So,
I really need help detangling the confusion in my mindabout 3&a half years ago I met my husbandI was kind of out playing the field and trying to get a feel for what was out there after ending a long term relationshipI had absolutely no intention of falling in love with my husband but once I met him everything was over for me all the other guys needed to go and I wanted him to stay at the beginning of our relationship everything was normal lovey dove and he seemed head over heals he was clingy and always concerned. Now I full expected that to die off as it did and that’s OK to a point. Two months after being together I did end up prego. even though I thought at the time I could it ended up I just had to keep the baby it was not an attempt to keep him traped. I just could not do do the alternative I did have two children already from my previous relationship and he was great to them (still is) everything was ok HOWEVER things quickly started to change rather it was him freaking out or feeling like now he had to stay or my hormones from being prego there was alway a lot of talk of breaking up. We never could actually do it so I’ll take you a few years ahead last year we moved our whole family across the country because I wanted to be closer to my mother (where we were I had no family all his family was there but not close to me at all so I was always scared if something happened I’d be alone with my children) so we move out here and I’m kinda getting tired of playing house and I feel like its time to get married he asked about a year prior after all my not so subtle hints. So there was basic lyrics a big fight because he said he wasn’t ready but I said I don’t care now or we need to be done. So he did. To the court house we went and signed the papers and that’s just about as much love there was to it. I always thought he would come around and tell me I deserved more let’s reschedule do it but I can’t tell the thought never crossed his mind. Hes kinda like there fine I did it shut up. A year after that here I am wondering what’s going on and the main reason for that is because over the last 3.5 years he has told me countless times through serious conversations or arguments that he loves me but it’s “all the way in love with me and says things like I’m try to be in love with you I’m learning” and my point is why stick around for the baby I guess he’s a good guy why move across country cause he’s a good guy why marry me just let me go then right? We always spent a lot of time together but would fight 1 time a month or 2 always over the same thing do you love me or not kinda thing I would make it easy for him I would never hurt him so I don’t understand why if I’m telling I understand if I’m not the one for you will he not let me go if he knows he’s not in love I personally feel like after almost 4 years you should no and if you don’t then clear you dont. Hes a wonderful man and I would take the hit on my heart if it mentioned him going and truly being happy with someone and I’ve told him this and he engages in the idea for a little bit but then comes to me and tells me he is in love with me then things go back to normal and again he accidentally says something like I’m trying to be in love with you and it just messes with my head what do I do do I walk away ? He even told me recently that he would rather stay for the next 10 years until the kids are old enough to understand and then move onso I’m like okay are you staying for the kids because I don’t feel like that is fair I’m playing for keeps I would like someone to be there after my kids are gone once we have our life back and it can be about us again I do not want to give someone the best years of my life and then have to try and find someone when I’m all old and Winkly I’m head over heals for him but I now feel myself pulling away because I feel I’ve worked so hard to be what he dreams of and I’m exhausted because after all this time it’s gotten me nowhereI do feel like I have been trying to earn the love of a man and it is an endless road with no reward at the endthere is many more details if any questions come up to help anyone figure this out with me