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October 21, 2016 at 11:55 pm in reply to: Improving self esteem weakens your attachments and improves your contentment #118682
Nina SakuraParticipantBrav,
Thanks for the post. I want to add that I have learned immensely from the previous relationships that didn’t work out – I have a poor estimation of my abilities as a person still but I never felt I wasnt entitled to respect and proper treatment. Having a good sense of boundaries also helps I think. Wouls never settle for foul language, infidelity, lies and a host of other stuff. I left my first serious relationship after 6 years when he disrespected me and things fell apart. I still loved him but I knew I deserved better than this. Maybe that’s the self esteem you are referring to.
The biggest lesson from a current long distance relationship is support and understanding – you both have to work as a team and trust eachother, help eachother grow as people.
Loneliness is inevitable in life due to various reasons – with or without people, it isn’t a bad thing though, just our mind’s way of signalling that something needs to change within us – our view point or the activities we undertake.
Regards
NinaNina SakuraParticipantBirdy,
Modern life is difficult. Its made more difficult with the mental fatigue and negative clutter that gets accumulated. My only suggestion for balance is not to aim for every day balance but weekly one. And secondly, to give yourself just half hour a day for one thing that energizes you. Trim the unnecessary corners and include some good things – i got no magic answers honestly.
Life is like riding a bicycle – to maintain balance, keep moving.
Nina SakuraParticipantRayasanguin,
You sound tough according to me. cut yourself some slack – it’s not you, it’s just the situation – long distances are anyway hard and when partners are in high-stress situations harder still. You have been managing quite well despite what you think actually and we all need that 1 person atleast whom we can really talk to, not just the nice talk, the shitty “oh baby, I am exhausted” thing – it’s not a dependance issue, you are a human being and we need support systems, some intimacy. you have feelings too. Right now he is simply really far away and most guys actually suck big time at this texting stuff I have noticed.
As for what you mentioned in the end, it would be a good idea to deal with emotions of the past through therapy.
Please do share any time soon
Regards,
NinaNina SakuraParticipantI don’t resent it, not quite fun always but just a feature of corporate life. I don’t see the point whining about it. For interests, projects outside of work, keep time outside of office and weekends – that’s pretty much how most of us manage or find work you really enjoy during 9-5 🙂
Nina SakuraParticipantMatt, sorry about your current state of depression. I don’t have any profound answers for your analysis except that the feelings and thoughts of despair, rumination are the parcel of depression. You aren’t inferior for having depression just like someone isn’t inferior for having a broken leg or a cold. It’s a medical illness.
Nina SakuraParticipantHey Anita,
Thanks a lot for saying that, good luck on your journey and thanks once again for your time on this forum. I read here often and you have been so helpful here.
Regards,
NinaNina SakuraParticipantShelly, I hope things are fine for you soon, good luck!
Nina SakuraParticipantIts a suggestion simply and the actual response is up to you. However trust your partner and regulate your impulsive response despite the anxiety you feel. The above is the response that has worked well in my current long distance relationship, perhaps your appropriate one can be tweaked according to the equation you guys share 🙂
Nina SakuraParticipantTo be honest, from one girl to another,my suggestion is to drop him a message along the lines of “I wanted to let you know I am here for you whenever you need me, take all the time you need to relax after exams and give me a call once you feel refreshed, I know you will rock the LSATs, you worked so hard and I am real proud of you. I love you and miss you”
Do not pester him with Hi, how are you messages to nudge him to talk because you feel anxious. Let him miss you a bit and also have him know you are ready to give him his space and have a positive orientation towards things.
Do your bit and go chill with your girlfriend’s, watch a movie, go shop.
He will be back and happier still that he can rely on you to be calm and supportive in these moments. He sounds like a dedicated chap and you are a devoted, sensible girl. It will all be alright soon.
Nina SakuraParticipantGive him some down time, not only is he anxious about results but also mentally exhausted after exams. Guys come round once their “me time” quota has been satisfied – it’s got nothing to do with you or the relationship, it’s just a basic space need which guys crave after a stressful, tiring event – zone out with video games, meet their guy friends for a quick game or watch their match, drink beer – your boyfriend needs some space to rejuvenate, I am sure he will contact you soon, be supportive and positive, everything will be fine.
Nina SakuraParticipantDear Anita,
Your therapist sounds very good – even when I went through other threads where you mentioned about him, I was impressed with the level of care they took. It’s quite unheard of these days in the age of dry professionalism. I really identify with the impulsive, restless adult you mentioned – sometimes I still find myself getting too worked up over trivial things but with time it’s getting easier to be calmer. I will try some of the methods you mentioned here. It would be great to cultivate a healthier state of mind over time. Thank you for your efforts and patience with us all here. I am rather impressed with the time and care you put into listening to the posters here and wonder how you manage some of the contents emotionally. It must be a bit draining too at times when things get kinda negative and triggering, I wondering how one deals with those stimuli. Nonetheless, I hope to someday have the kind of compassion and patience you have. Got a long way to go.
Regards,
NinaNina SakuraParticipantYes, I think marriage should begin with a fresh slate – meaning both partners should be comfortable and confident enough to hear the truth about the past, make their peace with it and know that a commitment is being made after all of this. The best time should be while in the relationship itself when that place of trust has been reached – without trust and openess, acceptance, what’s the point of starting a marriage in the first place?
Nina SakuraParticipantDear Anita,
Yes, you are right, it’s the root of other things too. I remember this analogy I came across as the whims of the mind equivalent to that of a child whose ice cream is denied – they cry, they whine, sometimes we give in to those cravings but I think regulation is about letting the more objective adult within us rise.
My parents often tell me one learns a great deal of patience as they experience the challenges of life and that our generation is often uncomfortable with uncomfortable feelings – we seek instant gratification – that immediate answer, the quickest transaction, the short cut self development route but it takes piece by piece to truly make our way and immense patience, a steady state of mind is what needs to be cultivated.
I suppose that is partly what they implied as emotional regulation without saying it in jargon terms.
What means did your therapist equip you with to deal with uncomfortable emotions?
Regards
NinaNina SakuraParticipantHey Anita
What I understood is summarized well here “In simple terms, Dr. Davila presents us with the idea of insight, mutuality, and emotion regulation. These skills will help anyone develop romantic competence.Romantic competence is the ability to function adaptively across all aspects of the relationship process: from figuring out what you need; to finding the right person; to building a healthy relationship and to getting out of relationships that are unhealthy.
Insight is one’s ability to know what you really want. Mutuality is being able to understand and communicate that you and your partner may have different sets of values, ideals and standards. Emotional regulation is a person’s ability to stay calm and think decisively even in challenging times.People who are romantically competent are more optimistic about marriage and actually being in relationships. These 3 crucial skills in building healthy romantic relationship should be something that we start working on as early as possible.”
Nothing super profound per say but useful for daily basis actually- especially emotional regulation.
Regards,
NinaNina SakuraParticipantDear Nadia,
I have no interest in this spell casting nonsense or sending money to Nigeria for the same. Take the scam somewhere else.
Regards,
Nina -
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