Thank you Barbara and JD. This journey has been the most difficult one for me but I am proud that I am hanging on. Getting a haircut triggered a memory and I realized that I didn’t make a change for me, I made change for him. In memory of his love for the way I looked. That made me relapse. I know its only hair and it’ll grow back but somehow I identified with it. Once my sister told me that people were only drawn to me because of my hair and since than it became who I am.
Good news is that I see that now. I am going to continue this journey however painful it is.
Thank you to all of you who reach out and gave me the strength to look within. This certainly counts as your good deed for the day. You are giving a lost child hope and showing her the way.
Namaste
Sapna

Thanks john,
It is very painful but I am have to remember how strong I am. I just have to keep reminding myself. The addiction to male attention is more powerful than I ever imagined it will be. More I “soul search” the more I imagine how things would’ve been with my ex if I only knew all of these things but I have to keep coming back to the present which is the only truth. Its so hard. I’ll keep listening to the song Matt sent to me by Christina Aguilara 🙂
Anne
Thank you for being so kind. I know that I am not alone when it comes to being ignored by their parents. Mine thought of me as a “crutch” when I was born. They thought here comes the child that will help us in our old age. I love them and will do anything for them gladly but they make me help them. They except it. They say that when I get married, they’ll stop excepting things from me. One of the biggest reasons I stay with men is to put me out of my misery from them.
Besides all of these things, I am so proud of myself for never hurting anyone. Never treating a human the way I won’t ever want to be treated. Because of this kind of upbringing, I am a very empathetic person. I am sure you are just like me and a great mother. Your kids are very lucky.

Thank you again for your kind words.

Thanks again Matt.
Today I tried to find the child Sapna and I couldn’t even remember how I looked like. I didn’t even remember how I felt when I was young. I know I am good at suppressing my feelings but didn’t know that something that has effected my adult life so much could actually be forgotten. My ma has stopped talking to me because of my confrontation with her yesterday. She actually said that I hurt her feelings so much that her heart hurts and she will never talk to me about anything. I just feel like shit, I didn’t mean to hurt my mother. I have apologized to her many times but she doesnt care to talk to me.
My mind started making a parallel between her and my ex because he like her never understood what I was saying. I was raised to know that when everyone feels the same way about u…it you who is the problem. I am so lost. I want to nurture the child in me but all i feel like doing is yelling at her for being so confusing and not being able to communicate to these people who once claimed to love me…what I feel.
I wish someone was here to give me a hug and to tell me that it will be OK.

Matt
I feel like you are one of the angels that was sent to look after me. Every word you have said in any one of my forums to me has been loving and inspiring.
I should allow myself to cry it all out. This feeling of attaching my self worth to men or others has been so exhausting. Everything I know about myself has been what others think of me. I am a great daughter. A good friend. A beautiful girl..etc. I don’t know if any of those titles are true. All I know is that I haven’t ever really been with myself. I was always isolated from my family growing up so I found solace in other people even the molester. I never wanted to be left alone because it was awful as a child. Even now. I know that what I had with ex was not true. It couldn’t be because he gave up and left but somehow my heart finds solace in his memory. I try to go back to the way I felt with him on my side.
I embarrassed myself last night by trying to flirt with the cute guys from my company. I felt so low when I came home because everyone can see the desperation in my eyes. I was again craving male attention and trying to allure them with my body. I give myself to men in hopes of keeping them. Even my ex. I was sexually submissive to him in hopes of keeping him around. I have to grow up. I have to learn my self worth. I have to understand what real love means. I have to find out what it looks like when someone actually loves you for you and not just say those words. See again even as I type this…I am berating myself. Rehashing my old ways and just feeling awful about it.

On a good note….
I am so grateful to have found a family on this site. My true brothers and sisters who really are rooting for me. With all of your good wishes and love I hope to beat this addiction and smile once again. I hope to find that key to unlock my door for myself. To find love for the silly dreamer I am.

I hear you Matt. You always give me good feedback.
I just don’t know how to let go without suppressing. There is just so much pain in those memories and missing him. I feel my whole body going numb when these thoughts come to me. This is where I start berating myself because after doing all this work, I am still stuck on him. I am aware of all the things you, john, many women on this site and my therapist say but trying to get to know myself keeps sending me back to thoughts of him. I feel like I will never forgive him or myself. I know its been a month and I should give myself time but its so painful. My brain and my body hurt. My friends are sad because there is no smile on my face. I fake being OK at work because its work but I find myself running to bathroom to cry because I miss him.
This pain is so unbearable. My self esteem is in the dumpster.

I want to tell you guys about something that happened to me…I sat at a bench in a park on my way home today, talking to myself (thanks Preet). I re-read all of your comments for the 5th time and really let all the words sink in. I can’t claim that in a few hours I am “cured” but I can say that I felt really compassionate towards myself and my ex. I see now that letting me go is the most loving thing he has done for me. He has given me a gift that I will always be thankful to him for. I told myself to let him go. really let him go. I cried a lot and than I burned the calendar I have been keeping track of the days I haven’t contacted him. I told myself that the best way I can honor my love for him and me is to really let him go. Tell the universe to give him everything he wants and hopes for. I will still miss him and ill embrace those memories with love and tears but I will not go back and do would’ve …should’ve …could’ve…

After I read one of the articles John recommended (maybe too early), for a second my mind thought “maybe after this experience, me and him can give it another go” but than I realized that why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me? what will that prove to me? will it give me the self assurance and confidence that I need? would it make my ego feel better if I can only recognize myself for who I really am. I am someone who is not ok with feeling inadequate or sad. I am someone who Googles how I feel to find Tiny Buddha. 🙂 I have to recognize that I am extraordinary and I will never be with someone who will even try to make me ordinary, even if that is my old self.

Letting my ex go mentally was so painful but for some reason after I said those words to myself and in a way to him, I felt lighter. everything looked a little brighter. I may not be there 100% (definitely 40% there) but I am on my way. I am so thankful to have found you guys to guide me. ill need more guidance from all of you and I hope to give the same love to you. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. a million good wished to all of you.

John, Preet,

You are right. it is like a movie in my head. My mind made up a person in my head and failed to see the real him. I feel like apologizing to him after reading what you and Preet has written. I won’t but it make me really sad that i put a person in a position that i put my ex in.

All the words he said to me when we began our relationship, my head turned them into a vision of a perfect mate. my perfect mate. When he started being himself, we argued because just like him, i made our relationship up in my mind. He had the balls to walk out while i still live in my la la land. granted he moved on after finding someone else but that’s besides the point. more i look into myself, the worst i feel cause i feel like if i could’ve just been a genuine person, we would’ve made it. i know it takes two to tango but all those things i was saying to myself that i was trying. i gave my all was a lie. i lied to him and myself.

when we broke up, i called him a monster and now i feel like one.