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NinjaParticipant
Ajack379 â
Iâm sincerely sorry to hear that youâre both going through this. While we are all critical of ourselvesâof course, some much more than othersâI do appreciate what youâre feeling.
But sadly, it really seems that you two should be apart. And I believe you know this.
Not everyone is ready or hard-wired to be in a long-term relationship. And thatâs okay. It takes a certain level of confidence, inner strength and selflessness. To be âin loveâ means putting that other person before yourself. When this is reciprocated (and they care more for you than themselves), itâs a wonderful thing. And very rare. So please, donât beat yourself up for not putting this girl before yourself. Youâre an âunfinished workâ and may still be maturing, growing and discovering â at any age. To some degree, it is okay to be selfish. (But cheating is never cool in any committed relationship as it hurts the other person.)
The best part here is youâre being honest â at least with us in this forum. Iâm guessing itâs very cathartic for you. Which is good. You need this. But youâve said that youâre not attracted to her, etc. Itâs done.
Also, if you care for her in any way, let her go. It will be immediately hard for you both. Probably more for her as she wants this significantly more than you. But ultimately, it will free her to explore and, if itâs right, find someone who will love her.
Let her go, pal. It will be the best for you both. And, I think you know this.
Wishing you both peace âŠ
- This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Ninja.
NinjaParticipantThanks, JLo5. And I appreciate your reading my other thread. Honestly, it was hard hearing her reveal her lengthy past â at least it was to me. One of the toughest things Iâve ever heard in my life. She admitted that she knew my believe was that she had been with less than ten guys â and was glad to go with that. Her number (30) was blurted out in an argument last December. I’ve been somewhat stunned ever since.
I have spoken with a counselor. He was okay. Helped me sort things out.
I am much better. It is tough to not see her in a different light. I believe some of the difficulty here is her and my contrasting pasts (me: 0, her: 30). So, I do bring that to the table.
Lastly, and this is most helpful to me, I am able to separate what I want to know out of âbasic informationâ from ânosey curiosity.â When your imagination goes wild (as Iâve heard it can in these cases), you want to know sordid details â and that leads to wanting to know more and more. For a while, my line to her was, âI just want to know who it is that I married.â But I now realize that at some point the questions must stop. Some (perhaps a lot) of her past really is her business. Which is why, as youâve read in my previous thread, Iâve got to be at peace with having her tell me what she wants â or nothing at all. Still, it hurts and makes me both sad and disappointed. I know many will be all over me for judging my spouse, etc. But put yourself in my virgin shoes for just a moment.
Thanks.
NinjaParticipantThanks, everyone, for your thoughts, experiences and opinions!
In the spirit of sharing, I agree with you.
JLo5, let me ask you something (and anyone else who wants to contribute) and take this a little bit farther. I believe that we agree that someone should be informed of any STDs early on. As someone said, thatâs purely ethical. But say, beyond this, a fiancĂ©/spouse (not just bf/gf) asks for more information about the otherâs sexual past (number, etc.) and the other person declines or evades sharing any more. And then, years go by (decades) and the second spouse chooses to reveal that they have had hundreds of partners, or use to be a prostitute, etc. I guess my question at this point is: Should spouses be as up-front as possible as early on as possible, reach an agreement with what to/and what not share, deal with it, and then move on?
Also, Is withholding information (perhaps out of shame), knowing it may seriously affect their fiancĂ©âs/spouseâs opinion of them, deceptive?Good stuff. Thanks, everyone!
NinjaParticipantHmmm. Interesting. I had someone private message (email) me with an additional question â to tease this to the extreme, I guess. Again, please, no agendas nor judgements here. Just opinions. People seem to be divided.
Here it is (I tweaked it a tiny bit; itâs the English major in me):
Would it matter if your spouse said, âI had been a prostitute until just before we met. I really have no idea what my number is any more. I have an STD. But this doesnât matter, right? Other than the STD, the past is in the past, right?â
NinjaParticipantThanks, JLo5! Very interesting last line there:
âI would be more interested in if the person demonstrated they could be faithful while in a relationship with how many partners they had.â
So, do you (or anyone else out there) feel that the number of partners a person has had (or hasnât had) can have an effect on their ability to stay faithful?
NinjaParticipantGreat responses so far. Thank you!
I agree that no one needs to openly volunteer/should feel obligated to share this information.
Still, if a spouse (or spouse-to-be) were to directly ask, should the other person give their number?
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