It hurts Anita

i have had many post like this

but this is a volcano eruption

it has been too many traumas after another

my mind and body are suffering greatly

im not a broken record this is really happening

I will be. But can’t even be excited. With a million thoughts per minute me I hate myself, flashbacks of every memory of my life. It’s like a movie that won’t end. On and on.

is this normal? Have you experienced?

I know it’s ptsd but it’s debilitating. And I continue trying to hold on to me. The one who feels empathy and love and not become bitter and cold. I want that me back but no light in sight

You can help, you have helped. You make sense of my behavior. I don’t believe I have bi polar. I believe I have cpstd according to my therapist. And in stressful situations my fight or flight response stays on. I believe my body is alarmed at the moment ready for an attack and that is why I cannot get calm these last few days. Too much stress.

Anita, do you think we could speak on the phone?

No just to get away from here

it was my first thought and I didn’t execute

i stayed in hopes for family

and now I’m here. Terrified of the apartment and life

I see. Sorry for that disturbance you are having.

i would definitely email. It is a disturbance.

i know you are limited and i get it.

im just frightened for my life Anita!

Why do I feel this way? Why won’t the stress response calm down for me. Lately it has been on a million. I have had no relief in between. It is bad.

i don’t have anyone to turn to. Not one soul

what do I do, and where do I go? My apartment ready on the first and i don’t even want it!

I dont want want to be here

my life seems ruined. And I know my insomnia and anxiety are playing their role in this but can’t stop it. The thoughts

Anita,

I would not get angry. I am complying with my meds. I am kind and loving. I am genuine and need assistance from someone who gets it. I can make my own appointments. It would so amazing to have someone like you in my life.

My life is upside down and I’m fearful of what’s to come. I didn’t get any sleep. This is my biggest issue. I can’t keep calm. I feel unsafe.

Really did you think about it?

What would be different? I’d have someone who understood my struggle. Someone who has gone through where I have been. A physical being friend who doesn’t just want to take advantage of me. Maybe a fresh start. Maybe a break away from people who wish to hurt me. Maybe a time to heal my head and mind. Maybe some guidance. Maybe a place to feel safe that would calm my fight or flight response. I don’t have anywhere like that here. And the more I am alone the more I feel worse.