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NatieParticipantHowever I actually took mos if the advices you shared with me earlier and i used the guilt to get rid if some of the unpleasant habits. Im trying to change things maybe slowly but surely and part if me us honestly thankful for the bad experience i believe it was necessary to make me be better version (even though i low key wish it couldâve been done in a less ugly way. But its what it is)
NatieParticipantHi anita,
thank you for the kind welcome. Always good to hear from you.
yeah i guess you guys are right this could hatm i see where you are coming from.
actually i wish im deriving pleasure from guilt at least i wouldnât be exhausted and mentally drained as i am now. I think its more of a state if disbelife of oneâs actions at one point in time and it comes in waves. But thank you for the advice
NatieParticipantDear Anita,
Its ok i guess part of the consequences of my behaviour.
no i didnt do any of that to him. But i see myself as a monster because im ashamed of how I treated him after this affair as I mentioned to you in my earlier posts (i.e screaming at him, not accepting him, etc)
NatieParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for the detailed response. so for the first part, the abuse part, sure- in short for the 60-90 days period that i got to know that person, it was hitting me, tracking down my activities, comparing me with others, threatening to hurt sister, threatening to burn my house, exhibiting drunken behavior almost all the time, accusing me of things, calling me names, etc. dont know why i even stayed a day longer, part of me enjoyed saving that person ( which i failed tremendously at), part of me just did.
as for the second part the shadow self – i didnt know about this specific detailed defenition which i think i need to sit down and reflect on it, i think i need to recall what did i exhibit that related to what happened recently cause i cant remember anything apart of me always being anxious or a bit frustrated/stubborn like anyone else ( nothing extreme).
best
NatieParticipantHi Anita,
yes thats is correct because i never exhibited such traits during the first 2.5 years or anytime in my life prior to the abusive affair that took place. I became a monster after that and i guess I unleashed a side of me i never knew it existed which scared me and still scares me. Which is why im in constant disbelief of what happened. Anyway i guess its a shadow self i have to deal with
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NatieParticipantHi Anita,
thank you for your reply. i never saw myslef as a good person. in fact i asked multiple times if im narcissistic or manipulative and you addressing all of that is correct. im not trying to convince readers or anything, im just trying to use this space to write down my thoughts as confusing as they are. and its that confusing im torn apart between what bothered me and what didnt, what i did do and what i didnt. but i thank you for addressing all of this. wishing him a healthier life and hoping for a better version of me.
thanks
NatieParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you for your response. Actually what you wrote helped  me alot during these months and i keep getting back to it ( thats what sustained me during the past 5 months or so), Yet sometimes i just feel like im back to point zero.
thats whatâs bothering the fact that it looked like i looked down on him which was not me which was jot true during the first 2.5 years i didnt care and i still dont care as much as the fact that he was very reliable on me and how i acted the last year or 6 months prior to the end of the relationship.
actually i thought about the job part. But no, now i have a stable thriving career and its been almost 11 months so it feels stable. My regret stems from what Iâm seeing other people are going through and it just hits me that maybe im the one who deserves there pain because i hurt someone who is good. The thing is i dont know if good is the word anymore sometimes i feel maybe he just put a show to please me not to lose me and maybe if he showed me his real personality i would have cut it short from the strat.i hope i make sense. If not, im just venting
thanks
NatieParticipantThank you very much
NatieParticipantDear Anita sure thing. I have just commented on it to top it as a thread its called âex wants another tryâ i hope youa re able to see it now
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NatieParticipantThis one Anita. Thanks
NatieParticipantDearest Anita,
out of curiosity, when do you believe its suitable to give someone a second chance, if any?
NatieParticipantDear Anita,
I dont know how you do it but you manage to bring some sense of clarity to me! Thank you.
As for the last point, It is very tempting honestly, it tore me apart. Him saying that sparked something me like maybe he did change and finally gets me and maybe we can start correctly this time especially because such a kind and loving soul. But to be honest for the first time ever im resisting this temptation even if it scares me because for the first time ever this dynamic of him finally showing signs of change and how he can get me for real this time does not add up, i longed for a connection from the start but to have that connection after several years and to start all over again seems like it could lack the genuine/nature feel it should have even if he is really genuine in his understanding me after all this time. I know he means well and i see all his efforts and despite how tempting that is ,despite that it feels like im losing a really great person who loved me wholeheartedly , something just seems off about the fact of starting all over again but this time i am being seen. i hope it makes sense
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 