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Ninja

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  • October 7, 2016 at 7:46 am in reply to: I think we've broken up… #117417
    Ninja
    Participant

    Ajack379 –

    I’m sincerely sorry to hear that you’re both going through this. While we are all critical of ourselves—of course, some much more than others—I do appreciate what you’re feeling.

    But sadly, it really seems that you two should be apart. And I believe you know this.

    Not everyone is ready or hard-wired to be in a long-term relationship. And that’s okay. It takes a certain level of confidence, inner strength and selflessness. To be “in love” means putting that other person before yourself. When this is reciprocated (and they care more for you than themselves), it’s a wonderful thing. And very rare. So please, don’t beat yourself up for not putting this girl before yourself. You’re an “unfinished work” and may still be maturing, growing and discovering – at any age. To some degree, it is okay to be selfish. (But cheating is never cool in any committed relationship as it hurts the other person.)

    The best part here is you’re being honest – at least with us in this forum. I’m guessing it’s very cathartic for you. Which is good. You need this. But you’ve said that you’re not attracted to her, etc. It’s done.

    Also, if you care for her in any way, let her go. It will be immediately hard for you both. Probably more for her as she wants this significantly more than you. But ultimately, it will free her to explore and, if it’s right, find someone who will love her.

    Let her go, pal. It will be the best for you both. And, I think you know this.

    Wishing you both peace 


    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Ninja.
    October 7, 2016 at 6:10 am in reply to: Should you share your number (of sexual partners)? #117414
    Ninja
    Participant

    Thanks, JLo5. And I appreciate your reading my other thread. Honestly, it was hard hearing her reveal her lengthy past – at least it was to me. One of the toughest things I’ve ever heard in my life. She admitted that she knew my believe was that she had been with less than ten guys – and was glad to go with that. Her number (30) was blurted out in an argument last December. I’ve been somewhat stunned ever since.

    I have spoken with a counselor. He was okay. Helped me sort things out.

    I am much better. It is tough to not see her in a different light. I believe some of the difficulty here is her and my contrasting pasts (me: 0, her: 30). So, I do bring that to the table.

    Lastly, and this is most helpful to me, I am able to separate what I want to know out of “basic information” from “nosey curiosity.” When your imagination goes wild (as I’ve heard it can in these cases), you want to know sordid details – and that leads to wanting to know more and more. For a while, my line to her was, “I just want to know who it is that I married.” But I now realize that at some point the questions must stop. Some (perhaps a lot) of her past really is her business. Which is why, as you’ve read in my previous thread, I’ve got to be at peace with having her tell me what she wants – or nothing at all. Still, it hurts and makes me both sad and disappointed. I know many will be all over me for judging my spouse, etc. But put yourself in my virgin shoes for just a moment.

    Thanks.

    October 5, 2016 at 5:46 am in reply to: Should you share your number (of sexual partners)? #117248
    Ninja
    Participant

    Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts, experiences and opinions!

    In the spirit of sharing, I agree with you.

    JLo5, let me ask you something (and anyone else who wants to contribute) and take this a little bit farther. I believe that we agree that someone should be informed of any STDs early on. As someone said, that’s purely ethical. But say, beyond this, a fiancĂ©/spouse (not just bf/gf) asks for more information about the other’s sexual past (number, etc.) and the other person declines or evades sharing any more. And then, years go by (decades) and the second spouse chooses to reveal that they have had hundreds of partners, or use to be a prostitute, etc. I guess my question at this point is: Should spouses be as up-front as possible as early on as possible, reach an agreement with what to/and what not share, deal with it, and then move on?

    Also, Is withholding information (perhaps out of shame), knowing it may seriously affect their fiancé’s/spouse’s opinion of them, deceptive?

    Good stuff. Thanks, everyone!

    October 4, 2016 at 11:20 am in reply to: Should you share your number (of sexual partners)? #117172
    Ninja
    Participant

    Hmmm. Interesting. I had someone private message (email) me with an additional question – to tease this to the extreme, I guess. Again, please, no agendas nor judgements here. Just opinions. People seem to be divided.
    Here it is (I tweaked it a tiny bit; it’s the English major in me):
    Would it matter if your spouse said, “I had been a prostitute until just before we met. I really have no idea what my number is any more. I have an STD. But this doesn’t matter, right? Other than the STD, the past is in the past, right?”

    October 4, 2016 at 9:09 am in reply to: Should you share your number (of sexual partners)? #117148
    Ninja
    Participant

    Thanks, JLo5! Very interesting last line there:
    “I would be more interested in if the person demonstrated they could be faithful while in a relationship with how many partners they had.”
    So, do you (or anyone else out there) feel that the number of partners a person has had (or hasn’t had) can have an effect on their ability to stay faithful?

    October 3, 2016 at 11:54 am in reply to: Should you share your number (of sexual partners)? #117049
    Ninja
    Participant

    Great responses so far. Thank you!

    I agree that no one needs to openly volunteer/should feel obligated to share this information.

    Still, if a spouse (or spouse-to-be) were to directly ask, should the other person give their number?

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