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caroleParticipantYou are so right Anita. I had thought I was nearing the end of the grieving both for the loss of my parents and the loss of him and our family. I guess I still need time. I had my head in a good space for awhile but retirement with oodles of alone time has set me back a little. We were just legally divorced recently too and it seems like I have to re-visit it every so often. He certainly has never given me any indication that he’d ever want to be with me, so it’s feels silly to be upset. I guess I should stop scrap booking pictures from our life as a family, huh! Thanks for the thoughts – I always appreciate your take on things!
caroleParticipantI wrote a whole bunch and now it’s lost? I’ll check back in with my story when I get a chance!
caroleParticipantHey all!
Be careful! You might get what you wish for (said with tongue in cheekcaroleParticipantPeter, thanks for you reply – the quotes were awesome!
caroleParticipantInky,
Loved what you had to say! I do think that is what I am trying to do (find the joyful things)!!! I just seem to get sidetracked at times especially with such a long winter! I was in the sunshine doing some digging today and it felt so lovely!
Anita,
Counseling has always been a help except when I either did not go to someone who knew how to be helpful(with my husband after he’d already decided he wanted to leave)and several different male Psychologists/Psychiatrists, who sucked). I was horribly exploited by one years ago! Being a Psychologist myself probably makes it hard for me to find a good fit; on the other hand I have a hard time sticking up for myself when something isn’t working. I probably still have a lot of “stuff”to work through although not as bad as some go through.
It definitely appeals to me to try to relax and let things unfold, doing what feels right and good. My last Therapist was a big proponent of Acceptance and Committment Therapy. She was very helpful, but she retired shortly before I did so I have not sought anyone out since I have had so much alone time on my hands!I love getting feedback so much – writing here has reinforced some of what I’ve been thinking!
caroleParticipantP.S. My father was blind, so your own story resonates!
caroleParticipantThank you, Sunnigirl! This is exactly what I need to hear. I love the way you talk about a “next self”! I have often said to myself that I am getting to know myself… Always taking care of others can get in the way of even knowing who one is. Also I do need to trust myself and my own “work” towards peace. I even go out alone sometimes and hang out with my married friends, but it’s hard! Your counselor sounds terrific. I hope you are also realizing some time of your own – you sound like you have a lot on your plate! Again thanks for your response – means a lot to me!
CarolecaroleParticipantShould say take care of me up there!
caroleParticipantAnita,
Before I saw this I did send her a brief message telling I understood her hurt feelings. She replied that she just feels left out and will not plan anything with me anymore so she won’t be hurt again. She wanted to know if I still wanted her to take of her. I said no, I will be fine. I believe I will be fine. It is better to depend on friends who won’t expect anything in return!!! I am going to take care of myself which is something I have to constantly remind myself because I lean towards care taking others often!
Maybe I will email you – you mentioned how to get in touch in another post. Little nervous about this being so public!!! And Thank you thank you!!!!caroleParticipantAnita,
I think he/you are right about trying to acknowledge the pain she feels but not try to fix anything. I kinda knew when I responded to her during her last upset that I should have just tried to reflect back her feelings. It is incredibly hard for me to “hear” her especially when she clearly blames me for causing her to feel the way she does. I have to be reminded often that I am not responsible for her as you said and to try to move away from the guilt I feel for having a “better” life than hers. I wish she understood that she is choosing to interpret many things in a negative direction which only serves to make her more alone. I do think it is a good idea to start saying the I see your pain or know you are in pain (AND STOP THERE!) I read another post on here about expectations… I have to let go of mine for her so that I don’t get into trying to justify where I’m at and what I have done for her; she is stuck in her feelings and isn’t capable of hearing anything else! I am definitely going to try this from now on, if she will start speaking to me again..Or maybe in a few days, I will be able to reach out to her, once I am feeling less anxious and overburdened!
Thanks again,
I have really enjoyed this dialogue! It has been so helpful, especially to know a psychotherapist has the same problem! I need to get back into therapy, but it is often hard finding a good fit!!!caroleParticipantP.S. My sons’ are amazing!!! They have graduate degrees, are happy in their jobs and lives and are a joy to be around! YAY! I (along with my ex) did something right!
caroleParticipantThank you Anita! You have put this so succinctly. I know this, but when it comes to the moment, I feel I engage with her because of my own issues (after all I grew up in the same family, with a mom who was mentally ill but rarely sought help, trusted nobody and was just plain mean!) I have been through lots of psychotherapy and am a School Psychologist by trade. My sister is very opposed to psychotherapy – again trust issues (so weird to hear her downgrade my profession)…she is a lot like my mom, but not quite as mean or unreasonable and can be a delight at times. Thank you validating what I thought but have trouble accepting that I can’t make her be more accepting of who I am!!! She often tells me I am cold and repeatedly tells me how often I have pushed her out of my life.
I have come such a long way and I don’t need this weighing me down but am so tied into rescuing her (been doing it since she was a teenager and I was a young adult). Always my role in the family! I am sure you guessed that! Anyway, I will carry on, because I can! I will have to go back occasionally and read your reply so I don’t forget!!!
Love and Peace,
CarolecaroleParticipantI,too feel like I have been hit hard and am trying to just sit with the emotions that seem to be swirling around. I lost both my mom and dad in the last 18 months and after each death my husband of 27 years asked for a separation. I weathered the first death and separation, partly because my husband never actually left ( he was sleeping separately, but otherwise involved in our “life” together) and seemed to want to move forward in the last six months. Now with my father’s death he has once again asked for a separation and I believe he will now move out, since he feels living with me is part of the problem. He is reluctant to tell anyone and everything is moving at a snail’s pace, including telling our “twenty-something” children! He has a really hard time communicating how he feels and when he tries to explain, he says that I require too much care taking ( much of what he does to “take care” is unsolicited). This is such a painful time for me… I absolutely hate losing the “family” we created with good results except for the unhappiness between us now. He has his own therapist but isn’t interested in doing any couples work… I understand that I have to let go. Why is it so painful? Is sitting with it and moving slowly to remake my life going to work. I am so old to have to rebuild my life!
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