Dear needsomehelp,

I suggest you simply start 1 thing, whatever it could be and do it for next couple of months. Do something that requires your attention, makes you feel like you are doing something useful for yourself. You don’t need to make 40 big changes – work on 1 specific habit and really do it consistently, properly. Be really present and stick to it.

Make a note of the important points you have gathered here and think in narrow, short term of you what you do for tangible changes and the bigger, core issues that need deeper introspection such as your self image issues, your feelings of feeling doom about a future that hasn’t even happened. Understand your own anxiety better and start questioning your assumptions. Write down possible strategies and see what works for you.

I had started this process with an excel document when I was a bit better during a major depression phase with bucket loads of life long negativity. It’s been about a few years since that process started but I am making progress. I tried a number of strategies, took feedback from trusted people to cope better.

Taking blame isn’t admirable. There is a difference between blaming oneself and taking responsibility. The former is self defeating, the latter is empowering and action oriented.

I noticed every year I made similiar resolutions to be like this and that and then feel better about me. Oddly though, all I really needed was to fix my way of dealing with things and how I perceived myself and situations.

There is a long way to go but surely it can be done with right mind and effort.

Regards
Nina

T

Hi Ally

Usually the questions that get asked the most pertain to relationship issues – things like severe trust issues, having a pattern of poorly chosen partners, moving on from break up (asked a lot), inability to recognise and let go of abusive behaviour etc.

A video on boundaries, emotional self-regulation, how to choose a good relationship, how to have a healthy relationship would help.

Regards
Nina

Happy new year anita and leomessy

New years resolution is to continue some new behaviours which is to eat clean, get some exercise and be more balanced in thinking.

You have a very clear, good hold on your situation. If this cousin is a good and true friend, they will deal with the situation sensibly. Just a suggestion – I do have one concern to point out here – if cousin and your other friend are close, there is a possibility that she may play you against cousin when you start being too distant. So watch out for any politics that may happen since you three go a long way. Exercise disrecretion on how to deal with cousin accordingly.

Chaos that you mention is interesting.

It reminds me of something called crab company. They drag eachother down. Negativity is addictive though – it makes us feel exempted from our role in the situation. A friend of mine had same equation with me. 90% of the time we got along beautifully when both of us were down in the dumps like hell. Somehow we drifted whenever I focused more on improving myself, making good changes in my life. Though she seemed encouraging initially, she started complaining more as if to make up for my lack of complaining. We had been friends for so long I never noticed I felt kinda tired and drained after interacting with her, not inspired and calm and happy. I tried to help her, encourage her but jeez how much can you tell someone to change if they don’t want to?

Best to avoid such negative influences.

You sound like you are on the right track. Dont feel too bad and focus on yourself and cultivating good relationships.

Regards
Ninaa

Dear Veronica

Such things are self fulfilling prophesies – I suggest you rely on your own inner judgement rather than consider the external entities whose existence is questionable. There is an inherent bias in the importance we attach to perceived “signs”. The real “angels” though are the good people in the world who help you when you need it the most. This is subjective though again on what is defined by help but they are like angels when they give us help and guidance.

I dunno about the number plate messengers.

Regards
Nina

Dear Paula,

Don’t take this so personally. The man has spent over 2 months of time with you, met you before Christmas and now there is a week away before the next year starts. Surely you can assume that he has personal reasons related to his own life outside of you which are keeping him busy during the holidays such as family, some other obligation. It would be too soon anyway to disclose that much detail.

I suggest you calm down, wait it out, enjoy holidays, go on other dates (you aren’t exclusive anyway) and if he doesn’t contact you in first week of January, simply drop him a happy new year text at best. If you still feel troubled, ask him what’s wrong but not now – later when he doesn’t walk the talk. People can be busy, it’s normal.

In case he really isn’t interested, it’s good you came to know early on only but don’t assume that just yet. Calm down, wait.

You have done your bit. Let the ball go to his court.

Regards
Nina

Ninad

I suggest you maintain distance from this friend. Terminating suddenly will lead to more problems if you have common friends and a long history. However, after a certain point, actions speak louder than words in real life friendships. Words aren’t enough. She isnt your family, you arent her family. The intimacy has not reached that point where you can treat eachother like that no matter what she claims verbally. You tried to develop it but she isn’t that interested in reality. If she initiates contact, all great but it’s best you focus on other friends.

Regards
Nina

Hello,

I want to make one point about looking for love – basically there are 3 kinds of looking according to me –

1. Not looking

2. Passively looking (interested but not actively looking through sources like friends, online dating, match making, events etc)

3. Actively looking

The above levels of interests can have two states-

a) Steady state – your state of mind during this time is calm, you are okay with yourself and are in a more responsive, rather than reactive state.

b) Turbulent state – you are becoming worried, obsessive and taking the whole process very personally as if it is a reflection of your worth as an individual entirely. Your state is too reactive and comes from a place of desperation.

Hope this clears things up a wee bit.

Regards
Nina