But then wouldn’t it make me just like them if I don’t try to be a better person?

Please tell me I won’t feel this shame forever?

I feel so dark and numb and lost Anita

nit sure what to do with this wake

You are right and I keep telling myself they are just feelings. That is all. But I continue to feel so shamed. It’s also physically affecting me. I feel sick to my stomach. My chest hurts. The shame I feel is the passive aggressiveness that my family are all playing a part in. Basically my aunts husband has made me feel like the smallest thing in the world. Like nothing I did throughout this time was good enough. I have been there for the last three months. I have been visiting. Listening. Supporting and offering advice. And he basically is very clear and full of shame himself and I just feel he placed in all on me and not just me. To the hospice unit yesterday he wore a shirt that said “y’all need jesus” if that wasn’t a statement I don’t know what is. Also my aunt whom I live with continues with her aggressiveness. Was so fake throughout this time and watching people believe in her makes me sick to my stomach. In front of anyone one said “I told Angel (my aunts husband) that WE would buy and set up refreshments for the wake, you kinda like I did for your moms wake” but in a rude cruel manner. It was like a stab to my heart. I’m so drained. I cannot even imagine going to this funeral. I again felt like I was in a sharks tank. I am sick

Hi Anita, wow such an interesting twist. I was in the despair of depression earlier between the situation with my aunt and just life. I managed to get out of bed and started to do things for myself. I reached out to a cousin and had a good conversation. My aunt came home in a great mood and offered me dinner. I said ok. Sweet as pie tonight. Asked me how I handled mother’s day. We discussed my other Aunt going into hospice and losing her and she held me while I cried and she cried herself and I held her. It was actually really nice. I feel much better letting the crying out and having her be nice to me. I am not naive this time, I understand she has problems and this is just a good time with her until the next punch in the face as you call it. But it was still nice because she has been cruel.  Anita it is hard for me because I am so compassionate but I’m not naive anymore. I feel bad people who are hurting like that. It is not easy to sit in pain. I do it without projecting it on anyone. It is painful work!! Definitely not for a weak person. She cried tonight regarding her son. I tried to make her understand she is sometimes wrong but that didn’t go over too well. I told her she needed to focus on herself more instead of judging others. I told her it was holding her back from happiness. I know she will not take my advice. And I know I still have to leave. I am leaving this house. I am hoping she won’t hate me and we can continue a distant relationship. Family is so important to me and it’s hard to think I have to shut them out.   I am very nostalgic right now when we are facing losing my aunt who was a sweet kind soul without a bad bone in her body. She was my moms sister. She was an amazing giving person who suddenly developed a disease and it has taken over her body. Things are in a different perspective at this very moment which worries me that my priorities and feelings change so much. But that life is so short, how can we turn on family. They are not all good including my aunt but they have  good things about them. My aunt is at the hospital with my aunt all the time supports my grandma, there for her brothers and open house to me, and there for anyone who needs it. None of us are perfect. Before living with her I had no problem with her. I have to love family from a distance I believe. I am feeling  very nostalgic. It worries me because I keep getting hurt.

Hi Anita,

I agree with you as usual but why does this inner being in me always have a BUT. Like yes she shouldn’t bad mouth and yes others should have been more careful with their behavior but they also have done a lot of good for me. My aunt listened to me all the time when I first got here. She was very supportive. She let me sleep over before moving here all the time. She made me comfortable. And then she offered me to live here when my brother and I were having problems. So it is hard to cross her off and not feel bad for certain things. I know she has poor behavior. Especially when she doesn’t get what she wants. She doesn’t know how to ask for what she needs, she only knows how to manipulate. That is sad.

I for the most part do not tolerate the abuse. I don’t do things she tries to manipulate me to do and I do not let her shame me when she tries to. I have been so strong and for that I am proud.

I know I do not have to leave but for the most part I do think it is the best thing to do. I love her but I do not think it is a healthy environment during my healing journey. Plus I’d like to salvage whatever relationship we can. Hopefully moving away from her we can get back to the relationship we had. But that didn’t work out too well with my brother. Our relationship got worse after leaving.

So the thing holding me back is the money I will “lose” 250 a month is 1250 in 5 months towards my savings. Which I think I can handle losing. But the space as well. I have a fully furnished basement with kitchen/bath/bedroom/living room and desk area. I will be downsizing into one bedroom but a big one where I can put a desk. A shared bath and kitchen with 4 other women. That is a huge change. HUGE. I love my space during the day as I work. I cook, clean, work and get ready for the day without any disturbance. But on the other hand am always trying to flee this house when my aunt is home. I have spent money on Hotels to get away. At least with strangers as roommates I can go directly to my room when I do not wish to be bothered and not have to worry about being shamed for it, at least I hope not. I am so confused.

Another worry is the fact that my other Aunt is about to be sent to hospice and it will be a hard time for my Aunt and me and I feel bad leaving her at this time. My family may think I am heartless.

I am having a hard time?

But hate that I never get myself out of situations when I know I should. I should have got an apartment by myself as soon as I got here. I think that would have prevented my brother and I falling out as well as his girlfriend and I. It would have prevented my aunt I going through this. I can’t help but have that in my mind lately but am trying to have compassion for myself as I was lost when I first got here.

Thanks Anita, I am comfortable writing in whenever. I myself would just like to write more but life happens.

So let me start by saying I love my aunt she was a huge support to me when I first came back to Illinois and especially when my mother passed. I knew moving in with her would bring challenges but never thought it would be like this. So I noticed the passive aggression in the first month, I noticed the controlling behavior and I noticed her anger when I didn’t do what she thought I should be doing. So I should have left when I seen these red flags. I am trying to figure out why I think I should keep myself in places where I am not comfortable. Sorry I get off topic and vent. The most passive aggressive behavior recently, which caused me to leave for 3 days and I felt great about that was the way she was making these indirect comments about me going to see my aunt who is in a comatose state right now. So since my moms passing her sister got really sick, had a brain hemorrhage and has been unconscious since February. It is horrible for my family right now. Since she was at home sick I have been helping to care for her, since being comatose I have been at the hospital about twice weekly. There was hope at one point but as of lately I haven’t been able to handle the emotions of being there. So I took a break. She started making me feel really bad about this. It is hard to say how she does it, it is never a direct comment with her she just makes these indirect comments aiming to make me feel bad for not going. Well I stood my ground and didn’t go for 2 weeks. I was working two jobs, dealing with her and starting to get really emotional with mothers day coming up and do you think she or my family supports it? No they just want you doing what they want it feels like. Sometimes I feel some of this behavior is not as bad as I make it sound but since the trauma I have recently endured I cannot take it. There are so many different things she does. This is not the only thing. She was talking behind my back about this to family members and I started to isolate because she was making me feel so shameful and then I realized no, I am not going to let her isolate me from my family so I reached out and took my grandma out and also helped her re decorate her bathroom, I went to lunch with my other aunt twice in a row, and reached out to my aunt’s husband who is comatose and let him know I was ready to go see my aunt again and that I had to take a break. I feel much better but as depressed as I was I was ready to isolate myself from family. Thank God I didn’t. Since doing these things the aunt I live with has totally withdrawn from me. She has been dodging me at home and last night she came home and didn’t even yell Hi to me downstairs like she always does. I truly believe she is jealous of anything I do or anyone does for that matter. For years she has downed her son and made him look like a terrible person, and he has done some really crappy things to her, but now I am starting to see how she has played a roll. She has isolated him from family by bad mouthing him to everyone who will listen, making herself look like the victim. I will not let her do that to me. I am a good person and will never do as she wants me to but I do what I feel is right. I have been buying dressed and shoes for spring, the next days she posts her new shoes by the door. The same exact amount I bought. It is like instead of being happy for anything I do she is in competition and makes me feel bad about myself. I am on a loving me trip and I have been doing things for myself because it keeps me out of depression, I don’t do it to show her anything. There have been times I come home so happy and she will say something completely down and sad to get me out of my happy state.  She has a big yard and loves planting and gardening. I let her know from day 1 that I am not into it but would pay half for any maintenance just like I did with winter and snow which she had a problem with. She doesn’t want to pay for maintenance and has been doing it herself. So I have helped as much as I seen fit. I understand she is a 60 year old woman but I will not be manipulated into helping. If she would simply ask me, Can you help me in the yard this weekend? I would say yes. But with my own limits. Instead she leaves gloves and yard tools by the door as a hint. I just totally ignore it, is this wrong? She has told people I am lazy because I don’t do it. She has insinuated I am lazy, and will say passive aggressive things like ” oh I am sure you can use a break today”. I feel bad for her. I realize people who do these things are severely unhappy and it hurts me but I don’t take on the responsibility any more of trying to make these type of people happy. And that is the hardest thing for me. I always felt I needed to save people but I realize some people do not want to be saved. I have tried to give her advice, told her to live her life because all she does is work and come home and judge everyone elses life. Especially her son’s life, she talks every day with his dad and they thrive off of judging everything him and his woman do and what they don’t do. It is so unhealthy. I really thought my aunt was trying to support me but I really think she thought me coming here was going to have someone to control and do anything she wanted, I think she thought I would be home with her everyday, I think she thought she was going to have like a kid again. But instead I am hardly home, very independent and work two jobs, and will not do what she wants. Sometimes I feel rude because I live in her home but I do my share. I keep all of my quarters clean, no I do not clean her house and I think she feels I should help.  Same with the yard, I had my father come and completely set up all the big yard furniture. Nothing is enough for this woman! I feel better because if I was in better spirits I probably would help more since she is elder but I am healing, sometimes I do not feel like getting out of bed. I hardly have the energy to clean my basement area sometimes. I am still hurting. I have been working two jobs. Am I wrong? Be honest with me. I am so unsure sometimes.

Oh and I forgot to mention how she came home 3 different times in the last month and caught me crying and came by me and literally acted as if she care and then asks me if I lost my job? Of all things. I think she wants me to lose my job because she hates that I work from home. She bangs anything she can in the morning to make sure I am up as early as her.

All in all this may sound like dumb things but they are very hurtful to me right now, since I thought she asked me to come here knowing I was in the process of getting my life together and out of support but just like the rest of the world I feel she asked me here for her own needs.

Hi Anita.

Hope you are well. I am sitting home, finally! With a glass of wine. Pondering life as usual. I just wanted to thank you again. For giving me great advice and much to think about.

It’s funny you say you dreamed of giving your mother everything. I did the same thing. It eats me up that I wasn’t ever able to give it to her. I loved her so much. She was my best friend and enemy. That is what we would say. Lately I have been sad. Thinking of her and just missing her and her voice. Wondering if the pain will ever go away. I’m curious if you have spoken to your mom at all? I know in the past you said you have chosen no contact.

So true, this time I have to live my own life. And I am. I am surprised at myself how focused I am and determined to live a life I enjoy. It’s just scary when you don’t really know what you want out of life. Life was my family and then I got with my ex and life was him. Hard finding a life without both of these things. Sometimes still shocks me that this is the case. I cannot believe my life has changed so much in just 7 months. It was turned upside down. So unfair to me. I do want to own a home but am scared what will happen once I take the leap. It seems to be my main focus. Saving. What will happen once I did it. Where is my life heading. What do I do? Where do I go. It’s always been a thought to go to Florida again. But afraid to go back to where I was.  So much pain there. But so much pain here too. I still feel like I need family but honestly don’t believe I can do another year in the cold. But do not just want to go somewhere I know nothing about. I do not like that idea. That is why I thought of where I was in Florida.

It scares me when you say ”

Live your own life then. Make yourself happy best you can, and if it is not intense happiness, be it. Less intense happiness long term may be good enough and the best you can have”

I want that intense happiness someday. But am scared of it?

Dear Anita,

Again I am so sorry for the delay in my response. Working 3 jobs now. Honestly not sure if I am doing it just for the saving benefits or because I am running away from myself. Thank you SOOOO much for your last post. I wish I could hug you because you sometimes save me from my thoughts. You are so wise and I am grateful. I am feeling much better since that night I wrote you but I won’t lie I still ponder my mom and the guilt but I resort back to things I know are true and have screenshots of what you write and it helps me calm down.

In response to your post back on 3/27, I’ll give you an update to where I am at. I am still saving. And doing very well at it even with my slight shopping addiction as of late. I am up to 7500 in savings. I am not giving it away or even pondering it. I am so thankful to have had the courage to save this and actually believe that I can afford a down payment and attempt to accomplish this huge goal for myself of owning a small condo. It makes me feel so good because this time last year I couldn’t imagine believing in myself this way. I do feel good enough for goals!!

I am learning that I have to get away from the drops of love I receive from family. I have accepted that but having a hard time doing it. Lately family has given me some help, atleast being with them. I am still not in much contact with my brother Daniel (the one we refer to as my younger brother but he is older.) It is hurting me though Anita. I love that boy. He has always been by my side. We both weren’t taught correctly how to love ourselves or others. I have deep empathy for him and know his heart is good. I think I am going to ask him to dinner and tell him how I feel about him giving me drops of love and neglecting me in my time of need. I don’t wish to have the same relationship we had but I would like to be on talking terms with him. I love him, him and his daughter are two of the people I love most in this world. Some days I think I need to be strong enough to love myself and make new relationships but still have to do with my family. Because I know should I ever be desperate and need help my family will be there. Any one of them. I just need to learn to heal from codependency and realize I can have my own life and beliefs and still love family from a distance. What do you think?

Also regarding my ex, you are very right. Lately, even though I think of him often, I have no urge to reach out or even know how he is doing. I am on a journey healing myself and that is most important. It does hurt me that we are all suffering though. No one is perfect, which is hard for me to accept because I always try to be. That is something I have been struggling with as well but that is for another day. As well as all the insight I have been having about my mothers life and all the good things I learned from her.

I have been a ball of emotions lately. I have been up and down but am happy with myself because I have been strong and staying on track regardless. I have been so consistent. I am proud of myself.