Hey JohnKnowles1, I definitely don’t mean people pleaser! I often struggle with people pleasing and don’t necessarily feel phoney because I do like helping people. It can get hard though to draw the line though between my needs and caring for others in a healthy way. I know what you mean by that feeling of phoniness in yourself though. Its like a chameleon complex!

This is very true Evan and I am not here to judge anyone, everyone has their struggles!! Lordy knows I do haha. Its that difficult balance of being kind but protecting my space as well. I guess leading by example is a good way to do it. I have a pretty heavy heart with the way the world is now a days. I don’t believe I am some martyr that is out to change the world but its hard sometimes when you see a world with so much potential and yet there is so much suffering.. yah know?

Anita, I guess by phoniness I mean certain people that are almost more concerned with… status? We are all human and it’s difficult when someone treats someone poorly because of their job or their religion or what have it. I know it shouldn’t bother me too much but it sometimes it does. Status is a concept as we are all the same underneath it all. I think I struggle a little bit with idealism. Again, I am not here to act like I know what is the best way for everyone to live (and I am definitely not perfect myself!!) but damn. Every time I turn around, people are sippin the haterade and it seems so phoney to me! It’s almost like putting somebody down to make themselves feel better is the norm. I have certain friends and various colleagues that will be nice as pie to your face until you leave the room. Then watch out. I need human connection as much as the next person but it’s hard to tell who to trust somedays with that. Even family!

The more I write the more I recognize I need to put up some better boundaries haha. That would be new to me! Based off of unhealthy relationships I had with my parents, I believe I have developed some possible co-dependent habits. Im working on figuring out who I am outside of just making other people happy. Its hard to change old habits though, thats for sure!

Thanks Anita, yes its very true. Some days are better than others for sure. It’s so easy to hate my parents for seemingly causing so much unnecessary struggle my life up to this point because they couldn’t handle their own s*&$. Pardon the french but its true. It’s like I almost have this anger inside of me and that’s the emotion that is the most hard to deal with. It makes me dislike other people because I never learned to trust people. I repeat negative cycles in all of my relationships to the point where I think people think Im crazy because I have such a guard up now. Working with my inner child and inner parent is big. But its difficult. Patience truly is a virtue. I would like to look into some counselling or therapy once the repercussions from my recent break up calm down. It sucks because I am going through that guilt phase of hurting somebody who was a good person but just had his own issues when he first met me. However he doesn’t seem to understand how important building trust is to me and he thought that if he was just nice, then things would be all good. Cutting out people is very hard, especially family. It sounds like that’s what it takes sometimes to heal from the past. Some people just don’t get it. But I do. Following your gut really does seem to be the best way to go with most cases, especially painful relationships.

Thanks you guys!! Anita, I am so hard on myself!! I wasn’t a very happy child needless to say. In a round about way, I gave up my needs to try to make my parents happy. I figured that was a good way to make them love me. I mean, who wouldn’t love the perfect child? So i tried that for a couple years. But then it started to spill into the rest of my relationships to the point where I blurred the line between properly loving myself and loving/respecting people at the same time. I didn’t even know what love and respect was I don’t think, mostly since my idea of love was giving people what they want? And then I started to grow resentful of my parents and especially my siblings. They had no problem going after what they wanted and attempting to meet their needs. Its funny because looking back now, I thought they were selfish. I still think this way and it bothers me ALOT when my younger sister puts her above all else. Her primary concern is how popular she is, not necessarily the genuineness of the relationship. Maybe thats her way of coping with the effects of our childhood, but I thought she had it easy. She had a horse, was in another expensive sport that required her to travel. I wasn’t allowed to do any sports above local rec because it interfered with my brothers other travelling hockey league. It sounds petty but this was one of the many examples where I felt like the ugly duckling in the family and it emotionally told me that I didn’t matter. My parents never gave me a ride anywhere. If I had to go to school or hockey practice, I either needed to walk or take my bike. She drove me to my stupid babysitting jobs that I had but thats because I think she thought I wouldnt go haha. We didnt have alot of money either growing up but my brother always had to have the coolest clothes for school. My mom would take me to the consignment store to buy used clothes. If i wanted new clothes, i had to get a job and make money. It was many times like these where I eventually felt so sad and so broken that I gave up. I cant pinpoint when, but I gave up up on myself because I just wass’t worth it. Or so I thought. I think it was in these moments that I can relate to your “grew in” reference.

These buried feelings caused a lot of pain for me in my last relationship. My ex thinks im selfish but when he spent so long making me feel like I wasn’t enough and he needed to be in touch with another girl on the side, the shame that that brought up was so bad i couldn’t even face it and buried it deeper. I think thats why i stayed as long as i did. maybe it was selfish to stay. but he made me feel like we could make it work and he knew he had made mistakes and he was going to be the perfect boyfriend after to make up for it. And he was the perfect boyfriend. But the shame of just once again, not being good enough, it killed me again. I wanted to love him so badly but it felt like I was betraying myself. Now he is very hurt that i left. He said i walked out on him that and that by dating him for so long, I lead him on. Maybe i did? Subconciously but not intentionally. He gave me the attention and love that Ive always wanted. But that shame never went away. My friends are confused that we broke up to because they thought that we had worked things out and that we were good together. He was a great friend but is it so wrong to want somebody that hasn’t don’t something sneaky behind my back? Does that even exist anymore? My first real boyfriend at 18 also slept with my friend while we were together. Everyone knew except me so I felt so stupid when my friend finally drunkenly admitted one night what had happened. I am a very deep and sensitive person so nobody else quite understands why I struggle the way that i do.

I seriously have no idea what love is and how to love myself. I really need to heal that inner child but all my unresolved issues from my early years are really in high gear right now. I try my hardest to heal my inner child. But it’s shame that hurts. And its buried so deep that Im afraid of not being able to ever really connect with someone. I would really like to move on from the past but the more I look back on it, the more understand why the way that I am. I need to heal and right now it seems that going back to the past and looking at moments that really hurt, its almost like looking at it at a different perspective. I read somewhere that its important in moments of hurt, that I treat my inner child in a way that I would have wanted my parents to act in that moment of pain. Give it that love that i have longed for. But i don’t even know what that is?

Thanks again for all the responses Anita 🙂 It does feel good to have somewhere to write it out. And thanks http://www.365daysofkindness.com!! I have been to your website before and love the suggestions 🙂

You’re Anita, yes healing is the key. I like how you used the term “grew in”. I have often felt emotionally stuck in the past so growing up isn’t always the most appropriate term. It feels as though I was emotionally stunted at one point? I don’t often look at pictures of my past because I can see that sadness in my eyes. During some research, I came upon a healing technique in which you carry around a picture of your childhood self. Often times growing up with dysfunctional support, children like ourselves didn’t get the validation and support that we deserved and so badly needed. So every time I experience a moment in life that I can feel my inner child in pain, I need to be there for that inner child and look at the picture and remember that i matter and deserve love as well! “I matter” has become a common mantra that I use. I used to drink a lot to numb the pain (addiction runs rampant in my family so that is another biological struggle that some self awareness has brought to light) but have worked on healthier habits such as yoga and meditation. I have worked hard on myself this past year but it hasn’t dissolved that “negativity bag of garbage” I was talking about.
It really is time and patience I suppose. I feel like i have so many answers but so much difficulty manifesting them?? My inner strength is there, showing its face in brief moments of time. But my weak ego overrides all. Inferiority complex again maybe. It’s almost paranoia!!Are you close with your parents now? It’s like this subconscious shame that I carry around in the pit of my belly all the time. Shame and unworthiness are my most prominent emotions. I have become very interested in spirituality and the universe as well. I love talking about that stuff to people but I find a lot of people more interested in practical matters and whats the most popular thing going on right now. I have found that as I continue to grow, I LOVE genuineness and it’s something that I often find myself looking for more and more each day. I don’t care what job you have, what car you drive, what you look like. If you are a genuine person, I dig that. If you have a different perspective and are willing to share space with my perspective, I love that so much. I love dogs too, they are my kindred spritits : ) I can make any dog putty in my hands hah I feel like my dream job would be to work at an animal sanctuary or a shelter. Even helping other people like me. Ive always loved the John Lennon quote where it is important to look for the helpers, always look for the helpers. With sensitive souls like ourselves, it’s so easy to get caught up in the negativity of everything. But there are always people helping. Like you Anita! I very much appreciate your perspective on this thread.

Thanks Anita! When I said my mom did her best, maybe your right, maybe she didn’t. For EX.(this has a lot to do with her meanness and this is just one of many examples..) I was never overweight but I always had a little bit of extra LBS because I was an emotional eater, food and books felt like the only thing I had and they made me feel good. My brother and sister started calling me a man and an elephant. And then if I did something to make her mad, she would start calling me an elephant too. But then she would say that it wasn’t because I was fat, but because I would walk around heavy-footed. Like WTF is that?? I needed a mother, not another person in my life to make me feel like there was something wrong with me. She knew how sensitive I was to this stuff and it felt vindictive. I felt there must be truth to it or else she wouldn’t be saying it. THis also helped me develop what I think is an inferiority complex and just never feeling good enough for anybody, even to this day. I prayed every day that may parents would just divorce already.. As said up above, it took them until I was 18 to finally do it. My dad had gone on a few drug binges and overdosed on coke when I was seventeen, he’s 6’1 and was less than 100 pounds. However he lied to everyone about it and said he got ticks in a hotel when he was working out of town….. it was really bizarre. He eventually went to the doctor because health wise, things were pretty bad. THe doctor called my mom, it was def coke. She stayed with him for another year and then one time I came home from work, and my mom was bawling on the phone to my uncle. I guess our washer btoke and she went to go use the credit card however that lead her finding out that all the savings(including education funds for us kids), RRSP’s and all the credit’s were maxed out and drained. That was it for them. I also recently did that math that what would be my parents anniversary is 7 months before my bro’s birthday. Hmmm, made me wonder. I asked my dad about it and he said that it was pretty much a shot gun wedding and he wasn’t sure if he was ever really in love with my mom. They stayed together but hated each other. Because I never saw what a healthy, loving relationship was, I really seem to struggle developing my own.

She is from another country with no family here and my dad threatened her with taking away us kids if she ever left him. We are some what close now but it’s still not a lot of emotional support, more physical support. I have always just chalked it up the the language of love thing? It sounded like her parents had a pretty strict household too.(I can’t tell if Im making up excuses or just trying to understand?) I don’t even know anymore and my brain is literally tired of trying to make sense of it. However, I know I need to resolve a lot of issues first before I can have a fulfilling relationship with anybody.

For the record, I did break things off with the BF. He was really mad and called me a lot of names and said I was the most selfish person he has ever met. Which I always thought I had the opposite problem, i was never selfish enough. he always used to tell me that all of his Ex-GF’s have cheated on him and I never even did ever. I never even thought of it. That actually really cut me to my core. And he said all I do is sit around and feel sorry for myself. I tried to explain to him that I am not feeling sorry for myself, but for the first time, am trying to work out and resolve some complex issues. You don’t know what you don’t know about yourself and I oftened wondered if my brain chemicals were a little out of wack due to suffering from depression during my growth years. I never used him for money, I always made sure that he felt that I cared about him and not what was in his wallet. i was looking for true love and I really thought I had it. I really thought I loved him but I guess it wasnt enough for him. The first few years of us being together, I really put my self out there for the first time because there was something about him that I just trusted. And then after moving in with him, is when i found everything out about the deciet. I had changed my life to be with him and then i found out everything after. EX. It was only a message but with my inferiority issues, it killed me. I found a bunch of messages from his ex about how when he was with me, he would wish that I was her (cue inferiority complex). Various forms of deceit carried on for a few years until something happened inside me where it was like I emotionally shut down too him. Have you ever heard of the INFJ door slam? Is it real? I don’t know. But it is the closest description I have to how I felt. I decided that he wasn’t going to hurt me anymore and that was the moment I was unable to be vulnerable with him anymore. It was a really weird feeling that washed over me. I put up my armor and my brain wasnt letting me take it down. I felt the same thing with my dad as a child. I wonder if he never bonded with me, apparently he went on a huge drug binge when I was two weeks old and my mom didnt even know if he was coming back.

Sorry that was a long one but holy moly it feels so good to put all of this out in the universe and out my heart and head.Have you ever taken the MBTI test? After taking the test several time, I keep getting the INFJ hence the Door Slam analogy above. The INFJ loves harmony and meaningful connections. Not being able to meet my own needs made me subconciously hate my self so much. I dont like putting too much weight on one thing, but having an INFJ personality helped me understand more about myself that I ever did. I am also an HSP which doesnt help…

How did you cope and move on with all this? I want to move on from the past and feel fulfilled in my life because I know it has so much potentional!! I am definitley growing every day but sometimes, when you get that hopeless feeling deep in your gut, it’s like you get a little stuck :s Did you also grow up in a dysfunctional family?

Thanks again!!