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Phil

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  • May 24, 2018 at 1:56 pm #209267
    Phil
    Participant

    Yes. My processing of information is really lacking, I feel overall that I became a dumb person. I am sorry anita and thank you.

    May 24, 2018 at 1:14 pm #209249
    Phil
    Participant

    What I forgot to mention is that since that issue, Ive been feeling like I am held back by something and feel legitimately like I am standing at one point and dont evolve but always fall back to square one moving in circles. It feels like I cant break off the trammels of this belief. And since that day Ive always faced the same kind of feelings and suffering.

    It is like I missed something and cant continue because of that, this feeling is very legit, like I cant even let go of anything anymore and stay in one state of mind I cant get out of.

     

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Phil.
    May 24, 2018 at 11:22 am #209231
    Phil
    Participant

    Unfortunately it is very hard to believe that I am normal, or that there is not something wrong. I cant let go of these beliefs, maybe I just experience something unknown, spiritual, supernatural, maybe there is something irreversibly wrong? I dont know how to get back grounded and with every day passing by this belief gets fuelled.

    May 24, 2018 at 6:43 am #209121
    Phil
    Participant

    Dear anita. Thank you for your words.

    Obviously I can tell that I exist; if I didn’t, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. And yet when this belief surfaces, it causes an incredible dissonance, because it is so out of step with what is actually happening.

    So what do you suggest? I am really deeply trapped in this belief.

    May 23, 2018 at 3:17 pm #209033
    Phil
    Participant

    Consciousness – I’d say there are different levels of consciousness. It describes to what extent you are aware in the present moment, rather you live on a high consciousness level, meaning you are well aware of your thoughts and are able to stay in your space of awareness, observant.

    Or deeply unconscious, for that, there are different aspects “controlling” it, is there a specific view/belief you are holding that makes you unconscious, if yes, you have to identify it in order to let it go and to rise to a higher consciousness.

    If there is something wrong with your beliefs that interfere with your consciousness, I think it is not likey to get to a higher state of consciousness without building the base by resolving the mess underneath.

    May 23, 2018 at 2:49 pm #209021
    Phil
    Participant

    I cant really say much more. Whatever might happen to me, if this is experience of “no-self”, it is not pleasant and I want to return to my “normal self”, firstly. But that seems like not very possible.

    The only thing I have to know is that I am really HERE and NORMAL, I need to know if I have still the connection to normality in order to let go. If I dont have this fundamental base “of feeling right”, the belief will always counter every approach to heal the thoughts occuring above it. It might heal the thoughts, but not really the root of it, dont you think so too?

    The feelings are the symptoms of the delusional belief, the thoughts the interpretation of the feelings.
    Do you really think we are our brain producing thoughts or this body? Or just aware of this brain producing thoughts and body? I do believe we are consciousness having a human experience and you said it is very likely that I experience(d) this.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Phil.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Phil.
    May 23, 2018 at 10:46 am #209003
    Phil
    Participant

    I feel like I cant return to my human vessel.

    May 23, 2018 at 10:37 am #208993
    Phil
    Participant

    Yes. I am not ready. I fear that this experience hurt me in the longterm because I really feel like I dont fit in this world anymore.

    Pleade re-read it tomrrow morning.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Phil.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Phil.
    May 23, 2018 at 10:08 am #208987
    Phil
    Participant

    Like breathing: focusing on breathing feels like, who is it whose breath you are focusing on? And again: “You cant logically exist anymore.” or a feeling like: “how is it possible that you are still here?”

    May 23, 2018 at 9:54 am #208985
    Phil
    Participant

    I adapted to it in developping a rational part where I felt better and fought against the irrationalty of the dark part who believed I was “time dead” (lol). But the darker part was always winning, because Ive been depressed and tend to go in the dark part intentionally. I became lazy, not ambitious, lifeless, had no goals, because I believed my life was over because of that issue.

    May 23, 2018 at 9:49 am #208981
    Phil
    Participant

    Yes. This experience of being dead is very valid, not physically dead, just the idea of “me”, somehow?

    Question 1: It may be just a delusion. But believing I broke out of time makes me feel like I lost connection to my old Self and “normal human life”. I resisted the passage of time and still do it based on the belief, I do it unconsciously, I suffer. The difference is, I feel like time is something real, I feel like the more time passes, the bigger gets the gap between normal human life (oldself) and life “out of time”. The bigger gets the gap, the worse is the suffering. I literally start being afraid just seeing a future date on the calendar.

    I feel like I lost connection to my human self and no matter what I do, nothing will help it, because you cant change it, you cant go back in the past, I feel like I lost genuinely connection to the present moment, because I start asking: Who is in the present moment? “I” cant logically exist anymore, do I exist? Then the suffering begins, because I feel like I cant even escape in the present moment.

    May 23, 2018 at 3:05 am #208909
    Phil
    Participant

    Want to add: I built one part of identity, the “dark part”, who believed in this “lost in time” theory, I adapted my life to this belief, whereas there was still a rational part in me. This created an identity conflict.

    May 22, 2018 at 3:01 pm #208847
    Phil
    Participant

    And thank you for your patience!

    May 22, 2018 at 3:01 pm #208845
    Phil
    Participant

    If I had this feeling that Ive been constantly, a “constant being” in time, I could continue. But it feels like there was a “cut” in August where I might have broken out of time.

    May 22, 2018 at 1:59 pm #208835
    Phil
    Participant

    When I was going for a run I felt like, I am not existing anyways in a “whole”, so I had a complete blockade and training wasnt doing anything. I just couldnt explain what happened. I’ve had a complete blockade in all of my healing methods, so that everything felt useless, until I felt like hm maybe you were really supposed to die? I felt like I just outsmarted psychological time.

    Ok, I hope that makes sense, and even if, how the hell did this create such a big confict? I mean lifes been truly HELL with that belief, I couldnt/cant do anything, not even meditation because I thought it’s been “after my death day”. It felt like something was basically wrong with me, so that I felt nothing would work anymore for healing because of this strange time/existence issue.

    So lets consider this: I felt like I wasnt normal which was formed as a basic belief after this day: that I am a not normal functioning human being anymore. Of course this belief leads to a non-functioning of healing methods, especially when this belief so deeply embedded. But it feels so real!

    Of course you may ask: But you are still here Phil?!

    Yes, but losing touch with time made me feel like I crossed the treshold to supernaturality, that we are not just human beings, but consciousness in human “vessels”. Time is an illusion, and I keep fighting an illusion, of course I kind of feel insane.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Phil.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Phil.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Phil.
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