James –

Check out this book:
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

It’s amazing. My jaw is dropping as to how close it is to my situation. I believe it may be very close to yours as well. It was recommended to me by a friend who experienced the same situation.

The link is to an online PDF of it, but I am getting myself a hard copy.

Let me know what you think!

Ninja

James and K4ren –

I would like to respectfully disagree with K4ren’s note from yesterday.

While it is wonderful to relate one situation (as I have done too in this thread), there is a little too much conjecture and supposition here to provide a concrete direction.

And, as a father, you cannot simply disregard the responsibility of having children.

I completely agree that people change. In fact, we all do. After 23 years, my wife and I are much different than the couple that wed in 1993. Much different. Still, marriage is much more than meeting individuals “wants” and one person’s happiness. Marriage is a covenant between two people. It really is “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.” There are joys, disappointments, trials and wonderful surprises. If my wife were to get seriously ill one day, I would take care of her. It’s more than about my personal happiness. It’s what I pledged to her in 1993. It’s simply love.

I do respect the fact that some people do need to end their marriage. But I do not believe that this is the case with you, James. You are definitely going through a fiery storm. But I would strongly encourage you to keep your focus on loving your wife – without condition.

Your marriage is far from over, James. Keep the faith.

Ninja

I again find myself agreeing with Anita. I too was confused by your statement, James.

Your wife is putting a TON of pressure on you – and it must feel like you’re walking on eggshells 24/7. Deep down, this must be eating away at you and building up some very negative and toxic feelings that eventually spill out and “negates all the good that has been achieved” (by you). You’re only human, James. Is the opposite true? Meaning, has she put out some effort and attempted to please you by showing 100% happiness? Of course, she cannot. She’s only human, too.

This sounds like a control situation. And you’re being set up to fail. Maybe not maliciously (by her), but it is evident.

Ninja

Hey, James –

Maybe I missed it, but I did not realize that the two of you were sleeping apart.

Let me share my situation, as it may help.

In 2001, I took a new job three states away. Our girls were 2 and 4 then and, since I was out of state, they started sleeping with Mommy. Just made sense with Daddy gone. A few months later, we purchased a new home in our new state and were all again settled under one roof. But the girls stayed in our bed while I was relinquished to the guest room. My wife said it made them feel safe and they shared so much of their day with her as they were going to sleep. Being the nice guy and seeing how it made them happy, I gave.

Now, let me add that my wife has never been big into “doing it and whenever we would have a “date” (yes, sex) she would wait until both girls were asleep and then would visit the guest room. With each passing year, my anger quietly grew. This continued for years – until January of 2016. Yes, 15 years – until one was away in college. I finally put my foot down (probably ridiculously late) and said out loud, “Look! I am your husband, I belong in my bed with you!” She couldn’t deny that I was right. Fortunately, our high school aged daughter who was still at home was all too happy to start sleeping in her own room.

I tell you ALL of this because our sleeping apart hurt much more than it helped. Now, I’m sure some people may disagree, but I cannot see how. If I did it all over again, I would have moved our girls to their rooms after just a year or two. Pure and simple: your girls need to see an example of a husband and wife who share a bed. And your wife needs to know that a.) You are a wonderful and caring guy who’s putting her needs before your own, but can still be b.) The man of the house who sleeps with the woman he married.

Again, sorry to share so much about my story. But I believe that your going to the basement (sleeping away from the bed that is rightly yours) will only add to your current frustration and anger.

Get back to me and we’ll go from there. And I’m here – and happy you reached out.

Ninja

Jessi’s note must have come in as I was typing mine. I just wanted to acknowledge it here, and say that I wholeheartedly agree with it – every single word.

Ninja

James –

I’m glad you wrote – been thinking about you.

I’m sorry that you’re hitting this tough, lonely time when you want something in return.

I can empathize – because I’m there, too. And I know how hard it is to muster the emotions to feel good about yourself when the one person who promised to be your soul mate isn’t encouraging – in fact, her not encouraging is discouraging. I know. I know. I know. And it’s hell. And while my wife and I have made positive steps, we have some ways to go ourselves. But it is far from over.

Here’s something that I recently discovered that has significantly moved our needle in the right direction. My wife and I have been married more than 23 years. It occurred to me how much different (and younger) we were then – and so was our marriage. So, marriages change, shift, weaken and strengthen over time. Like Jessi wonderfully said, “you’re going through a dark tunnel right now.”

When you and your wife first fell in love you were different people, too. But with years, children, stress, jobs, children’s medical issues (a big one for you guys), etc., those old incredible, sugar-coated feelings for one another waned. You are no longer discovering new things about one another. And you’re depressed. And depression is nothing to take for granted.

What helped with us is that instead of worrying about if my wife liked me, I focused on liking myself. I put energy into becoming a 2.0 version of my former self. I took up running. I started painting again. I didn’t ignore my wife and children. In fact, when my wife was busy or not interested in doing anything with me, I took my girls on “Daddy Dates” – to the movies, hiking, Saturday breakfast at some unique diner, etc. This is key: I found my happiness outside of my wife. But it didn’t mean I had to end my marriage. On the contrary, I realized that the more I kept pursuing her, the more she withdrew. So, I changed my actions toward her to “acts of service” – which is her Love Language. Oh, it’s hard. I desire her a ton. But if I channel my energy and attention elsewhere, the contentment fills the void. And, it’s quality time with my daughters – time well invested for any dad.

Of course, the “Pursuer—Distancer Dance” is nothing new – couples fall into it without much though. Here’s a great article on it, and additional tips on how to break it. (Ignore the fact that the examples they use have the genders flopped.)

http://movingpastdivorce.com/2014/10/how-to-break-out-of-the-pursuer-distancer-dance/

Build back your confidence. And believe me, there’s nothing women find more attractive than a guy who’s genuinely confident. She’ll notice – eventually.

Again, I’m going through this sh#t, too. Write back. I’m here.

Wishing you peace tonight.

Ninja

Dear Journey85 –

First, I am sincerely sorry that you are going through this. I too have been through similar heartache and loss with a woman I loved.

With this said, I believe that in order to help I would need a little more context and background regarding your situation. You said that you were sleeping together and that she was moving away – were you living together? What do you believe was the reason that is causing her to leave?

Of course, I completely understand that sharing more information is both personal and may take you back to a painful place. So, share what you feel is possible for now. I am here and will look for your response.

Peace to you today.

Ninja