I am so sorry for the confusion. Too many wise Matts on this site.
Thanks again.

Meditating is helping me tremendously. 🙂

Thanks Lucia
I do go to a support group. Its just been two weeks but its great. Its a codependency support group. I am really proud of myself for taking steps to recover and be joyful but many of friends think I am over doing it..or I am giving my ex too much power over me or I am just too dramatic. They actually would prefer me going out ..getting drunk…hooking up with someone or to just start online dating to get over my ex. Funny even after years of knowing me, they suggest having a rebound when they know I would never do that to anyone.

U are very right about being patient. Thats one virtue I lack 🙂
Good night dear sister. I wish you joy in this journey of life.

S

Yes Matt. It is what it is…
I am feeling a lot better than last week. The tears that I cry now are not for him..they are for me. They are for all the years of self hatred.
I keep thinking of my ex being great and I know he is but its taking a bit to settle in the ‘we will never ever be together’ fact. I do genuinely wish him well but its hard for me to even think of dating and he is already with someone.

I heard brahm’s be patient lecture and he talks about slowing down in life to see its beauty. All this self reflection and slowing is making me see the beauty in everyone especially my ex. I want to remember the bad times. I want to remember the difference but as I self love…my love for him surface too. Now I am just sad because of the rejection. U know what u said about your ex…at least u saw her not being so great in person. I only got to read the greatness. The very greatness. He praised me for being very strong. He praised me for being one of the smartest people he knows. He urged me to move on. He urged me to recognize the amazing woman in me…really! Haha…he also said that not saying goodbye to me in person is the only regret he has as he cares for me.
Any insights on how to not let my thoughts wonder to my ex when I self nurture by listening to brahm and other great monks?
Trust me Matt…I am healing…I know I have to be patient with myself and let myself get the answers to my questions myself.
I am going to continue to go to the CODA support group meetings.

Thanks again

I keep stumbling. I kept emailing with him back and forth to just add on to my grief. Like i am addicted to the pain this is giving me. I kept asking him if he is with someone. I kept asking him if he ever thinks about how things will be if we were to meet again. I know I really don’t think that’s what I want but out of stubbornness of keeping this hold on him, I keep asking. He is being so cordial and diplomatic about things,. Dodging every question I ask him by simply saying…he is working on himself and that should be enough. I sound like a desperate chick again. Why do I keep doing this to myself? All the work I have been doing went down the drain this afternoon in two hours. All he had to do was contact me and I went blabbing on about how much I am changing and how good I am now…and than begging him.
I feel like emailing again and telling him to not answer me. He doesn’t owe me anything. He doesn’t owe me a closure. This roll a coaster is awful. I want to get off of it. I know everyone goes through these things but my desperation is getting the best of me. Why am I making the person I love so uncomfortable? I know all the answers and yet here I am hating myself again. Its like I hate working on me so much that I rather be on the floor sobbing uncontrollably than move on. I feel like someone should just slap me to set me straight.

I am feeling mixed emotions. I sat in my balcony last night after the email was sent and told myself, out loud to be honest with myself. I told myself that I am the only person I can’t lie to. A part of me is wishing that he will respond and that we will be together again but another part of me says I need more time. I need time to heal and love myself. I just started being friends with myself. I just started taking myself out. I can’t go back looking at him as the source of my happiness. I meant every word I said to him.

I have been checking my email a lot but I also listened to the guided metta meditation on YouTube. I also read a great blog on TB. I am also sorting out the clothes I want to donate tonight. I also ordered take the out curry last night, ate gelato and watched eat pray love. I feel weak Matt, physically and emotionally but your words resonate with me. I know this community of good, genuine people won’t judge. I was judging me. I made it a matter of pride to not contact him. I asked my friends to dislike him. More I walk on this path, the more I discover just how different I am. The easier path of healing..which is find another guy ..will still leave me broken and disconnected. This harder path has left me shattered on the floor but I know that when I pick my pieces and put myself together, I’ll be amazing.

U know this urge of writing him came from me visiting my favorite museum and seeing art work from my favorite era, impressionism. All these things we fought about and cried about surface as I looked upon a painting. I couldn’t contain myself. I went to my therapist and told her how I felt…sobbing and she said there is no harm in contacting him as long you are prepared for the outcome. I am preparing myself for it cause what my ex feel and does is his business. I have womaned up and admitted my wrong doings.

To sum it all up..I don’t know how I feel. I had to do this for myself. I didn’t want to look back on this experience like every other experience and blame him or her or them for the way I feel.

Thank you Matt and Branka.
Matt,
I know that if I think of my parents as people, I can forget the expectation I have of them but what I struggle with is the expectation they have of me. I am suppose to support them emotionally and financially. For instant, I really want to take a solo trip to Ireland this year. The last amazing trip I took was with my ex and I want to show myself that I can have an amazing journey by myself. My parents have a lot of financial issues and they don’t have a retirement fund like other Americans as we are immigrants. I am suppose to pay off about $5000 Of their mortgage so that my mother can feel less stressed. I am happy to do it but because they have no money saved. I have to think of their medical bills and everything else till they are here. My sisters are willing to help but my parents don’t like to get help from them as they are married with children.
This leaves me being guilted into paying for anything they need. I have a good job and I do make money but I hate that the only reason I was born was to take care of them. I am their retirement fund, in my mother’s words.
Any amazing insight on this?
Sapna