Hi Anita,

I have appointment on Thursday to see a General Practitioner. I’m hoping she can help guide on which way to go with medication. I am very scared of this but know I have to do this for myself. Today I woke in constant self doubt and hard to love myself at the moment. Is there anything specific you do in times like these? I have been able to at least get by by telling myself I love myself, to forgive myself and being kind to myself. But doesn’t seem to be working well today. I am going to continue on as hard as it may be. I had the same problem yesterday but was able to take my time and feel better. I had my brother and niece over for lunch. It was such a nice time and I felt some relief. But right before they left my aunt showed up and immediately my anxiety came back and the mood was lowered. I can tell my brother felt the same way. Is it possible she has a negative energy? This has happened to me a few times where I felt as though I was feeling good and as soon as I was around her my mood went down. But when I am down she sometimes helps to bring it up? I am having some trouble accepting I made the wrong decision to come here and having a hard time forgiving that because I was doing so well and lately my energy is so bad what if I don’t get it back?

Thank you Anita, Looking forward to hearing from you.

Hi Anita,

Thank you. I wanted to write again today especially because the turn in thoughts have been major! Here I am again stressed and doubtful. I have been sad and I have been numb. Thoughts of what happened to me, thoughts of what still remains. I haven’t really ever explained the emotional abuse I went through in my relationship to a narcissist. I have studied and researched narcissism for the past 6 months and I am still sickened by the thought of someone using me for 5 years and never loving me. I am hurt by all of the betrayal I am learning took place in my life because I have been forced to look into my child hood wounds. I am so hurt and just want someone to turn to. Some one to hold me and tell me it will be ok. Some one to have my best interest at heart. I do not feel I have that. And it is scary. I have people to turn to at times but it seems like conditional love. I am very hurt by my feelings today as I was once again heading in a good direction. I am trying to understand what triggers days like today. Today I feel terrified of life. I have thoughts of becoming depressed and unstable. I know these aren’t true but they are so scary to have. I am having a bad day Anita. Bad bad day. I know you this is normal, but is it really? Sometimes I feel I may be bi polar or have something wrong with my fluctuations of moods.

Hello Anita,

Here I am again in a stressful place. I have been taking your advice and have been trying to continue whether it’s a good or bad day. I have had high anxiety for about 2 weeks and I have done my daily duties through it all. I was able to do so by loving myself and telling myself I love myself constantly, also by giving myself what I need. Last week a relentless bout of anxiety has overcome me. I fear I have made the wrong decision moving in with my aunt. My gut was telling me that but I over ruled my mind by thinking I could handle the situation. She is completely codependent and is driving me crazy. I don’t know if it is her or my own codependency. She calls me in the morning on her way to work, on her lunch, when she gets off work and text throughout the day. She is a little passive aggressive and controlling. I have tried to set boundaries but I am so new to them and it is hard. I believe this is the cause for this recent bout of severe anxiety causing me no sleep for 3 nights. I fear I am alone in the world. My family was supportive when I first came to Chicago in need but now that things are in motion it seems I am only good when someone needs something. And I feel like everyone is always needing something and expects me to help. I feel bad because I do want to help but at this point in my life I cannot help anyone but myself and I feel afraid of that. I do not know who and what to trust. I am so scared in this moment. I would have to say I think I have had suicidal thoughts. I cannot take my codependency or anyone else. I am trying so hard to set boundaries but it has been so very hard as it seems no one respects those. Is this world this bad? I feel like I have been used my whole life. I do not know if i am exaggerating but it seems this way. I am thinking of renting an Airbnb for a couple of days and see how I feel on my own away from the world. What do you think about this? Is this impulsive or productive to what I am going through. When I get this bad with anxiety I find it hard to trust my own decisions. I just want some relief. If i do go to an Airbnb should I be honest with my Aunt? or Make it seem I am going elsewhere. I want to communicate effectively but also do not want anymore on my plate I cannot handle. Please and thank you for all of your advice.

Hi Anita,

I really wish you made the rules lol.  I wish I could feel good everyday. I understand my fear of being away from the home of origin but don’t understand where all of my anxiety and fear that appears almost every other day comes from. I was doing ok for a few days. Living life just fine, figuring things out and then BAM. Last couple of days filled with fear, doubt, negative self talk, self hate, insecurity, and unable to point out what I need in the moment to feel better. I have been so lonely. I miss my ex boyfriend so bad and still struggle with what happened with us. I know he isn’t good for me and I deserve better but in moments like today where I can’t seem to love or have compassion for myself I feel like reaching out as if I need him. He always made me feel better but ultimately he killed me inside. The pain of his betrayal has been lingering. It’s been 5 months and I still have days like this. Where I have no hope and no vision. Where does it all go.

Hi Anita, Happy New Year!

I made the move to my Aunt’s house on new years eve. It was very difficult for me to leave my brother but we left on very good terms. I helped him set up his place a little nicer before I left and we had a great dinner and everything was so good in that moment. Now that I am here at my aunts I feel very lonely. All the things I was complaining about I miss. I know this sounds immature but it is true. I miss my brother and even my father. I have been down and out these last two days. Another change in my life. I was feeling good about myself and trying to fight my codependency but here I am again. I was up all night with anxiety and fear of life. I don’t know where I am heading. I feel so lonely in life. I miss the man I thought I was going to be with forever. I miss having a routine. I miss my mom. I miss myself when things were much simpler and I was more naive and loving. Learning about all the narcissists in my life and that I was with one for almost 5 years has took a toll on me. I have made a lot of progress but I continue to hurt and feel lonely on days like today. It is like every self doubt thought I have ever had comes rushing at me and I feel like the girl I used to be. Lonely, insecure and afraid. I just want to maintain my confidence and feel stable in life. Sometimes I do and sometimes I feel lost. I am so sad to start this new year this way. I was hoping for a better start.

Thank you Anita, your answers always enlighten me. I am still having trouble finding out where the love was or is. I agree with what you say, my mom was busy finding things to make herself better instead of worrying about her hurt child. I realize I have been looking for love all along. I have been pleasing people in hopes that they would love me. It such a hard reality to think I have been self hating and shaming for years. Its hard to realize I have been mainly abused and manipulated my whole life by my parents, my brother, men, and even strangers in life. It is so hard to start having boundaries and learning myself and how to start even being a “self”. My life up until now has always been lived for others. I have always helped my family, took care of my mom, been depressed from over thinking about others and have never felt good enough to have my own life. Then I got into a relationship and that became my life. Now I am stuck in life wondering where to go and what to do. As I have mentioned before I am currently living in my moms apartment with my brother and father. My brother is not financially stable and I fear he will not be able to handle the apartment alone but I know I shouldn’t be here it isn’t helping my growth. I have an opportunity to rent my aunts basement and I would really like to be there. I am just afraid in life, I don’t want to continue on with same old patterns. I want to learn to love myself and make a life. How do I do that? I feel like I have to keep my family together after my moms death but I feel like I need to worry about myself at this point in my life. Some days I am confident I can and I have boundaries and feel stable and then there are days like today where I wake up with no confidence and my codependency habits are flaring. Consumed with how my brother needs me, how he is making bad decisions in life, not believing in myself. For instance I have saved 5000 and I will continue to save so I can put down on a condo or something to have for me. Well my brother found out and I feel like he thinks I should help him since he is not in a good financial place right now or maybe its just me thinking like i always do to help others. But I know I need to keep building for myself and that is the only way I can ever really help others when I am in a better place.

Hi Anita, it’s been quite some time since I’ve replied to this post. I am struggling with this same situation once again. I’ve been doing well in my grieving process but it’s been a rough road for me. I guess my guilt is coming from the fact that when I got back to Chicago from my break up, I wasn’t myself. I honestly don’t know who that girl was. I realize now I was in a relationship with a narcissist. I realize I was stripped of myself. I had no confidence, I doubted myself and I lost myself. I started to realize these things and was blaming my mom at the time for my codependency from my dysfunctional child hood. At the time I was even considering my mom was a narcissist. But as time has gone on I realize she was an amazing woman doing the best with the life she was dealt. There was betrayal for sure but I know she loved me and I loved her so much. And I wasn’t there for her the way my old self would have been. I was angry and full of resentment. I wanted to take care of only me for once in my life. My codependency had me hit rock bottom. She called me that day she died. She told me she wasn’t feeling good and that they weren’t feed her at the nursing home. I thought she was exaggerating. She was always sick. She was vomiting or 3 months and we did not know what to do anymore. There were so many signs I should have been there for her. I even felt it in my gut that day that something wasn’t right but I was so lost and didn’t even trust my instincts anymore. I wish I could go back in time and be there. And save her. I know it isn’t my fault but something in my heart tells me I should have been there and maybe she would be here. She needed me.