I guess I’m not numb, you are right I am longing for them. I guess the feel I have is empty and longing for anything because I don’t know what I want anymore. I have no interest in the moment but to lie in bed, this could just be lack of sleep too. I am just having such a hard time adapting to this new change as well. I needed to leave my aunts house but didn’t realize the impact it would have on my mind with everything else going on another change is too much to handle. I miss my routine and my little apartment at my aunts place. I’m confined to a room, I do go throughout the house. Just hard to get used to. No place to call home. It’s saddening. I miss my mom. Broke down about her last night.

And yes when put it that way and I think of Arizona, yes it was bad. I guess I miss the individual relationships with my brothers. It’s when their women are involved that I have problems with them for the most part. For instance, when my brother said I was a bad godmother, his woman and daughter said that. Same with my other brother, his woman doesn’t want him to have a good relationship with me. I don’t know these may be excuses. I am just so lonely. Reaching out to my ex has crossed my mind. But I will not!

I did read 1-10 and I agree with you. You have a gift of putting everything in perspective.

And I know I get angered and hurt at times but I miss family. What is life without family? What is life without love? I know we shouldn’t depend on people for our happiness but don’t we all need love and support and community? My life feels pointless without that love I once felt.

I feel numb and low empathy. 6 days with maybe a few hours of sleep, is this normal? I know I’m depressed. I know I’ve been fighting it like crazy which I’m proud. My mind wanted to lay in bed all day for the past week but I get up everyday and fight it. Get ready, look good and do something for myself but still don’t feel good about myself. Feel empty and longing for my family. I am so isolated.  I feel like I should just communicate with my brothers and tell them how I feel and what I expect?

I tried the over the counter but that didn’t work. I actually came to the er because It was going on 6 days no sleep and I was scared. Prescribed me Xanax and said to start Zoloft. They say I need it with so much stress in my life at this time. I think I’m going to start. But I’m scared

That is so scary! Why do I suffer for what she did, so not fair.

I’m trying.

Just so depressed today

in bed knowing I won’t be able to sleep

feeling lifeless, tired, sore and in pain. The trauma is not releasing.

seems to be just sitting in my body and soul. I wish I could cry uncontrollably.

im on the verge of contacting someone, anyone just to talk but trying hard not to react codependently.

Life is hard right now

I just had a triggered moment. I thought back to some of the things my aunt did to me and I am totally in a shame spiral. How do you get out of this? It is debilitating. I feel helpless, worthless, shames, an like I will never get anywhere in life. All of my things in a storage in Chicago, planning on taking a trip to Florida to get away and then what?

I feel so low! I hate this feeling. It is so scary.

I don’t think that is only it. I think the fact my entire family has turned on me and wanted to bring me down when I was finding happiness kills me. I am so hurt by this but cannot feel the pain or cry about it but I know this kills me. How could that be?

I haven’t had too much time to process my aunts death either. All I can say is the amount of physical pain my body was in throughout this time was so not normal when all I was was around family. I think my body was telling me to get out all along and now I have shut down?

I want to feel again 🙁

I’m in such a bad depressive spiral.

how can I make such big moves with no support

how can I go through this again but with no support. Getting over my ex and leaving was so hard but I had support from family at the time. And wether it lasted or not they were there to help me through this. I have no one now

no one physically helping me or taking me out or telling me it’s not my fault. No one to talk about this with for hours. My aunt did that with me. How could she then turn on me?

So so sad