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PhilParticipant
Both. I felt like: Oh no time goes so fast and felt like I couldnt keep up with its speed. The big delusion was my interpretation of it: Resisting time felt like “I” couldnt exist in “time” anymore, and therefore I interpreted the day where I heavily resisted time and where there was a huge inner conflict of “ok who is it that exists in this concept of time?”, as the one where I was “supposed to die”. Since that day Ive described my issue with interpretations like: “Help, feeling my oldself died” or “feeling like I outsmarted time” etc… Ive been massively focused on the date since that day (was actually the 1st August).
May 14, 2018 at 4:05 pm in reply to: Egodeath in pre-adult mental illness sufferer or just the mind tricking itself a #207377PhilParticipantBut how to regain a healthy ego when it is constantly deconstructed by delusional beliefs?
May 14, 2018 at 3:47 am in reply to: Egodeath in pre-adult mental illness sufferer or just the mind tricking itself a #207181PhilParticipantLetting go of thoughts, the need of understanding what was happening, the need to know everything. Particularly the letting go of the last thing made me feel relieved during my anxiety days.
Now I am afraid to let go of all of this, feeling like I am losing “me”.
Thank you for your kind words!
- This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Phil.
May 14, 2018 at 3:13 am in reply to: Egodeath in pre-adult mental illness sufferer or just the mind tricking itself a #207173PhilParticipantDear anita,
thanks for your answer. As you have seen, I have a dark part in me which has kind of a deathwish because of destructive beliefs Ive built and reality grown around them. I believe that I cant exist anymore. Then the other me believes that this part is delusional.
Letting go of this dark part feels like letting go your dog (actually feels like smth of more importance), but you want to know what happens to him. It is this feeling of losing something, and just a tiny look after it causes your perspective to turn 180°…
And feeling like he jumps off a cliff, but I need to know what happens because it feels like it is a part of me, so I have to jump after to look for him.
And then there is this giant pack of uncertainty, this urge to know where this dog is, how he feels, why I didnt follow him and that not following him was probably wrong.
And then looking into the future it feels like I wont be able to handle it without the whole package of the second me, his views etc..
Then the feeling of guilt not having seen after it, the feeling of craziness continuing without it…
Ive had this letting go feeling too with anxiety. But now it feels like I let “me” go. Complete other dimension.
What’s the bad thing that would happen if I did that, letting go?
A life pondering where this part of me has gone.
A feeling that I just believe that I am not it in order to make me feel better. I havent realized that consciousness, my higher self is somehow more “me” than this second me.
That my higher self is somehow more worth listening to than this part.
A feeling of ignorance towards my mind (keep in mind, that this “second I” has been fuelled, built for 8 months now, it is really strong).
May 12, 2018 at 8:30 am in reply to: Egodeath in pre-adult mental illness sufferer or just the mind tricking itself a #207003PhilParticipantAlright, I am sorry for that. I have posted here at the end of last year. I talked about that I feel “like I am not supposed to experience 2018” and that I felt trapped in the concept of time.
In August last year I felt like something in me was slowly dying (it felt like I outsmarted something), feeling like “I” couldnt exist anymore. The last few days I was ruminating about that. Something changed in me the past months. I realized that I can only live if I just live in the moment and ignore any bad patterns, any IDENTIFICATION WITH MIND AND “I” IN MY MIND (I dont know how to explain it, the I, the one I think I am) CAUSED SUICIDAL FEELINGS.
At the moment I am in a critical place again. It is that a part of me cant live anymore and I tend to identify with that. Dont question why there are these patterns, I dont know. They arose first when I suffered from Depression after Depersonalization (it is a phenomenon where you feel disconnected from your body) which I suffered for around 6 months. These patterns make me believe that there is no way I can live anymore and when they are there it is really hard to push through as there is not really a healthy picture of myself in my mind anymore. When the feelings and the thoughts are there, I am confused and I dont know what I really want. This very, very dark part of me has been created over the last few months. It happened over one week in August, when I thought about “time is crazy” and that I somehow cant exist in this “concept of time”. It felt like: Ok my mind says that I cant live in “time” anymore, lets just dive in then and see if it is right.
When I am in a critical place like that, fully in my mind, dont know if I should still live, my eyes turn red, I look drained and tired and feel incredible suffering. Sometimes I feel like, yes I am a lost case, with fucking 18 years, youll never get out of that, because you always look back to that day when your mind declared “time” to be something strange. Then when I recall these feelings I felt that week in August, I feel like “how the fuck are you still alive” and that I am not supposed to be alive anymore. I dont know how to describe these feelings. It doesnt work in my mind anymore. “I” cant rationally exist anymore. Everything about “me” is triggering feelings of death. My ID, my future, everything, its an absolute mind-death of “I”. IT IS HORRIBLE.
Then there is the rather peaceful part of me, who wants to live but that knows that the dark part (which feels equally valid), cant live anymore, which creates a conflict inside me. Do I want to live? Can I continue to live? Who am I?
Since that week, time (the date especially) is triggering these feelings and thoughts of “do I really exist?” and then it feels like I am not supposed to be alive anymore. And I know this is strange, if anyone asks if this is psychotic or so, no, I am aware that this is strange.
I have read many things about spirituality, never fully practised it, but I didnt know how to explain my psychological issues. So I looked into spirituality, and “the dark night of the soul” matched perfectly with what I am going through.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Phil.
December 2, 2017 at 12:09 am in reply to: Please, please something is very wrong with my mind! #180289PhilParticipantThank you for the responses. I just feel like something is broken in my mind. I feel like my mind cant deal with that it is already December and puts me in a horrendous state of thoughts and feelings. In general, this time thing really messes with my mind. Like when I look at the date, it just feels not right that there is a 12. It sounds a bit hilarious but my time perception is so messed up. It feels like I am already dead. I experience these thoughts way differently than DP anxiety. And now I am already so frightened what my mind will spit at me when there is a “2018” on the calendar. I dont know…something is just so off-balance.
- This reply was modified 7 years ago by Phil.
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