Aja, the past actions of others can’t be changed and we can only choose after a point to stop believing that the past will control everything about our life, including our ability to face life and our worth as a person.

Hi,

It’s not easy to actually be your own person but it is inevitably a part of growing up. I am wondering though, what are you afraid of – things going wrong?

Sometimes I think I spent too many years worrying what other people thought and never quite appreciated myself. I always held back in showing my best side – I am not sure why I did that but the simple answer I have is lack of confidence in myself and the unwillingness to take on risk, facing disapproval. I won’t say I haven’t rebelled but I don’t think I have come out of caring what others think.

Finally i threw my hands up one day and thought “Come on, we all care of what others think to some extent” – I won’t deny that anymore but the key is to go on doing what we need to do for ourselves. I was deeply unhappy because I was trying to be out of the mould and yet fit in. Then over time, I thought, let’s take the middle way on this.

And another thing is to take each day at a time – sometimes we put this immense pressure on ourselves to grow personally that we forget the years it took to become that person in the first place – it’s a bit like massive weight loss goals- all fine for long term health but obsessing about it, going crazy in the lrocess when it’s not happening as per plan isnt worth it. I have often noticed how I go a little nuts when I start good habits, it’s almost as if I want to prove my mental mettle but in hindsight, this is a personal journey, not a PR campaign.

Loneliness, feeling uncomfortable are inevitable, just like the more pleasant, peaceful feelings that also come- every person on this planet has experienced the above in some time. People often get confused with the idea of being comfortable with being uncomfortable – they think it’s a passive idea – what is passive according to me is to whine about this rather than to have an active approach to finding companionship with oneself and also making newer connection along with acceptance that no matter how hard we try, some days it will be rough and we just gotta ride it out.

Sorry I went off on a tangent here, was sort of introspecting on things.

I think you are doing wonderfully bdw. This kind of growth takes time and patience. Would love to hear more from you soon.

Regards
Nina

PS – lot of typos – hard to type on phone.

It won’t be long – all this reflection and ideas you are gaining will give you both perspective and courage to stay positive and have a clearer self image.

Dear Tim,

I am glad I cheered you up a bit 🙂 you being introverted isn’t a bad thing at all – most guys I know are kinda reserved in the first appearance and then they eventually open up – I like the introverts because of the deep conversations I have had with them and well, I am one too haha…extroverts are awesome too to liven things up and push one outside their comfort zone.

Well you are right. An introvert will have to make some effort to interact and open up. I think it will be very beneficial if you could work on being more open – not just to find a partner but rather to feel more comfortable in live interactions.

It’s simply a matter of time and place I think. If you want, watch this movie called “before sunrise” – there is another movie called “before zunset” and then “before midnight”

You will learn quite a bit about how introverts work in love and about relationships as they progress.

You will meet the girl when the time is right. I have this odd belief about the universe after 3 experiences so far in most unexpected ways – keep yourself open, positive and with a clear head.

Internet often has lot of biased advice for the same issue, so don’t take it to heart entirely if something super negative is there.

What’s your ideal girlfriend like? If there was something that interested you, what would it be?

Regards,
Nina

• This reply was modified 8 years ago by Nina Sakura.

Dear Michael,

Two years is a long time. You are hurting now. How you behaved was how anyone with even a shred of feelings would – your ex too has convaluted feelings about the situation but it’s best to maintain distance. I suppose she moved on in her mins long before she ended things officially. The most obvious signs of this is withdrawal and disinterest, lack of the usual involvement shown by women…there is no lesson I can offer here except give this pain time to heal and let the days pass, live your life despite the ups and downs.

I am sorry I am not of much help but I simply feel that these situations are such that one needs to go through the unique cycles of healing, change – friends and solitude, new hobbies help the most to develop your own inights which help through the pain.

Try watching “500 days of summer” sometime.

I hope you feel better with time.

Regards,
Nina

Purpose,

Before falling asleep is the hardest somehow – I miss my guy the most then, I miss him even after a Skype call – I miss those days we had before long distance especially – though I love this new found closeness we have now, I miss just being still with him, the goofiness in person…sometimes I cry and end up writing long, emotional messages I delete 😛 then I feel calmer..sometimes I think God gave me too many tear glands or something.

Truth be said it saddens me that our situation is so complicated (lot of things beyond long distance) but I am glad that I have such a loving, respectful and encouraging partner in my life. I want to remain optimistic and strong despite these uncertainties.

Sorry I went off on a monologue suddenly…I just wanna say that I understand and that it will be okay.

Regards
Nina

Dear purpose,

Some disagreements do happen in a relationship from time to time and then people sort them out, reach to an understanding. Emotionality is all great but it is the commitment and understanding that truly counts. Both of you are in long distance – your lives are separate though the bond and commitment is what should remain.

What that means is you know and trust eachother enough to let go of the need to control and judge. He is in a new place now and is adjusting – lot of emotionality is normal in the beginning when relationship just starts, after that what matters is if he treats you with respect and you can count on him – this doesn’t mean endless communication through the day or a monologue about feelings and activities. Its something deeper and i cant explain it in words. I can’t say this enough to people – have more faith in people and be patient, explain your needs in a calm manner but be reasonable too.

He isnt here to solve your loneliness. To be comfortable with your life, to enjoy yourself without him and be happy for him as he is adjusting in his life is the mindset you need to have. This is my major learning after long distance failures in the past.

Fill your days with things you enjoy – how can you really compare how he feels about new friends and you? It’s like apples and oranges. Both have their own role to play.

To develop a rich inner life, you need to spend more time in good movies and books, spend time with your friends, get involved deeply in your purpose in life – and share it with this person – don’t expect him to complete you – only you can do that for you.

Regards,
Nina

J,

I am closer to your age group so perhaps my idea will have a sense of myopia to it – stress is inevitable in life but I think it’s important to know what’s worth the stress.

The pros of going overseas are new oppurtunities, new environment, new people and perhaps being in a career you are passionate about. Monetarily too it will be a rewarding thing I hope.

The cons are a new environment, new culture and people, being away from family, adjusting in new environment and financial constraints of travelling to and fro.

Look at the two paragraphs carefully – they are almost the same thing aren’t they?

What matters though is the person and perspective – this is actually different in each case and comes down to three things :-

Your level of passiom, the confidence you have in your ability to deal with the unknown and also your willingness to improve yourself.

Maybe your therapist has her reasons for saying what she says but what do you think and what can you do to get there?

It’s all about perspective at the end of the day. What’s yours?

Regards,
Nina