Dear Dhanush,

You are on the right track. Give yourself time and take the necessary steps to develop a calm state of mind. Read on something called “Emotional intelligence” and listen to the lectures by Bk Shivani online. I never tried it until an amazing member here shared the link. It really helped me a lot. Google awakening with brahmakumaris. She talks on various topics and is accompanied by a clinical psychologist too.

http://omshantimusic.net/lectures-by-b-k-shivani

Post anything you feel like.

Regards
Nina

Hello,

Listen to your gut then. He sounds supportive and that’s important. It seems like you are thinking about overseas because of your parents rather than your own interest. In the end, you know best. Your parents, people here, friends can offer perspective. The choice must be made by you alone. Don’t have regrets. Stay if that makes you happier. Life is too short for regrets anyway 🙂

Regards
Nina

Hey,

I wanted to elaborate the previous post a bit more.

See here is the thing-

1) Your profession as a psychotherapist and better job opportunities abroad

2) Falling in love 3 months ago

3) Experiencing things outside your comfort zone.

Truth be said, it’s only been 3 months. You need to know this person better. One way is to stay back and date him. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t. However there is no 100% guarantee.

Similarly, if you leave home and enter a long distance relationship, you will face challenges early on, see the world and also develop professionally.

Whether the relationship works or not is something we can’t be sure in both cases.

The only advantage of second case is you will have more life experience and job opportunities at hand.

You are already thinking like if he will follow you or not, what will he do – if the love is so strong, he will follow you to any damn corner of the earth and support you through thick and thin.

A friend of mine recently married a guy she had been dating for last 7 years. He had left the country for studies and work and they stayed together. Before he left, they dated in person for a few months only. It was hard no doubt but they really wanted to be together. They both have established themselves and are keen on raising a family now.

Everyone has a different story though. See the variety in the last 2 posts only.

Have you ever questioned your family’s wishes towards you? For someone to become part of your family in the future, you need to be sure if they are indeed a good fit. This doesn’t mean seeing them as you want to see them. It means seeing them when the going gets tough.

Say he had better options outside, would you stop him because of your own insecurities or would you want him to be happy, have his dream job?

In the end, whatever you do, please do it taking into consideration what you actually want. Don’t do it because you are doutful whether he will stay or leave.

Really ask yourself what you want and whether you are willing to face the consequences that come.

Regards
Nina

Dear BB,

These 3 women are friends of yours. Not close friends though and sometimes you feel like they are plain inconsiderate.

Then the other question is your own set of expectations and assertiveness.

Look at the situation a bit more objectively.

You all do have some connection but aren’t actually that close. There were people who wished you on your birthday.

Each person is different and your equation with them is different.

You can have images in your mind about what you want, not quite express it and then feel worse that it never happened.

Why bother with people who aren’t so bothered? Keep them in your life but don’t expect too much. An occasional meet, an occasional laugh, a social gathering we all need once in a while but dont get too caught up in what could have been done. If they are actually that close, you can tell them freely. Otherwise what’s the point?

Simply let it be and focus on other aspects of your life that you like.

Regards
Nina

Dear thecarelessowl,

Here is the thing – someone will always be better or worse than you depending on what criteria you choose.

The problem worsens when you have no specific criteria even.

The first thing you need to come to terms with is the traumatic experience of the accident. The emotions you are especially going through are also a manifestation of the anxiety of that event. You may be feeling more on the edge than ever and that is normal in this case.

A friend of mine once had a car accident too. He lost his girlfriend that night, literally saw her die and since then, he has been terrified of blood in particular. It took him a while to make the journey through the same road route again but with time and practise, he was able to overcome that. But yeah, some traces of that fear remain. He won’t ever let any of us sit on a particular side of a vehicle again because that’s where she sat. He always sits there instead.

You can’t change the event though no matter how many times you see others experiences and wish it was you instead.

The other thing is – do you really know who you are? Do you understand what you actually want in your life and to satisfy what need? Self awareness is a very under-rated thing but it is key to resolving this.

Then the question of, is what I am good enough? Some people struggle with this their whole life and try hard to fit into labels and get a point over others. Life gets wasted this way and by the time they finally realise, that precious time is gone. The purpose of critique was not to undervalue you but to show you a possible way to improve.

As children, we often don’t see the subtext of things, we go by text too literally and internalize it thinking something is wrong with us. But as adults, we have the capability to know our emotions better and see them as signs to work on ourselves.

Take your emotions as signs on what needs to be worked on. That could be your own thinking process, your way of leading life, areas of improvement.

Regards
Nina

Dear Erin

I thought about your post for quite a while. I won’t say move out – rather I will say do it eventually when you feel comfortable. Not everyone can deal with that big a change so easily.

Baby steps would help though. The real problem appears to be your sense of powerlessness. Sometimes our parents indeed don’t see things the way we do and that’s okay.

That doesn’t mean we are not valuable and don’t have our own quirks.

Try to start seeing your mom’s comments as suggestions or recommendations which are advisory in nature. Some of them will come across as downright personal but then loved ones often tell us things we don’t want to hear. Some of it may be true and some of it may be a projection of their own insecurities. The real control is actually with you as you decide whether to take it or not. You have a full time job, your own identity.

Make a list of 10 things which you think will help you overcome your fear. Then write number on it to denote the least scary to most.

Slowly start doing them.

Nothing too radical though in terms of you must accomplish them quickly or the world ends. It could be anything from trying that new hobby at home for example to even moving out, have a country/state trip alone or with a group. Start with really basic things and work your way up.

Start getting in touch with your own self and see your mom less as mom when you were 10 and more as someone who cares. She can’t control or judge you unless you let her. Always remember the intention though and make your choice accordingly.

Regards
Nina