I am not okay!

I have been having severe anxiety attacks!

I nearing a deep depression

i cant it anymore

Hi Anita,

i am suffering so hard from ptsd. The fear today has been real.

i am so scared right now as I sit in an air bnb room. Terrified at life and everything.

today is the first time I feel like this. Can’t even think of the other stuff I have been through just so scared of life. Scared I did the wrong thing by getting an apartment here or one at all. What if I get so depressed I cannot afford it. What if I fail and become homeless. I am so nervous all the time but today I am painfully scared of life. I wish I could just have someone to go to!! I think I need to Anita. I can no longer do this alone!

I am on the verge of a breakdown.

i read fear and scared of life is a major sysmptom of ptsd. It is in full force right now. Trying to ride the wave until it goes away. I need help. My body feels tense and full of stress!

That frightens me. It honestly does

Dear Anita,

I did not go to family. I have been in hotels and AirBnb. But is getting far too expensive to live like this. I’ve been looking into apartments. I have not found anything yet but have a good one tomorrow!

Tonight it is 1:30 am and I am up thinking of my mom. I am sad. I miss that woman. She was a kind soul and I’d give everything to hold her and love her. The guilt and blame come and go. I know ultimately it was not my fault. But boy do I wish I could go back and have the knowledge and love I have now so I could give her some. I know now she suffered from ptsd in a bad way. That woman was traumatized! She needed to love herself and she needed to get out of the stress she was living! It is sad for me. I loved her so much and know if she was here she would be someone who may not like my decisions but she wouldn’t turn on me the way my family is. I am sad tonight. Feels never ending when I think of my mom. Life feels so empty without her. And on top of my gypsie lifestyle it is stressful.

I do want family involved somewhat in my life but yes am very ready to start my own life. Not sure whether I should commit to this apartment or go to Florida. That’s my issue at this moment. Part of me wants a break from work, life and Chicago. But also am afraid re open wounds from that town but also want to see how I feel there. But also part of me wants an apartment here. Also have to find out where I stay in the meantime. Wish someone could give me the answers lol

Hi Anita,

ive been ok. Just don’t know what I want or what to do! I literally bounce back and forth and it’s frustrating! I found an apartment I loved but it got rented and can’t find one I like. Last night I decided. Taking a week or so off work and then going to Florida. Relaxing and letting go of everything. Then this morning I’m like no I need to save and be stable. I have to let my roommate know if I’m staying a month today and I don’t think I want to. I have never felt completely comfortable here. But will I with any random roommates? It’s 750 a month for an uncomfortable bed and no curtains in room so it’s bright! I get no sleep. I am pretty down this morning but managing not to go crazy.

Anita,

i was in a much better place. I was confident and sure of a lot of decisions I was making. I was setting firm boundaries and sticking them. And I actually was loving myself, forgiving myself and having compassion for myself which in turn I was able to give those things to others. It was a good feeling despite the anxiety and depression at times. Now, I can’t say I love myself but I continue saying it daily multiple times. And I just feel so bad. I feel like this inner voice telling me all bad things that I have to talk to myself all day and say those are lies!! I definitely haven’t forgiven myself or others. I have rage and resentment instead. And also insomnia, headaches, neck and back pain. And an unbearable pain that I can’t even name emotionally. Just darkness over me. Can’t experience joy even though I’m trying so hard. I guess it peeks through in moments.

I disagree when you say say I wasn’t healing.

also yes I know of Cptsd. But now it’s really bad. I’ve experienced flashbacks to everything in my life. It’s quite depressing. I am going to somatic therapy, ptsd physiotherapy and will start Emdr. I am going to a TRE class tomorrow. I a doing everything to get out of this state.

What did you do?

I feel it is just a trigger and my response won’t go down. I need to get this fight or flight response down!!

Wow, well thank you kindly for studying my life and putting it so well in words. I cannot deny you are correct. Especially that last sentence. I do look for abuse because I am used to it and I am trying not to be. I do not know how to separate abuse from someone just being themselves which just might be toxic over all. One thing I will say is that you and I disagree strongly about narcissism and yes I have named everyone a narcissist in my life mostly. It is not uncommon for someone to be surrounded by narcissist when they were raised by one. And most people in my family have definitely gaslit me. They tried very hard to change my perception of reality. And that is not ok, that is abuse.

I just want an abuse free life. Is that so hard to ask for?

I am definitely a people please but have worked on this consistently and have kept boundaries which I am proud of. I discovered I was an angry people please so I decided not to do this anymore. That is why during this time I only did what I could for family and did not fall into people pleasing habits. I took care of me first and then helped but I guess I need to get even firmer with boundaries. It should not be this way. I should be able to give and show love for my family and receive it back but because my family is highly narcissistic this is impossible.

Yes I am impulsive but also worked on this. But have lots to work on regarding fight or flight impulsiveness that I react on.

Yes I am usually doubtful and forgetful. I learned this is a trait of cptsd that I have. I forget things and instance often and then remember the next day hence the inconsistency in myself and others. How do I fix this? I hate this!!

Very selective memory, part of the same problem 🙁

Number 5 is sad. I don’t want to believe my mom abused me. I know it wasn’t intentional. Going through my recovery I see that this is hard work and as a single mom and abused woman herself she tried her best!! I just want to hold her and let her know how loved she is, she never loved herself and that makes me so damn sad! This is something that hits me hard. My mom was a sweet woman who I believe tried in life. More than my father and siblings.

I am confused. But also enlightened by this. I feel hopeful that I am on a path to recovery and just need to enjoy the ride instead of fighting my circumstances.

I had a hard life so far! I deserve to be kind to myself during recovery but I definitely have work to do!!

One thing I am trouble by an always will be is the fact that my family are just hurt individuals who I do not believe intend on abusing. I believe they are not aware and are only loving people the way they love themselves. I did this for a long time in life. I was controlling, judgmental and only people pleasing thinking it was love. I am no different. Until now that I am in recovery. So how not forgive these people who are and were probably abused themselves?