Hi Anita,

i was not going to reply to this message as it was quiet negative but I see that you work for TB and many people turn to this site for help so i will reply to make sure you know not to answer someone who needs your help with this type of message. Firstly, you don’t have to remind me of what my mother did or did not do. Secondly, people grow. do you know how hard it is to forgive someone who gave birth to you? I have spent enough $$$ and tears to get to a place I am at. I have learned to look at my mother as a person. She is an amazing woman. She was married at 8 so she had no childhood or anyone to teach her how to look after a child. She was abused by my grandmother and she still fought to educate her 3 girls. I will not forget what has happened to me but at the age of 38, I will forgive for myself. So before you go recaping everyone’s past forums to them, please take a deep breathe and give them a benefit of the doubt. I am learning, I am growing, I am happy. If I have come to that juncture of my life where the biggest worry i have is to pick between 2 between countries, I think I am doing quiet well.

i apologize for being harsh but I really mean this. The kind people on this site have saved my life. I want other lives to be saved as well. thank you for the work you do but please be mindful when you answer poeple because reminding someone of their sexual abuse and childhood neglect can be dangerous.

namaste

S

Thank you Peggy. It makes a lot of sense. I am able to break things down and understand that outside of my relationship with my mother, she is a person who has suffered a lot in her life. This has me wanting to care for her. The difference is that I don’t expect her to be anything more than she is to me now. My ex in a way has showed me this. I told him once (in one of our breaks) that I can’t keep chasing someone to love me as I have been doing that all my life with my parents. That was a moment of clarity that was shown to me by the higher power but when I started telling myself stories, I back tracked and stayed with him knowing that it wasn’t right.

I will not quit on myself again this time. I am going to spend time with myself. For now, I am giving myself 6 months to date myself and no one else. Once I can establish a relationship with myself, I’ll look into getting in one with someone else. I am going to heal and grow from this pain. I am determine to do that!

thanks you and namaste.

Thank you Mark.

i have to trust the plan my higher power has for me. If my partner wants to work on us and himself, I am happy to keep trying but if he doesn’t believe there is enough for him in the relationship to keep trying, we will call it a day. I am trying my best to accept that the universe does have a plan for me and it will be a great one!

namaste

S

Hi Tara,

again I haven’t been able to sleep. I am in agony because I do love him so much. I have been sitting with my feelings and realizing that I have to leave my relationship. It’s so painful. I couldn’t picture myself as a child as there are not many pictures of me around but I do I deserve to be loved by someone who is sure about me.

thank you so much

namaste

S

Thank you so much

i am struggling with being between a rock and a hard place. I love him a lot. If it is between him and marriage, I would pick him. But I know I deserve more. I deserve a commitment. I have let him know of my intentions today but I did say that I want to have a home and move towards a better life. He has asked for time to think about it as he doesn’t know what he wants. I have said that we will talk when I get back. It’s tough to know what is going on this far away. I know I am clinging to straws but I want to make sure that he knows that his love means a lot more to me than a ring.

please pray that I get some resolve to my problem. Either we call it off or we go forward. I won’t remain in a limbo long.

namaste

s

Hi Anita

Yes, the plan is to move to chicago in January or February next year. I can see myself living in Dublin without any influence from my mother. I know she will never love me. I, don’t chase it so much any more. My feelings for her are of respect and sense of duty for my father who passed away two years ago.

marriage for some reason feels like the ultimate step in a relationship. I have always thought of it as the goal of a relationship. You are right. He hates change. He just got a better job and he is adjusting to it.

My issue is that, I was always told that when someone loves you, they don’t walk away from you. We have had a wonderful relationship but he is confused if he is staying away from marriage because of his demons or because it’s me. He doesn’t think it’s the later but I can’t help but take it personally.

on the subject of my mother, I did pick a fight with him after she fought with me. She said “i should’ve just aborted you when I had the chance. If it weren’t for your father, you would’ve never been born”. I asked him why I have to keep chasing him for what I want in a relationship. I have chased my mother a lot all my life for love, why do I have to do the same with him? That’s when I decided to walk away from us. Then I thought about how much I love him and gave him time to think about it. He then came back and said, he doesn’t feel good about it at all. First time he left to think because he felt disconnected with me. Now we are close as ever but he still doesn’t feel good about the ultimate commitment with me.

I feel like  suggesting counseling to him but I am not sure if he will agree.

I don’t know how to go back to Ireland. He is home for me.

Hi Anita

Wanted to give you a quick update about what happened. My boyfriend came home and he said that he has been feeling disconnected with me for a few months. He said that I was pressuring him so much into this wedding timeline that he couldn’t cope. He tried as hard as to be on the same page as me when I came to weddings, children and moving to America, but he isn’t. I asked him if he ever sees himself being ready to do that all those things with me ever. And he said I don’t know.

Then had told him about my need to please my mother and that the wedding thing could be out of the need of making her happy. I want him not a piece of paper. I also told him that I will only move to America if it suits my career. I don’t know when that’s going to happen so then he’ll have decide then what he wants to do. Till then if he promises to works on our relationship I would like to work on it. I would like to go back to basics and get to know each other in real each other. We are still talking and talking about our bond and love which is special. We are talking about concentrating on each other and ourselves before moving any forward in our relationship. I still don’t know where we stand but I am optimistic.

ill update you further once I know more.

Thank you

Hi Anita,

The talk is supposed to happen this evening so in 6 or 7 hours. I will definitely fill you in on all.

You are right that I have to abandon the dream of getting loved by my mother. I am accepting it very slowly everyday. Since my father has died, this has been very apparent to me.

All I can do with my boyfriend tonight is to tell him that I love him and I would like to stay in our relationship and grow together, marriage or not. Of course he may have different views. I am just preparing myself for either answer but I do want him to know that I lost myself in our relationship because I was happy. I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped meditating daily. I stopped nurturing my body with foods I enjoy. I stopped going to my codependent anonymous meetings. I was so happy to be with him that all other things took a backseat. I will tell him that I have made a promise to myself to be good to myself and if he thinks he can be with someone who won’t make him the #1 priority, then he should stay. If not, I am ok to move forward in my life without him.

Thank you for your insights and kind words. Reading these forums makes my day 🙂

thank you