Hi Bonnie,

I’m 37. And I spent most of my life feeling sick of feeling this way – insecure, a loser, a failure, unworthy of being loved. This is in spite of a very successful career, buying my house independently, having made lots of friends and looking back, a very good life. Do you know what made me not feel like a failure anymore? Losing all of it, ironically! I got made redundant, I had to rent out the house, and start up a whole new life abroad, where I am building a business from scratch. And I don’t have friends anymore, but I can’t wait for the business to get going. See something blossom.

I realized that all my insecurities were actually just a product of the environment I was living in. And because I threw myself into work, social life, and underlying memories of a horrible childhood, I never took time out for myself to just be who I would like to be without the frame of reference. No matter how much your family and friends and work colleagues care about you, you have to realize that they are always comparing you to themselves or other people. It’s a stupid thing we do that ruins all the fun stuff – just being able to accept who we are and accept others for who they are too.

So suddenly my old life went – and where I was once colleague, I am now just acquaintance. Where I was once just ex-girlfriend/good friend, I am now off in the distance. And all the insecurities I had I realized were just framed by what other people thought of me. But once their opinions were no longer relevant, neither were my insecurities.

As we get older, the luckier among us get to grips with the fact that what other people think of you is none of your business. All it means to be human is to feel good about yourself, and do your damndest to make others feel good about themselves. That’s it. Stay away from those who make you feel even subtly insecure – because they are just using you to make themselves feel good about themselves. It’s a silly game really, but once you can see how people play it, you realize you don’t need to play it anymore. Wear the clothes YOU feel comfortable in. Do the activities YOU like doing. Know yourself inside out – know the kinds of things that make YOU smile and feel secure, and in time, you will attract the sort of people who believe in you as much as you believe in yourself. It’s taken me 37 years to realize this, but I’m lucky.

It takes a little audacity to decide to be happy with yourself. For me, it felt a bit ridiculous at first. I even felt guilty! Get over those awkward feelings of being able to be happy with yourself, and you’ll be alright. You’ll see other people more clearly. You’ll like people a lot more, because you’ll know they’re just insecure too!