Thank you! I am still struggling with the new reality that my own mother won’t be a part of this journey.

One of my aunts has sensed that there is some tension going on between my mother and I (my family loves gossip and drama), and she asked what happened. In the past, I would have vented away, looking for support and giving all the details, but instead I just said ‘I hope you can respect the fact that I am taking the high road and do not want to discuss it’. If  she hears it from the ‘horse’s mouth’, that is one thing, but it won’t be coming from me.

I have also realized that even though many people will side with you face-to-face and seem supportive, they will often run to the other party immediately after and do the same. I am sure there is a proper word for it! and I am sure it links back to the primitive need for people to like us.

It is my birthday this week so it will be interesting to see what happens. If my mother does not acknowledge it all, I think I will know that is a final nail in the coffin to move on and she is not a person I want in my life. I have a feeling she will passive aggressively leave me a gift though! 🙂

hi anita, It has now been 5 weeks since this all started and I had hoped I would become more OK with it but I find it more painful and hurtful as time goes on?

It’s challenging right now because my husband and I are working so hard in the evenings/weekends to build our own barn and move the horses home, but for right now, they are still on my mother’s adjacent property. Hopefully within the next month they will be moved! I see her watching me care for them from her window every morning and night and the other night she stopped in the barn to visit the horse and totally pretended she didn’t see me when I was feet away. I said hello but she didn’t respond. I was so angry after she left, I wanted to go to her house, knock on her door and scream at her, and say how immature she was and what did she think this was going to do? I practised some serious self-control and didn’t but I still struggle to believe she is acting this way. I am honestly afraid to open my mouth right now to her because I am so angry (and hurt!)

I still have not sent her a message because I still have this feeling that she will feel she ‘won out’ and I KNOW she will forward it to everyone who will listen. Ugh.

On another great note we are expanding our family and that is bringing up so many more feelings of hurt and betrayal from her. I don’t know if I am gaining some self confidence from this experience because I find myself thinking/saying ‘she doesn’t even deserve me in her life’…or maybe this is a self-protection mechanism? I said to my husband recently that I think she just taken it too far this time, I don’t know that I can forgive her and move past this treatment.

thanks for your reply Jan.

If he puts dog poop in your car, then it is YOU who should be saying something to him, NOT your mother

yes I absolutely did address it in person with him?

 To be stating that your mother doesn’t love you because of these events is somewhat self-involved, I think.

did I say that? I don’t think so, but maybe I missed it?

I know for a fact she is being coached by her best friend who has a terrible non-relationship with her daughters. So I truly don’t think her actions are all of her own. I keep hoping she will ‘see the light’ and realize how damaging this behavior is.

That doesn’t mean you can’t still have a good relationship with her, and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to go no contact

The issue is more the dishonesty and lack of respect, more than her boyfriend. He has been like this for 10+ years, it’s nothing new. And I don’t think that will change, it’s been about 3 years of lying to me to avoid discomfort.

Have you ever been treated like this? If not, it’s incredibly hurtful and damaging. I just don’t feel like I can suddenly reach out to her and brush it all under the rug. I said to my husband on the weekend that as each week passes I don’t feel like I can forgive her.

send her a message saying that sometime after she initiated the silence between her and you, you found out that silence is just what you need from her

My only concern here is that I feel like we are in a power struggle – I know without a doubt that she is being coached by a very mentally unwell friend to not ‘give into’ me (=any communication), – so I almost feel like if I send a message she will feel like she won. I don’t know, maybe it doesn’t matter?

and let her know that if she initiates contact with you before that further notice, you will not respond to her

and please entlighten me if I am off base, but I kind of see this as doing the same thing as she is doing to me?

I would never give her the silent treatment, with each day I just can’t understand she has turned into this kind of person.

Thank you Anita for your reply. I appreciate your support. Thank you for reminding me of the separation/individuation stage.

I am actively working on building my own barn for our horses so that should be finished within the next month.

I agree: the silence is an opportunity of some kind for myself.

I guess that is my biggest question at this time is when the time comes that we come into contact with each other, what do I say? I agree with extending the silence part but I know she will ask for more.

The personal need I have to ‘call her out’ on things is slowly fading. What I WANT to say are things like: “Obviously you don’t love me so let’s just keep this going, it seems like that is what you want”, or /”What did you think would happen by pretending I didn’t exist?”

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by NeW.