Hey Jessa,

I am glad it was of some help. You aren’t the only one who does this – we all do to varying degrees. Our rational mind is very good at putting life into neat like compartments but frankly, the execution isn’t so simple for we are creatures of emotions and habits.

I would like to share though about the ways that have helped me with “obsessive worry” and “physical anxiety”.
Based on past experience, I feel there are usually two ways to cope with this kind of worry:

(1) Deflect (2) Dive

Everyday folks without a history of anxiety or neurotic tendencies dive into (1) as their coping means. But for people with anxiety or more distressing issues, deflect isn’t so easy actually because we are literally “reliving” something that started the problem in the first place.

What has helped me the most is to “dive” – “deflect” is now easier. By “dive”, i considered the thoughts i have when i have these anxieties – usually i use a messenger app to write a message to another fake account when the “thought vomit” comes – i write the worst possible version that my mind can come up with – usually a long angry rant about how the world is bad, people are mean, they always hurt me, they just want to use me blah blah…eventually i just calm down and i feel like i can have a more “rational” conversation with myself. I ask myself two things here:- “how true is this story you are telling yourself?” and “is the bigger picture of life still intact?” and i start writing the answers to that too. then i just delete the whole thing and never read it again.

This might seem like a rather long process to write this all down but it has helped somehow.

The second part of “dive” is an awareness about the things in my life that i actually like – no one has a perfect life but there are small things that do bring some happiness – Basically plain and simple gratitude for whatever i have in this moment…Positive energy is very important to make it easier to tolerate the negative ones. Some of the bad stuff can’t be rationalized away – we aren’t robots with switches but we can choose 6/10 times to focus on the “better” part instead.

The third part is “conditional exposure” to the source of discomfort – for example, if i dont trust people outside my comfort circle, then the way out is to simply take a chance once in a while (within sensible limits). I still have some levels of social anxiety but the way to break free is to do things that scare me in smaller doses – the tendency to over-think is still there but its lower when i am happier with my life and myself. My best friend is a great example of this – I have often mimicked her positive attitude many a times and this has helped a lot.

For the physical discomfort: The fourth is to simply space out somehow, go for a run or walk without the cell phone or just some good music on. Find that spot of “inner peace” in your mind.

I dont quite have perfect answers – everyone copes differently but i do hope that maybe something among this will help you. That worry that you feel, most of us actually do feel it at points in our life, so you aren’t alone in this at all.

Regards,
Nina

Hi,

This is the simplest version of the answer:

http://sendablequotes.com/quotes/26091.jpg

Before I can say more, I want to know more about your experience so far with this viscous cycle in your adult life too.

Regards,
Nina

Dear endlessskies,

There is more to you than the facial hair and I am glad you are very much in sync with that. The best of us aren’t made of diamond armor – hell we are weathered down by internal battles by life’s sudden curve-balls..You are mentally independent and despite these circumstances beyond your control, you are making the best of your situation. I admire your courage and independence.

Have you ever heard of Lizzie Velaquez? Someone posted a clip/pic of her and labelled it as “the world’s ugliest woman” and it broke her heart. People said such horrifically cruel things to her blatantly. This is a tedx talk she gave about her life afterwards.

I dont really have much to say except that i could offer you a virtual hug and say “you go girl, follow your dreams!” 😀

Regards,
Nina

Jessa,
This sounds a lot like social anxiety actually but I am not sure really – when did these feelings start and is there any incident in particular that made you feel more cynical about things? How do you define trust outside of associations with close friends and husband?

Regards,
Nina

Ahh good to know that it’s for the job only, phew! And yep, thats an insane commute on a daily basis. You must be tired often and more the reason why she needs to make an effort too, atleast once if she wants to meet, especially after the last stint related to the hotel.

Hey Ablanura,

All i can say is that i understand its annoying to get ditched at the last minute. I understand she’s had a terrible loss but there are other people in her life who can support her too in their own way. Her equation with this guy is not that of a “just friends” one – she priorities him as a result. In your case, all i can say is Instead of commuting 4 hours a day for her, try calling her instead on a regular basis. Support her but don’t bend backwards like last time to do so.

If she wants to meet, ask her to come over instead as its not possible for you to commute so much currently – you did show up to London before for her and spent a night in a hotel instead. Its time she did her bit too. However, as she is grieving right now, better not to bring up the irritation with her behavior. Let the dust settle by itself.

This is a small example I will give you: A friend of mine made plans twice and cancelled. The first time she cancelled the moment i was ready and about to leave the house. The second time she just forgot and messaged much later to cancel. Both times were pretty annoying but I decided to drop it, say that its okay – the rule though was i prefer not to initiate until the next time she does. Then a week later, she herself shows up at my place and we hang out. I drop the whole “aww man, you’re pretty busy these days, right? you had to cancel the last two times” while laughing with her over some jokes and the message is received…albeit indirectly and gently. This approach works best with people we are relatively close to but not super close either.

The others will surely have more sensible advice/ideas to offer but this is my version of the situation.

Let this anger go – you did your bit, she is anyway not in her best state now.

Regards,
Nina

Anxiety disorders and an inherently negative view about the future turn of events, past traumatic experiences are causes. Tell me more about situation though – When do you feel this dread the most and when did it all begin?