Hi Anita,

i am attending trauma therapy today and have been going to al anon meetings since I didn’t get much out of coda meetings. There isn’t much fellowship there just sharing.

im interested in what you learn from past readings. I have went through some myself looking for advice about my mother’s death because the guilt has been strong lately and my thoughts of her are all day. Memories coming from all ends of my mind. I am definitely experiencing ptsd. Everywhere I go or anything I do I have flashbacks and memories. I’ve been feeling so low and just not good enough for stuff. Like I have been more myself and doing things for me but I don’t enjoy them as much as I used to. I feel like a piece of me was stolen and I’ll never get it back. Do you think I’ll find joy again? In anything? Even with my niece we had a good time but in the back of my head sadness and not worthy thoughts.

Anita you are right but when you grow up with a codependent condition it is so hard to break that. As of right now I am currently experiencing so much pain emotionally, it literally just came over me. It is physical as well. Heart palpitations, throat tightening and a migraine with stomach pain and tension. Is this normal? I keep seeing in ptsd it is and to feel through it. That is damned hard right now, please help!!!!

My younger brothers daughter, the one I’m closest to. Yea planning on taking her to a restaurant. She is 10. I will not see my brother in crossing.

And what about my other symptoms?

I completely agree but the issue I gave is the constant change in moods lately, the dissociation I feel often, the numbness and then the major anxiety. The no sleep unless I take Benadryl. The jolts in my body.

I feel I am suffering from severe ptsd and sometimes don’t see a point in life after what I’ve Been through.

Is this normal? Will I ever feel love again for myself or others? I get so paranoid that I won’t. I also get paranoid by everything these days.

Hi Anita,

Im starting to think I need to say something to these men in my life! Lately while driving I’ve been raging in my car. Having screaming bouts as if I’m in conversation with them. And then I sit and think why haven’t I said it to them? Why do they get the break of hearing the truth about them? I realize I have much built up anger in me that I have suppressed and instead have been acting like a Georgia peach. Not sure if this anger was always there or if it came from this last attack.

Also, something major also has been happening, sadly after hearing my brother say it, I’ve opened back up the wound of feeling guilty for my moms death. It’s painful on top of everything ?. I miss my mom SO bad and realize with all these vultures in my life she was such a kind soul who like me was hurt by men and evil people. I know that is the case!

hi Anita,

I agree. I need time away!

Last night my oldest brother texted if we could meet up and he wanted to spend time with my nephew and himself. I said I didn’t wish to meet up with him but would love to see my nephew.

these are the messages I received this morning

from eldest:

I don’t know what it is that you are going through but I am here for you no matter what. I understand some of the things that you talked about but it struck a nerve when we mentioned my son. I want to do whatever it takes to work on our relationship I love you with all my heart and I will do anything to get your respect back. I’m not perfect and I apologize for everything that I have done wrong but I would give anything to have the bond that we had.

from younger bro:

Good morning cole just wanted to tell I love you and miss you,you still got family here for you and always will be ??❤️❤️

It is confusing and very invalidating to have them do this! I had my head on straight yesterday and now I am in doubt again!

I want the cycle to end. I don’t know what to do with myself.

Hi Anita

I am actually feeling good today. I slept all night! Took 2 Benadryl. Woke up with less anxiety and more motivation. But still so many thoughts. Did not go to dinner and haven’t responded yet. To any of my family who has called or anything. I just have no words but hate that I’m not responding because I look like the crazy one then.

I know you are right!! And I know I was abused but why am I self blaming? Why am I so insecure and can’t move right now? Why do I have to be in so much pain?

My oldest brother is in town again and asked to meet for dinner?

why is this happening to me? How do I react in these situations. I still haven’t dealt with the trauma. I can’t sleep.

Anita I feel like I’ll never heal and my life is ruined. I was becoming happy and handed my power over! Why???