So you suggest not taking it?

I just can’t believe I am here right now, I am assuming it is the fact I haven’t slept and am having tremors suddenly? By tremors I mean the muscle jolts all night. It is as soon as I shut my eyes so it wakes me right up and I am up all night like an owl. What is funny is that my aunt who passed husband throughout the time I was going to see her told me this exact same thing happened to him. It is so crazy that a lot of the things I am going through are the very things people I know are going through. You say you do not believe in narcissism, but I do and I was projected this shame and guilt and blame. Deep down inside I know this is not me. I was actually doing really well setting boundaries and loving myself. I am very upset I am here in this place right now. So very shamed, my aunt has smeared me so bad I have no support from family. But I cant just blame her, they know it is not true but they are so shamed themselves so they wanted to take me down with them it feels. The stress has been so bad that my face has been itching and I have this sores now. I feel like I am falling apart but I keep holding on by a thread. Exactly, when am I going to stop being bamboozled? Why do I always stay way longer. It is like I like the pain. So upset with myself for not knowing what to do right now. I think Florida it is, I always wanted to go back since I got here but never had the courage since my ex is there but I cannot let him rule my decision. But what if it doesn’t work?

Scary thoughts. How much time can I be wasting more?

I did mean that the day I wrote to you but am now reconsidering. I am so hurt by my family that they would want to make me so little by withdrawing any support. That hurts so bad. I honestly feel like I was doing good and then was bamboozled by everyone as to bring me down to their level like “you aren’t going anywhere “ I am trying to process this trauma.

For now I have rented a room in a nice area for a month. I made that step. Now to get things out of my aunts house will be my final struggle.

Thank you Anita.

I feel a little better today. I suffered a very rough day yesterday. I want to start new but am now doubting everything. It is not fair that living with my toxic aunt has put me on such an edge that she separated me from my family. She is getting what she wants!

She wanted to sabotage my life and she is successful. I’m isolated from family. Left my second job. Have spent tons on hotels by getting away so haunted my savings.

she came home while I was loading my car with some things yesterday so I had to let her know that I may be leaving. I told her my boss wants me back to Florida. It seems like she was so happy for that.

Back at square one. Lost

My brother who I used to live with. It was shocking!! And then my brother said we all did. He didn’t say I pushed her to her death he said I pushed her so hard while she was dying. Omg just talking about it makes me nauseous. I feel sick to my stomach right now. I am so scared these feelings wont go away

I do not! I have no one. I feel like I am losing myself by the minute. I have no hope right now, no motivation and almost feel like giving in and going out with my grandma who just called and I know I should not these people betrayed me!!! I cannot give in.

I hate this feeling right now. How can I snap out of this?

Yes it is time!!! I think I am going to go back to Florida! It is my only option at this point. I do not deserve this treatment. Even though this shame is debilitating I know my worth. It is fading and I cannot allow them to take any more of it. I do not want to be impulsive but I think I will be leaving this city and moving on. It is so hard. I feel leaving is just hiding from the problem though but I truly think I need to get away this time. I need separation from these soul sucking creatures.

Will I get my hopes and dreams back? I feel like they are lost. I was doing so well and taking great care of myself. Doing new things and now I feel paralyzed and worthless.

I just know my codependency plays a role in my reactions and I guess I’m internalizing that blame and shame so much right now. I just want it to go away!

I don’t know anymore. I am so lost right now. The wake was literally a hell! Anita I’m afraid I am going down right now. I have no energy. My body is responding to this toxicity I’m living in. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. My aunt smeared me to my entire family. I was chewed up and spit back out with gaslighting and shaming. I fear I’ll never be happy again after this feeling. I don’t even have the strength anymore to get out of this house. I need to go right now but cannot muster up and have NO support at this point. I’m scared