My brother who I used to live with. It was shocking!! And then my brother said we all did. He didn’t say I pushed her to her death he said I pushed her so hard while she was dying. Omg just talking about it makes me nauseous. I feel sick to my stomach right now. I am so scared these feelings wont go away

I do not! I have no one. I feel like I am losing myself by the minute. I have no hope right now, no motivation and almost feel like giving in and going out with my grandma who just called and I know I should not these people betrayed me!!! I cannot give in.

I hate this feeling right now. How can I snap out of this?

Yes it is time!!! I think I am going to go back to Florida! It is my only option at this point. I do not deserve this treatment. Even though this shame is debilitating I know my worth. It is fading and I cannot allow them to take any more of it. I do not want to be impulsive but I think I will be leaving this city and moving on. It is so hard. I feel leaving is just hiding from the problem though but I truly think I need to get away this time. I need separation from these soul sucking creatures.

Will I get my hopes and dreams back? I feel like they are lost. I was doing so well and taking great care of myself. Doing new things and now I feel paralyzed and worthless.

I just know my codependency plays a role in my reactions and I guess I’m internalizing that blame and shame so much right now. I just want it to go away!

I don’t know anymore. I am so lost right now. The wake was literally a hell! Anita I’m afraid I am going down right now. I have no energy. My body is responding to this toxicity I’m living in. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. My aunt smeared me to my entire family. I was chewed up and spit back out with gaslighting and shaming. I fear I’ll never be happy again after this feeling. I don’t even have the strength anymore to get out of this house. I need to go right now but cannot muster up and have NO support at this point. I’m scared

But then wouldn’t it make me just like them if I don’t try to be a better person?

Please tell me I won’t feel this shame forever?

I feel so dark and numb and lost Anita

nit sure what to do with this wake

You are right and I keep telling myself they are just feelings. That is all. But I continue to feel so shamed. It’s also physically affecting me. I feel sick to my stomach. My chest hurts. The shame I feel is the passive aggressiveness that my family are all playing a part in. Basically my aunts husband has made me feel like the smallest thing in the world. Like nothing I did throughout this time was good enough. I have been there for the last three months. I have been visiting. Listening. Supporting and offering advice. And he basically is very clear and full of shame himself and I just feel he placed in all on me and not just me. To the hospice unit yesterday he wore a shirt that said “y’all need jesus” if that wasn’t a statement I don’t know what is. Also my aunt whom I live with continues with her aggressiveness. Was so fake throughout this time and watching people believe in her makes me sick to my stomach. In front of anyone one said “I told Angel (my aunts husband) that WE would buy and set up refreshments for the wake, you kinda like I did for your moms wake” but in a rude cruel manner. It was like a stab to my heart. I’m so drained. I cannot even imagine going to this funeral. I again felt like I was in a sharks tank. I am sick

Hi Anita, wow such an interesting twist. I was in the despair of depression earlier between the situation with my aunt and just life. I managed to get out of bed and started to do things for myself. I reached out to a cousin and had a good conversation. My aunt came home in a great mood and offered me dinner. I said ok. Sweet as pie tonight. Asked me how I handled mother’s day. We discussed my other Aunt going into hospice and losing her and she held me while I cried and she cried herself and I held her. It was actually really nice. I feel much better letting the crying out and having her be nice to me. I am not naive this time, I understand she has problems and this is just a good time with her until the next punch in the face as you call it. But it was still nice because she has been cruel.  Anita it is hard for me because I am so compassionate but I’m not naive anymore. I feel bad people who are hurting like that. It is not easy to sit in pain. I do it without projecting it on anyone. It is painful work!! Definitely not for a weak person. She cried tonight regarding her son. I tried to make her understand she is sometimes wrong but that didn’t go over too well. I told her she needed to focus on herself more instead of judging others. I told her it was holding her back from happiness. I know she will not take my advice. And I know I still have to leave. I am leaving this house. I am hoping she won’t hate me and we can continue a distant relationship. Family is so important to me and it’s hard to think I have to shut them out.   I am very nostalgic right now when we are facing losing my aunt who was a sweet kind soul without a bad bone in her body. She was my moms sister. She was an amazing giving person who suddenly developed a disease and it has taken over her body. Things are in a different perspective at this very moment which worries me that my priorities and feelings change so much. But that life is so short, how can we turn on family. They are not all good including my aunt but they have  good things about them. My aunt is at the hospital with my aunt all the time supports my grandma, there for her brothers and open house to me, and there for anyone who needs it. None of us are perfect. Before living with her I had no problem with her. I have to love family from a distance I believe. I am feeling  very nostalgic. It worries me because I keep getting hurt.