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NairobiParticipantDear Katie,
For me (and I believe for you too), the point should not be whether your nose is too big or whether your cousin is right, maybe not even whether her comments come from jealousy or from a better place, the point should be that they are not helpful. They make you feel worse about yourself and they confuse you. You mentioned that “deep down I feel like my cousin doesn’t have issues. I feel like she is just stating her opinion!”. Please sit and re evaluate what stating one’s opinions really is. Do you honestly think it’s right for your cousin to continuously state her harmful opinions when clearly it’s affecting you? Wherever they come from, the fact is, they are not helping you at all. Why put yourself through them then? It sounds to me like she’s not interested in being helpful… Someone with a tiny bit of sensitivity can sense when they’re being pushy or rude or making someone else feel uncomfortable. To be honest, it’s pretty basic, common sense. However, your cousin can fix her own issues, but it’s up to you to stand up for yourself and set some much needed boundaries in this relationship.
NairobiParticipantDear Katie,
Why ever would you be scared to tell someone who is hurting you to stop? Telling your cousing to stop hurting you does not necessarily mean the end of your relationship (unless you want it to). As many of the comments above say, this is not about you, your body or your insecurities; this is about your cousing and her own issues, which she has apparently decided to extrapolate to you.
The way I see it, it is necessary for you to have this conversation. It’s not simply okay to “let it go”, because this has been an issue that has lasted too long to be ignored. I don’t know how old you are, but life gets to a point, where you realise that you do come first. That your feelings are what should matter to you and what you should be protecting. Continuing to let your cousin bully you is neither good for you, nor her, and honestly, she needs to hear that. I do not think that you should feel bad about sitting down with your cousin and telling her you’re no longer confortable with her comments. If her reaction scares you, then that’s yet another sign that whatever relationship you have with her is indeed toxic.
Life is hard Katie, it gets harder and harder. Why force yourself to be surrounded by people who make it even worse?
NairobiParticipantHi Peggy,
I guess when you’re in a difficult situtation or not feeling your best, it’s always easier to wallow in self pity and think about how miserable one is. You’re absolutely right, and I wish I was more prone to see the good things in my life. I have achieved so much this year, but because I’m such a perfectionist, and sometimes too hard on myself, I’m rarely able to see the good things.
I’m seriously considering your suggestion to take up yoga, tai chi or any other form of meditation. I genuinely think that the important step for me is to be able to avoid letting myself go into “panic mode”, because once I get there I can’t seem to be able to get myself out.
Thank you for your comment and your kinds words, they have helped a lot.
NairobiParticipantHi Jade,
Thank you for your reply, it does help. I feel like sometimes it’s just good to get stuff off your chest and know there’s other people with similar struggles. I completely understand what you mean about having a job that is lonely, demanding and a lot of pressure. I started this new job hoping it would be exciting and once again, I’m disappointed. It’s also a lonely job, which means I have a lot of time to think about my circumstances and do things like post online about how miserable I am… I guess one of my biggest fears is that I’ll become so disappointed with work life that I’ll no longer be able to find a job that is interesting or inspiring. I honestly can’t imagine +40 years of such boredom and lack of stimulation.
Anyways, I’m hoping after I take some time off for the summer holidays things will make a bit more sense. I guess we both have a lot of things to figure out… I hope things work out for you too!
NairobiParticipantHi Valora,
Thank you for your words. I am aware that this situation is the result of his actions, and that it’s not essentially my fault. I’m conflicted because I may be happy in my new relationship, but he’s still very much present. It also scares me that, as much as I want him to move forward, I don’t know what it’ll be like for me when he does… Knowing he regrets his decision was something I thought would be good for me (emotionally speaking), because it had been very difficult for me to accept that someone who i know loved me so much and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, could break things off so suddenly. For the months that I was grieving I blamed him and this helped me reaffirm myself. But his change of heart has taken that away from me, if that makes any sense. Previously, I could rationalize that this was the result of his actions, and that I didn’t want it to happen, but now it has been me that has had to deny us of a future together by refusing to get back together and I don’t feel the right to blame him anymore, only to feel sorry he is suffering because of me.
February 7, 2019 at 4:25 am in reply to: Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up #279123NairobiParticipantHi Shelbyville,
My boyfriend broke up with me a few months ago after six years of being together under very similar circumstances. We both loved each other very much, but things were not moving forward. I just wanted to let you know, things do get better. Not over night, but every week you cry a little less, and eventually, although it may seem impossible now, you’ll suddenly realise it’s been a whole day without crying, and then a whole week. It’ll still feel awful every now and then, even if quite some time has passed. Don’t be afraid of asking too much of your loved ones, you’re going to need them to be able to move forward.
I hope you’re better and you believe me when I say, no one dies of love.
Best of luck
NairobiParticipantI understand that, and I know that he is not acting they way he should at the moment. He is not communicating with me -essentially ghosting me- and he is not treating me with the respect I deserve after all these years. I know he is afraid and he would rather just leave and not have this conversation if that means avoiding conflict, but if he is going to end a 6 year old relationship then I think we deserve to have a face to face last conversation. We have been through so much, all this waiting for a future where we could be together, and now he’s giving up.
I’m so angry that he is not being brave enough to deal with this the way he should. Even now, when I’m the one who had all these doubts, I’m willing to fight to make it work and he is just giving up.
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