we got closer, I started letting me go. I started liking how it felt with him over how it felt without him…alone. This pain and shame in my heart about myself has consumed my being. I took a Hinduism class in school and had a brilliant professor who learned under hindu Brahmins in India. Learning from the old Hindu scripters, I learned that we are the center of our universe. We make everything happen in our life and In this world. My ex use to say those words to me and I thought “wow…finally found someone on the same wave length”. what I failed to ignore is that I was never on that level. (neither was he but who knows). I am starting to meditate now and keeping what you said about the seed and rain and sun…I hope to become the person I was always meant to be. Happy! I should be thankful for the fact that I have been blessed with a curious mind and a compassionate heart.

Thank you again for your great words. they stay with me whenever I forget how lucky I am to have had this experience.

Thank you Matt. You are very kind. I am always reading your advice on other forums.
I am trying my best to stay afloat. I know that I am a good person and that I deserve my love. I have never really connected to myself. I went on repressing one bad memory after another and blaming everything that happened to me on my “dirty” girl behavior. After this breakup, I couldn’t find the blame in him. Everyone around me (even my therapist) said that it is 50-50 in a relationship but I refuse to listen. I think I could’ve been kinder to myself and let go of him but the thought of being by myself was more miserable than changing myself for him.
him and I were very different people and ultimately that broke us. After every relationship I try to change myself. I don’t even know myself well enough to know that I am good just the way I am.
I am starting a very open dialog with my mother lately which has been very helpful as she is very close to me. I am continually reading blogs on this site and reading self help books. I even wrote a letter to my ex which I will never send to him but I am not ready to burn it yet. I do have to accept the fact that I loved him. I am also trying to give that love to myself. Him and I had a lot of plans for my home improvements so instead of forgetting about them, I am going ahead with the plan. One of the most painful things about our memories together is the fact that we travelled to beautiful places together but instead of seeing those places as a good travel experience, I keep thinking about him. I went to those places for his company and not the place and because of the pain of those memories, I am repressing them. My very first forum, you told me “stay off the foot” so I keep telling myself that and try not to think about the travels. how do I hang on and forget at the same time? sorry about ranting and ranting but you seem to connect with me with your kind and wise words. I think of those words when I am down. 🙂 thank you for your help.

Why after so many days does the hope remain? Maybe I have him on a pedestal and think that one day he will realize that he took the cowards way out by breaking up a serious relationship over the phone and come by to give me closure. Another part of me says because Ilet him off the hook` by forgiving him right away, he doesn’t think its necessary to to do that…?? Either way he is always here in my mind. We did a big romantic trip in may and images of it are swimming in my head always. Yes of course there were many unnecessary silly fights but again he told me that we can work through it. He made me believe That we can fight through everything. I always yearning for that kind of love. The fight for me…love me unconditionally kind of love. Even if I learn to do that for myself…the longing for it from someone else remains. Is there a time line for this suffering?