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April 10, 2021 at 5:59 pm in reply to: trying to live with unrelenting shame (maybe I should kill myself) #377460ninibeeParticipant
anita I thought of a question for you. You said that you once also experienced unrelenting shame, and said it could become a thing of the past. I am curious how this process was for you… How did you overcome shame?
I will respond to your more recent posts later, but for now I just want to ask that question since it came to mind.
April 10, 2021 at 1:16 pm in reply to: trying to live with unrelenting shame (maybe I should kill myself) #377445ninibeeParticipantoh no.. anita you seem to have confidence in me that I would be capable of college… I feel like my first attempt at college has shown me its not really something I can do. If I am being honest, it is just too difficult and I give up. I see other students who are able to “do it all”, and I think “oh geez I would not be able to do that”. Or maybe: would not be able to=do not want to. That is how I ended up where I am at.
You used the word “passion”, which may be the missing key… and that is exactly where I feel lost. If I had a passion, I think I would have more clarity and feel less resistance. I worry that leads us to the “end of the road” in regards to our conversation, because I am stuck/lost and unfortunately I do not know if anyone can help me uncover a passion.
I have looked up before “how to find what you are passionate about” and “how to decide on a career path”, and that’s as far as I’ve gotten.
April 10, 2021 at 10:50 am in reply to: trying to live with unrelenting shame (maybe I should kill myself) #377436ninibeeParticipantanita,
I would like to start by saying, I do not know if I ever saw you as cold and unempathetic. Perhaps I just default to thinking any possible sign of an issue must be something I did. Either way, I am glad it is okay and feels better now to both of us.
You have covered a lot in your post and talked much about my mother/childhood. I forgot how much I have posted on here. Quite clearly I have been stuck in the same patterns and ways thinking…
You said:
Fast forward a year and a month, April 2021: you live with your mother, living âwith unrelenting shameâ- it is no surprise.
I had an inkling that that this may come up, but it is also true I have lived away from her for 4 years prior to now, and still experienced great amounts of shame, so I wonder how much her physical presence matters in that. I was told by my therapist (who I think you did not approve of for some reason, but I still have virtual meetings with) that moving home would bring up many old patterns. He described it as walking into a vortex, where much of the progress I made gets thrown out as soon as I walk in this house. I have had some moments where it feels like this. I also want to add that my older brother moved home about 6 months ago as well for financial reasons (I have only been here 2 months), and my dad works from home now. It is both better and worse to have them around. I do prefer it to being alone with my mom.
Clearly, you need to get far, far away from your mother and use your parentsâ money to live away from them and to attend quality psychotherapy.
Both my therapist and my friend have said to get far, far away from her as well. I sometimes feel that way. But sometimes it seems fine. My friend tells me “It is like you know you are living with a rattlesnake under your bed, but tell me “oh it’s fine, it hasn’t rattled in a while”” ..and I think about that a lot.
You say to use my parents money to live away from them. This is tricky. That’s what I was doing, and they didn’t want to do it anymore because I was going nowhere in life. They will pay for me to live somewhere else if I am going to college… I don’t know. I feel lost.
April 9, 2021 at 10:48 pm in reply to: trying to live with unrelenting shame (maybe I should kill myself) #377428ninibeeParticipanthi Anita and Brandy,
I don’t remember for sure what happened when I last posted (and I am afraid to look), but I remember feeling like I had frustrated and upset both of you, in some way or another. It’s interesting to me that you are both here now and saying you do not find me disagreeable or dislikable.
Brandy, to answer your question about an update in my life… I am not sure what is important to mention. I have not attended college since we last spoke. I moved 3 times. The most recent time was to move back in with my parents since I was not able to support myself. I dated someone new for a little while, which was not very serious. The relationship was sometimes nice, sometimes frustrating, and in retrospect, unfulfilling. It more or less ended when I moved. Since I have moved home I have done a few nice things, like planting a small garden and doing yoga. Though, I am still quite troubled in my daily life.
ninibeeParticipantanita,
To your question,
 And now what, now that I know it, and hopefully you know it, what is there for you to do?
I am not sure, even reading over the excerpts you  used from previous things I said, I doubt them, if they are true or not,  and wonder why I said them. Sometimes it seems I am very sure something was wrong, thinking something had to have been wrong… and then other times I just get confused and canât think of anything concrete. The only thing I can think is that itâs unfortunate that I was the way I was growing up, and that itâs unfortunate that I am the way I am now still today. (Like even right now, Iâm being rather difficult)
It is hard to know what to do next, I think I am still learning the possibilities of what can happen.
ninibeeParticipantI am thinking it is hard to think of rejections from my mom because I was rarely so vulnerable to even share any of my self with her.
I can tell you she generally disapproves of things I do or am interested in. It is a dismissive disapproval, like she will not even engage with the topic and more so it is a matter of figuring out if she approves or not based on her level of responsiveness. I get stuck in asking for permission about certain things, which is why I am even in this position in the first place. I ask for permission to avoid future punishments. I can tell you she entirely rejects any idea or interest I have unless it is something she already likes herself or agrees with already. The best situation is for her to be indifferent towards something.
So in a way, thatâs one but also many rejections. This is most often about clothes or minor life decisions, like if should I buy a bicycle or not.
I am sorry anita, I am struggling with this question because as much as I can remember, I was basically entirely rejected by my mother, aside from the circumstances of something being approved of or just something she did not care about very much.
ninibeeParticipantOh by âterror of meâ, I mean she likely feel terrorized by the situation of me being sick on a plane, out of her control. She was probably horrified and disgusted, and probably took personal offense in the situation… âOh god, how come this happened to meâ is probably what she was thinking.
I am realizing it is hard and confusing to remember interactions I had with my mom. I know we argued and I know her patterns of behavior generally… but specifics are hard. Let me think…
ninibeeParticipanthi again anita,
My original (lost) response was to you saying maybe I was not cleaned up on the plane as a punishment. I think this is unlikely considering some of my mom’s characteristics. It is most likely that they were just unprepared and could not clean me effectively, who knows if I had a change of clothes or not. Knowing my parents, it is most likely that my mom was overwhelmed by this situation and put all the pressure on my dad, and then my dad was likely frantic and stressed. My mom HATES mess and is rather squeamish. She could not handle vomit or blood very well at all, and certainly would hate sitting next to a vomit covered baby on a plane. I know the car seat had to be thrown away though.
My thinking was that my mom’s very likely, very negative response (rejection and terror of me) was probably more of what had an impact on me.
ninibeeParticipantanita, I just typed out a whole response and accidentally deleted it all! I am writing this to let you know I have read what you said, and will try to retype what I originally wanted to say later.
ninibeeParticipantI don’t know if there is any way for me to find out if I was force fed or overfed as a baby. I don’t think my parents would admit to that type of thing happening if it did. I know my mom blames my pickiness as a child on her and others “giving in” to my food preferences too much as a baby and not forcing me to eat vegetables and meat, as they should’ve
ninibeeParticipantRegarding your second post: I wonder if your intense fear of vomiting has to do with you having been forced fed as a baby- maybe your mother forced food into your mouth and you gagged, feeling like vomiting. I donât know if you have or can possibly get this kind of information.
I have wondered about this myself. I only know of one traumatic incident with vomiting when I was a baby and that was when I was strapped into a car seat on my first plane ride and I threw up all over myself and the car seat and was stuck in for the whole plane ride. It fits into my fear a little bit because my fear of vomit is proximity-based. I will only feel a little startled if someone throws up outside passing them by on the sidewalk or something. If I am in the same house or room with someone throwing up is when it is the worst I have experienced. My absolute worst fear is being trapped in an enclosed space with vomit.
ninibeeParticipantanita, I want to apologize for the gaps in my responses. I find it hard to engage because of the shame I feel. I am also worried because it seems like nobody else is interested in this thread and it is all on you.
ninibeeParticipantAbout leftovers and my food issues… I have emetophobia (intense phobia of vomit) that makes me stress about anything that could possibly make me sick. My mom is a bit of a germaphobe, but does not have the same phobia as far as I know.
ninibeeParticipantAbout leftovers and my food issues… I have emetophobia (intense phobia of vomit) that makes me stress about anything that could possibly make me sick. My mom is a bit of a germaphobe, but does not have the same phobia as far as I know.
ninibeeParticipantdid you hear those parents complain about you, or did you hear your mother telling you that other parents complained about you?
Well, I know that sometimes I would act independently from my mother, like going to the neighbors house to ask to play and other kids would say âMy parents say I am not allowed to play with youâ, yet they were allowed to play with my brother. This was a big problem for me amongst neighborhood kids, and even at school after we moved neighborhoods. I distinctly remember my best friendâs mom in middle school calling me a âbad influenceâ.
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