Dear Zita,

I used to be like that before. I still am to some extent and its normal for most people to seek some levels of external validation. The only way out of excess dependence on social cues was to find ease in my own company and skin. This happened when I finally began to understand my nature better and what i wanted from my life. I am an introvert and when i began to do what i enjoyed personally more, i was happier and comfortable with myself. I started using the phone less, going out alone more for long walks without any gadgets, keeping in touch with people i was super close to only and reading more than ever. I still get insecure and sad sometimes but we’re human, ups and downs are inevitable in life. Thats my thinking process but it isnt necessarily yours.

You are you – thats the part you need to figure out. What do you want for yourself?

Look at yourself in the mirror one day completely in a raw state – no people to console or advice you, no make-up, no clothes and ask yourself: “Can you accept who you are with the good, bad and ugly?”

Regards,
Nina

Yeah, the list is long and mixed but here are the major instances so far:

– At 17, my aim was to emerge as the best student in school and kind of answer back to these group of guys who were mean to me and prided themselves on their academic performance. I worked hard and I did. No one expected that from me.

The unexpected: In my determination to outdo them, i ended up at national level without realizing. Ended up going to a dream, elite college. More unexpected: Had my short-lived pride crushed within a few weeks and months when i realized i was in a sea of sharks there. Struggled with anxiety and depression, self-esteem dropped. Lived away from home for the first time and my first serious relationship ended after 5 years. Overall, emerged sadder but somewhat stronger with not much clarity on what i wanted to do with life.

– At 22, ended up grad school which was the exact one i wanted. Turned out it was a place that i hated and my classmates were nasty, horrible human beings mostly. Also broke-up with another serious boyfriend due to some reasons..However, the unexpected blessings despite the bad: Pushed out of my shell and made new friends, learned to live alone, enjoyed some really good times and met the guy i am dating seriously right now.

– Now: I know what i want to do with the future and the person i want to end up with. It has come at a price though in terms of time, depression and dip in performance on some occasions. I have made lot of mistakes in the past. The only difference is I am ready to move on if things don’t go as planned and i am confident i will find an alternative. Life does throw unexpected curve-balls and some we create in our minds through over-thinking.

Bottom line: I wont give up without a fight to the finish though or lose my spirits so easily. Disappointments and failures will happen in life as we keep growing but we have to keep doing our best despite it.

Hey Katycat,

I am a little curious about this guy on the dating app – what was it about him that attracted you to him over the others? What was it about him that was “so good”? What were your past relationships like? You said your exes treat you like a little girl and the last one cheated. How was the dating guy app similar or different from them according to your perception?

Regards,
Nina

Well I think we all feel bad when a friendship ends suddenly. Please understand there is nothing wrong with you though. Looks only matter on some level. Its quality of charecter and interest that matters more to me. In her case, she is very young, she has other priorities, prefers her own age group and that’s fine. The problem is the age gap and situation. Its not you 🙂

There is nothing wrong with missing a friend though. The best way to move forward is to find a newer activity to keep you involved – read on a regular basis, go for walks, volunteer somewhere and help out. I know despite all of this, we all do want a kind of support and validatiob from others. you could go on 7cups.com and simply have a chat with someone. There are some good listeners there.

Sometimes we just a person to share stuff with, it’s normal actually. I have a feeling that online dating might not make you super comfortable but perhaps instead of a direct looking for love thing, it’s better you try something like looking for people with common interests or friendship.

And apologies for typos and repeats, wrote this on phone.

I hope you feel better soon Andy, everything will be fine. Don’t beat yourself up too much.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Nina Sakura.

Dear Qrasy,

I am sorry it didnt work out with her and you are hurting. How you feel after heart-break is exactly what you are feeling right now. However, though you dont see it at the moment, things will change for the better. You met her at a phase when you were in the middle of unemployment and job search – that in itself is a damn frustrating place to be in and actually worsens depressive tendencies. She was like a breath of fresh air, hope in life…the first love thrill too…after all, what more can one say about someone who we were involved with for 2 months, had limited contact with in person and mostly talked on the phone. Its easy to say big words about love, plan the future, etc but the real challenge lies in actually doing them…Bigger actions, lesser words. She is 33, thats quite an old age for a woman in a Muslim society if she wants to get married. Obviously she would be in a big hurry. There must be pressure from her family too…I do understand that part. It would make sense for her to go for a guy who was settled financially. I am sure she must have been fond of you but clearly she didnt see a future in this. That became obvious to her over time – thank God you people broke up this early, imagine how painful it would have been if she had continued to go on despite not really wanting to.

You are afraid of the future right now and see no respite from this pain. It is out there though. These are trying times indeed but more the reason you have to be more positive – you will find a worthy partner later. I understand that the notion of arranged marriages may make this unlikely but this experience may actually help you in understanding what a worthy girl for you really is. You will be able to choose better. Secondly, if you cant find a full time job right now, perhaps an internship might help or atleast something to keep you occupied during the day. See its a comfortable place to feel bad like this and wallow away in self-pity, feel doomed about the future but you need to push yourself right now to come out of this. You deserve better and you will get it – you will emerge wiser and stronger from this experience. Think about the people whom you love the most other than this woman. They have been with you longer – sometimes we need to be strong for them when we dont have any left for ourselves…

There are two things i want you to do somehow – one is to read this book called “Man’s search for Meaning” By Victor Frankl. The other is to watch this movie called Anjaana Anjaani – its an Indian movie, i dunno if you will find the subtitles for it but its worth a shot.

Please stay strong.
This too shall pass.

Nina

Be patient dear, everything will be fine eventually – think of all the good he does and has done when you are in doubt and feel bad. Remind yourself that this long distance situation isnt permanent anyway, you guys will get married and things will be fine.

Hey gg4tp,

There is a reason why they say long-distances are hard – here is my side of the story after a number of long long-distances – you gotta have more faith in your partner’s intentions. Sometimes their style of communication will not be in sync with yours and neither will their energy levels – you cant verify this 24×7 and seek explanations all the time. Sometimes you have to let go of rationalizing and understand what is it that you are feeling inside when the grey areas start –

1) Do you feel he doesnt care about you?
2) Do you feel he sees no future with you?
3) Do you feel that this man doesnt love you and had verbally, physically abused you?

Please examine the stories you tell yourself to fill up the communication gaps that inevitably occur

Some people arent good at communication – i understand thats all you have in long-distance at first appearance but there is also something called trust and commitment – you gotta trust that your partner will come back to you. He bothers to tell you why he vanished, he bothers to be in touch though thats not his usual way, he cares even if it isnt the way you are used to. You gotta find a middle way around this – you spent 2 years together, surely that was worth something, right? Dont let these doubts ruin the relationship. Dont break his heart and yours like this.