Hello, it’s Nanda’s roommate and friend talking here, he borrowed my pc to access this website about a month ago. I have a sad news, he passed away two days ago, after visited his hometown. He always told me about his struggles with his depression and his family, and I rode him to his therapist once. I really surprised that his depression literally took away his life. I know that I’m using his account without his authority, I just wanna tell everyone who gave him advice that he’s in peace now.

I took some of my time since I started this post to do self reflection of what happened to me in the past that affects myself right now in the present.

There’s 4 things that I’ve noticed so far:

First, I never allowed to play outside with my friends, if I do, my older brother will find me and kicking my butt (literally) in front of my friends and neighbors. The results in the present time, if I still at home, I never go out to socialize with people, but the opposite happens when I’m living on my own place, I rarely stay on my room.

Second things I’ve noticed, when I was in middle school, if I asked buying some stuff I NEED for school, my mom scolded me, “where’s the money I’ve gave you everyday? You’re such an irresponsible son I ever had blah blah blah…” (for notice, she only gave me about 2 USD/day without lunch). And when I asked for something I really want, my mom didn’t say anything, instead my older brother came to me like a rabid dog. In the present time, I never tell everyone about my conditions, what I really need, my wants, until they know it by themselves or it’s emergency. I like to do it by myself without everybody else know.

The next one, when I went to some competitions, or just gathering together with friends, big family, or other people, (in this case, my mom or my brother is around) if I failed the competition or embarrassed myself (even though I didn’t feel it, I’m just a kid), my mom gave me a dissapointment gesture, went away, and later told me about how dissapointed she was and told me how bad I am, or just laughed and mocked my act in bad way. My brother, he suddenly pulled me away from the crowd, and even brought me home if possible, lefts some swear words, then went away. I noticed that it affects my ability to take challenges, opportunities, and chances to grow better. The sounds echoing through my head when I start, “you’re not welcome here”, “you can’t do it “, “they always judge you badly”, “you’re unworthy”, ar else, so until now, I was not evolved too much.

Last but not least, when someone in my family asked me to do stuff I never done before, I have to do it like a professional, or else they’ll call me some bad names. For example, my mom asked me to pull the weeds in the backyard, I asked her how, she only answered “don’t be stupid, do it by yourself” ( I was 6 at that time), so I just pulled everything that I can pull, and some of them are hard to pulled by 6 year old kid, I was exhausted, and laid at halfway when my aunt and mom walks in. My aunt yelled at me, said that I was irresponsible and “unprofessional” I am, yeah, she said that. I told her the reason why, but she really mad about it, yelled at me to not talk rudely and twisted my ears and mouth, then went away after talked to my mom to scold me. Yes, my mom just watched me cried on the ground without comforting me. The thing I learned after this, unfortunately, is I have to do things perfectly with no flaws and act like a pro, or at least pretending (that I couldn’t be), finding perfect timing to do things even just a really small task (that I never find), and take more spare time nonsensically before doing things (that just wasting my time). In conclusion, they gave me abilities to be perfectionist and procrastinator, sadly.

Self reflection and self awareness already gave me the facts behind what happened to me right now, the ability to feel when the urge arise, and look and feel everything objectively what they are. Thanks for the responses from my first post, it really helps me out of this problem, and thanks for people in here of being supportive of me 🙂

Hi Michelle ,thank you so much for reading my story, I really appreciate that 🙂

Now I started to be a little more social by having gathering with some old friends and others, with a risk of being mortified with no reason because of my anxiety I have, but I have to start making good changes by taking the risks, Right?

And about my college, in my university, once I lose the scholarship, I should pay the highest fee for a year before asking for lowering it, and in my country, we don’t have student loans system, so I can’t afford it.

Thanks

Thank you so much for all the responses, I can’t believe someone would read my terrible story. Thank you.

About moving out, I’ve already planned it. I even have plans to move to other countries. But now I have to cope with my depression, since I have no money, I can’t afford therapist no longer, and I still looking for job. Thanks for all the supports 🙂