Hi Anita,

I am back home in Chicago. My last day went like this…

Spent the night at my brothers place while other brother and girlfriend & brother and wife from AZ went out to a bar as we planned but I cancelled. Stayed home with nephew. Woke in morning to drunk 35 year olds who could hardly stand.  Heard all about the night and was glad I didn’t go. My brother and his girlfriend came the next morning and we talked as if nothing had happened the days prior. As always. We had lunch and went to airport together. Hardly spoke but were together. I observed my brothers actions and see him as his girlfriends puppet. He doesn’t leave her side and it as if he is afraid to make a move without her. She is highly insecure and I believe jealous of my brother and I relationship when I was introduced in the beginning. Let’s just say she has turned my brother against me and he is now a shell of himself. I have compassion because I too lost myself in my relationship but never did I disrespect my family. It is hurtful. By the end of the flight I was almost in tears by his treatment. To have to accept that my final true connection in this world is fading kills me. He is a good person and many many bad things have happened to him. And I feel like he thinks he found love and is holding on to it with dear life instead of working on himself and healing. When we arrived at my place where his car was parked I said good night and he looked at me and said I love you with this weak voice and I said walking away yea I’m sure you do. Not sure why but that is what came out. He texted me this morning and said Good morning Nichole I love you. I did not respond. He called me twice and I did not answer. He then texted me to let me know he was going to see my Aunt who is dying. I said let me know how she is. I am not sure how to confront this situation. I have to say something to him. But I am so hurt and angry today with his betrayal that I thought it was best I ignore him but I know that I should have better communication.

Anita you are so right. Sometimes I feel like you are super natural by the things you say. I’m having a panic attack reading these things and all that I am going through. This was the worst idea at the worst time. I should have saved my money and went on a stay cation by myself. I am so hurt and disgusted by the betrayal. This trip turned out so different than what I expected. I am so disgusted by my brother who I am closest with and the way he has treated me this trip. He has been so passive aggressive and cruel to me. It’s as if he has a grudge against me but won’t communicate in a healthy way. Since his relationship with his new girlfriend he has been a new person but this. These actions are painful. I have to fly home with these people. I’m so hurt. I don’t know how much more hurt I can take. I’m sorry if I sound redundant but the betrayal never ends everywhere I look and turn is another realization and another betrayal. How could this be happening to me. How can I remain strong. I feel dead and empty right now. I feel like I need to go to ER with these chest pains and stress.

Is that even possible in 2019? I feel everyone is so corrupt. Everyone is selfish and out for themselves and this world forces you to be the same way. I thought I did find someone and a family that I chose and they betrayed me.

Hi Anita,

You are right. So much waste. It hurts to come to that realization. I look back at my life and see some good times yes so I cannot say it was a complete waste. I see my character build and I see love but never the love I craved from others or myself. I never felt good enough and never had my own identity. It hurts most because all of these years I’ve hated myself because I blamed myself for my failures and pains and all along I see I’ve had toxic manipulative people in my life. I understand my life is my responsibility but when you grown up in a dysfunctional family with addiction, poverty, verbal abuse, sexual abuse and many more what else do you know? I hurt because I’ve tried so so hard in life to remain good and true to my beliefs and they were wrong! I feel like I’m losing hope in morality and feel like I need to join the rest of the world in order to keep my peace. I got a hotel last night. Good idea but bad night. First off room was dirty upon entering. Had to wait one hour for house cleaning. Then I vomited my dinner. I believe the over eating I did and stress/pain caused this. Then to wake at 2 am to the pleasant surprise of my menstral which is 2 weeks too early!! This never happens. My body is exhausted. Tired of pain and confusion and not knowing where my life is leading and who anybody is any more. I know you speak of this calm sense of life but it seems far away. It’s like 2 steps forward and 5 steps back. Trying to enjoy the here and now and I think I will have a good day but it hurts to realize the toxicity in my family. The people I loved and trusted most my entire life are now people I’m afraid of right now. Afraid to be in their presence, afraid to be manipulated or judged. Hurts so bad.

Hi Anita, I arrived last night. So far so good. I held my boundaries and did what I had to for me. I do believe I need to get a hotel tonight regardless as to protect my peace. There is no telling when my brothers wife can bring the worst out of me. She has done it in the past and will do it again. I will say I am a little nervous still and just want a peaceful time. Now that I’ve been awaken to people’s behavior it is easy to spot when someone is projecting, manipulating or trying to get a rise out of me. It is very disturbing to know these are people’s intentions. It makes me afraid of the future. Sometimes my boundaries are so good but I do get exhausted always basically having a wall up.

So are you saying I should bring this up? What else are we if we are not connected? I feel very lonely. Last year I was in a “loving relationship” with a man whose family adored me. A huge family. I had my family back home, my mom alive. Yes my family with many dysfunctions but there for me. I was so naive and so happy back then. Now I feel awoke and alone and scared of the world and afraid to move at times. Sometime I feel it is better off to be naive. I miss that innocence. So much has been tooken from since last year. I often wonder why? Why is this God’s way for me. I’m not that religious but if there is a God, why would he want me so alone. I am too fragile to be alone right now. I need support and love and a hug. I need some one to love me without anything behind it.

Good Morning, Anita. Thanks for the details. It seems to be very complicated when deciding to go on meds. And that is what I am worried about. I don’t want to be on so many and then have to deal with weaning off of them. It seems sometimes more complicated than being depressed in the first place. Or maybe I am just seeing the negative end of it.

I am concerned for this trip as well. As it has crept up I feel very nervous about it. I feel like calling it off honestly but I spent 450 on tickets that I do not wish to waste. What can I do to ensure this doesn’t become a disaster? I am thinking of getting a hotel for a night or two on my own especially depending on the vibe. I have been setting boundaries with my brother through the phone these last couple of months and I can tell that he has been thrown off. I let him know the other day that I want nothing but peace on my vacation. I hope he can respect my boundaries. But then again if he is a narcissist as I suspect than everything is on his terms.

Hi Anita, I went to the Doctor and was prescribed Zoloft. I have yet to start it because I am nervous to be on medication. On Thursday when I went to the Doctor I had a sense of calm so I decided I would again try to sooth myself and decide later on if I will take these pills. For the last 5 days I have been pretty calm but still not feeling great. It is weird that I haven’t experienced much anxiety but still feel depressed and unhappy. Am really unsure what to do. I sometimes feel like I am sinking in to who I used to be. Someone unhappy and full of self doubt. I continue to maintain my boundaries but it is difficult. My aunt hasn’t bothered me much these last few days, not sure if it is that I have been kind of numb or because I have accepted I am here with her at this moment. I am very confused today I will say that. Yesterday I was completely numb. I felt like what is the point of life? I have another Aunt who is very sickly and was rushed to the ER for a serious situation and I still felt numb. I feel badly but have low empathy right now. It is a bad feeling. I feel through everything I have gone through I am becoming numb. Maybe my brain just wants a break. I am also leaving to Arizona to visit my brother. (yes the one who molested me as a child and the one whose wife I dislike intensely) So I am so very nervous about this. I wonder why I made the decision to go. I think I did because at the time my other brother convinced me it would be a good idea to get away from the cold and see my nephew which I agree with but am so afraid to be around people who have hurt me so much in the past.