Thank you for replaying teak, i should say that i needed validation to know that im not those things, but i thought about it and validate myself

In one brief moment you showed an openness to learn more about healing

Not really, i just asked to be sure that its a lost case, because i knew long time ago that this is the cure and its unreachable for me

But very soon you abandoned the idea,

I will quote you here “its nearly impossible to heal without having the things you missed in your childhood” thus i abandoned the idea, cause its “nearly impossible” to get that in here, and for me

When I mentioned quality online resources for free, e.g. videos of world-known expert in healing of trauma and addiction (dr. Gabor Mate), you stopped responding.

Because i already know that this is just a waste of time, i already read books and watched videos, and did “healing” by myself, as you said, i need the things i missed in my childhood to heal, and those things requires another person

I also offered my help (which is of limited capacity, but still) here on the forum – if you were willing to share a bit more about your childhood. You never took the chance.

Your help is to “give explanation to why this is happened, and tell me what to do right now to make it better” while i appreciate your help, this doesn’t do much, i already know why i have all this, knowing won’t change a thing, and all the things you said, i was aware of them, i thought about my life for a long time before i make my decision, its bit silly “no offense” to someone to think about it for a few minutes and tells me about it, don’t you think?

All this told me that you’re not really interested in helping yourself get out of your present state

While its undertandable to think this way, but please don’t judge it from there only, i love myself, and im welling to do anything for it, just not the things you say or people say that “might” help, no i figure out my own life and the things that helps me, there isn’t any objective way to help people, there isn’t any objective way to live life, everybody should live according to his hands that he dealt

Basically, it means your protective part is very strong and you’re almost completely identified with it

No, I am the protective part, if you ever listened to the song i mentioned, you would understand

so the smidge of interest you’ve shown in therapy and healing was immediately squashed by it

I only asked you about therapy to validate myself, validate that its a lost case, and i was right

that you might consider her argument if she gives you a good one

If i remember correctly, i said that i might accept her argument, not consider it, i also mentioned this in last few replaies, and im gonna say this again, if you give a good argument, i might accept it, acknowledge the fact that you are right, “just like when you mentioned that therapy needs other people and that i need the things i missed in my childhood” i accepted this, acknowledge it as the right solution

Which is not really true because there is no argument that can convince you to change your mind

Just to be clear, im gonna repeat this point, yes there is no argument that will change me, but if you make a good argument i will accept it, i will have to, if it is true and logical

when it suits you, you use science as a proof that you’re right, and in the very next breath you say you don’t trust science. That’s how you can dismiss any argument you don’t like,

Didn’t i accepted that therapy requires other people? That us human beings need other people? And that the healing requires exactly that? Those all based on science, i only dismiss things that seem suspicious, for example you mentioned that there is plenty of evidence that there is freewill, but science never said there is one, there is plenty of evidence there is no freewill either, and what I’ve heard and saw, people only dismiss this argument because of the moral issues it brings, not because of science, no one wants to live in a world of chaos, i do trust science, not all of it, that would be stupid, and i sometimes make my own observations and ideas, because i respect my mind more then any “science”, science nowdays is very controlled by the masses

So perhaps at the very end you were a little manipulative with anita

Im not perfect, and if i ever did that it wasn’t consciously, and i didn’t manipulated her, i just manipulated the truth, its more like i fooled myself, if she said that i was dishonest with myself, i might accept that

you might consider it and even change

Thats a pure Strawman, i never said that i will change or consider it, but acknowledge that she is right and im wrong, there is a big difference

You didn’t give her the reason to hope that you would change, but she still did hope

I had a very strong opinion about my life and the things i want to do, and i never discussed them to change them, only to see what other opinions are there, “to see not to consider or change”

I am sorry you’re unreachable at the moment.

You don’t understand, i will always be like this, until death comes, im determined, thats why i wanna do it

and that you will have the chance to live from your true self

Its funny because there is no true self, there is no self, only the illusion, and science does say that, but most people does reject that because of the strong feeling of the illusion, but don’t take my word for it, wait for science unitl it confirms it (p.s he will never do that, because people won’t like it)

Though i think you mean the self i was given by my past and environment, i will never let it live for a few reasons, A. It like saddnes and being a victim, B. Very insecure, C. Very needy, and as you said those requires therapy to heal, well too bad, im not a fool, i won’t accept such self for a temporary reward, a possible reward, and i won’t accept it as long as im alive, because it conflicts with my goals, which im very determined to make it true, i will never change or let anyone or anything stops me from pursuing this goal, no feelings, no values, no people will ever change that goal

It went from 100 to 1 pretty fast, i think that if you loved me before and what i said back there made the love go away, and it turned to hate, then you didn’t love me really, you didn’t even know me, im not saying that you are wrong,  i may possess some of the quality you mentioned, im actually surprised by your response, how did i not see that coming? I always expect the worse, but this i didn’t expect, anyhow this is my last post here, to respect your decision of not commenting with me

I will be answering peter posts right after, i was lazy to carry two conversations, take care anita, i still like you as much as the first time i talked to you, and there is nothing that you can say that will change this liking

 I think that you and I should leave behind all the issues that are 100% resolved in your mind, and no longer discuss them

Yes i agree, i really don’t know why we discuss them in the first place, in my first post, i didn’t even thought that anyone will answer, and i chooseed a section that you don’t regularly go in, my thoughts was “to make a good argument why this is a good idea” and just let the other party accept this argument, now i came to believe that some people won’t accept any logical argument if it touches some taboos, such as death, which i call them norimes, to not waste either party time, i was sleepy at that time, and made the post recklessly, i imagined that people will be shocked by my logic and argument

Although i did come to a good ending with teak, she silently accepted that its a lost case, which kinda made me glad, i like having arguments honestly, they are the only things that makes me change my mind, if you right now made a good argument to why i should live, and made a very sound argument to why im wrong, i might need to process how on earth i got it wrong, but i think i will accept your argument, im just saying, im honestly bit tired of talking about this, and i imagine you are too, especially with the heat

I hope you are having a good evening, since it seems this is kinda the end of this conversation, feel free to ask me anything, i also want you to listen to a song i think you might like, (Michael Kiwanuke – Final days),i think you can also relate to it

if someone who is financially capable sends you money

Even if someone somehow agrees to do that, i won’t accept it, i won’t respect myself

I am guessing that the financially capable person (or persons) will need to send your younger sister a ticket too

Can we get back to reality, lol

Your intention with me was to get a bit of attention and affection.

At first yes, but not anymore, if you ask me to stop, i would do it right in this post, that our conversation is one sided

but my attention, affection and love really make no difference in your life,

Though it does lessen the suffering, did knowing me make a difference in your life? Did knowing anyone in your life made that effect? Maybe its just me, but i do appreciate our conversation, i like it, but don’t expect a miracle to happen, the facts didn’t change when i knew you, and i don’t think they will ever change

then the only thing another person can give you that can make a practical difference for you is money.

What do i do with it? Live? Marry?

your intention was never to consider my thoughts and suggestions

I wish it didn’t was this way, i wish i had the mind that i do actually consider your suggestion and thoughts, i value them, though i won’t lie to say that i did consider any, the only thing that i benefited it that when im lonely i talk to you in my head, create imaginary conversations, and that i have proof of someone loves

but now it is … HOT!

Hell on earth, lol

I actually don’t think a lot about climate change, its the least of my problems, since if that happened it would be a worldwide problem, we will have it first ofcourse, the middle east, the funny thing is that USA done 60% of the damage, and we take the consequences, then they come to Iraq to steal oil, Fake the 9/11, the funny thing is that 9/11 is so taboo because people died, they don’t consider the thousands of people that died in iraq because of thier greediness are people, and oh dear thier silly army with thier mental health problems, we must sympathize, im very sure that i have more mental health issues then anyone that went to iraq, and you don’t see me get anything, do i? Big unfunny joke

is it really that bad for you?

No but it really Express how i feel

that’s not hell on earth, is it?

Its not heaven either, also i thought you said i should quit smoking? Because i have a payment latter on to pay, a high price for a basic reward, imagine thining this is the best thing in my life, what a sad life, its not even funny anymore

As for describing my pain, i think i already said it above, now since i don’t want you to go back and try to know, i will say it here, its not that i won’t get love, or won’t get what i want, its the idea that i could and wouldn’t, its the idea that its my fault, that’s its my own decision im so miserable, the reason why i like birdman, is that he acknowledge this fact, that “no one will ever love him” that “he don’t exist” that “he wished that he was someone else just to be loved”, though what he did after this realization, is what made me love him, he suicide, it motivates me to care enough to do it

The only difference between me and my friend, is that he cared enough to end his own life, and i just developed apathy, just to see myself became a monster, i remember that when i was a Muslim, i begged god, “please don’t let me be an atheist, take my soul before that happen, please god, i don’t wanna go to hell, i don’t want to be bad”, one thing that he said “its either you die or you just live long enough to humiliate yourself” i guess i chooseed the latter, its everyday, would you let i loved one live like this? That’s why i wanna do it

I have seen this life before, my father, not leaving his room, paranoid, apathetic, not even caring about anything, he was 60 though, im still 20 and im worst then him, by worse i mean at least he worked and had a family, didn’t bother to fit in, you know how he died? i remember his head was on my lap, after he had a heart attack, we had to go to the hospital (there is no number for ambulance) so we went in a taxi, when he was on my lap, he was suffocating, i remember i was very uncomfortable because his head is near me, and i never get that close to him, when we got to the hospital, we rushed in, and he was dead, i had to fake being sad, because i just don’t care about him, im already heading this way, there is no doubt, i have a somekind of a defeating personality, i refuse to live like this, no one accept this life

The thing is, my days are numbered, soon life will be harder, i can lose my father retirement, or if my mother died, and i refuse to accept any less then what im already living, the only fear i got is that i became so apathetic that i don’t care to end it, sometimes i feel like i hate myself too much that i don’t do it, but sooner or later i will do it, the more i live, the more unneccessary suffering, the more i become apathetic and distant from life, tell me the truth, can it be any better then what already is? If so why does it feel like it aren’t worth it?

You always say that there is freewill, but when i look around, see myself becaming  worse then my father with no desire to change, my little sister is even more apathetic compared to me, my big sister has shopping addiction and smoking, my brother has autism, a low functioning autism, and my mother has something i can’t even describe, tell me where is the freewill? Why do i desire self sabotage and sadness? Why do i not wanna change? Im not afraid of death much, but life? It scares me, and at best i don’t even care about life, its not like im missing a lot of things, all the things i enjoy am already doing

I wish i just have what i want, not to be fulfilled, no i don’t even seek that anymore, just to get red of this annoying desire, i won’t satisfy it, never, on my dead body, i just need prove to shut up this mind “can’t stop the bad voices”

I just wish that after death, i have a very short dream where i cry, but this cry somehow heals, feels good, can’t even ask for anything more, everything is too expensive, basic desires requires a massive payment, a high price for little reward, i perfer apathy

This thing, its in me, i have seen it in my father, this pessimism, its like a disease that eat you alive, you cannot get red of it, a very few people that has it, (the auther of American splendor/ phillip Seymour / Charles bukowski) and i won’t call it depression, since that implies its an illness with a cure, what is the cure ? Death.

I wish you didn’t feel guilty following my input about smoking

No its ok, i think this gulit is good since it can make me quit something that hurt me

I will not repeat it.

No, i want you to say anything you like, i just mentioned what i was feeling, i don’t want you to hide the truth from me just because it hurts me or makes me feel guilty, say any truth no matter how much it hurts me, i will get used to it, and its important i accept it as soon as possible,

how did he do it

Hang

That’s why I mentioned the inconvenience/ difficult-life consequence.

Maybe those will give me enough motivation to relieve myself, or i might even develop more apathy

it is too hot for a walk.

In here its too hot to be alive lol

yet a habit is a habit (so is smoking)

Its funny because i remember developeding a walking as a habit, and i didn’t like it, i even got a program that track footsteps, and i manged to get the 1nd one trophy (after around a year) i remember that if i stopped for a day or two, i just lose interest and have to do the whole thing again, and i had to listen to music to make it barebale, i reminded myself that walking makes you live longer, oh my god, more years to suffer, no thanks, i quit as soon as possible (i had to continue out of boredom) it was so hard to waste time that i had to include walking in my routine, the benefit of smoking for me is more then the negatives, if i got lung cancer, that’s a one way closer to death, if i didn’t die, then at least i will have an excuse to not do anything, an excuse to not live, and i wouldn’t feel so guilty, but then again i might not, did i mention that i have asthma? im slim, and healthy, but its genetic, the funny thing is, i used to struggle from asthma before i even smoke, but nowdays i don’t even have it, i guess it was the whether, but i tell you im gonna have a hard life to live, im my own worse enemy, i just saw that my feelings (of begging if you remember) got back, the learned helplessness,

I saw a woman today, she has a pharmacy, one of the few interaction with her that made me like her, i was looking for my medication, and i went to the all pharmacy near me, they didn’t have it, she was nice enough to bring one to me “i looked hard for this medication but i didn’t find the specific one, but i found the same with another brand, but i thought that you need it, because you are used to it”, i was so glad that not only i found my medication, but that i met such a good person, i saw her today, and i remembered who is the blame for not having such people, i would pay anything just to be with her, i got a very short anger and said “F*CK”, i know that i already said this and i will try not to mention this again, it just gets in my nerve

My apologies for not responding to your post, i somehow didn’t see it

I realized that I may have come across as manipulative

It did sound like it when i first read it, and i wanted to point it out in a respectful way, but when i re read it, and took my time thinking, i knew that this wasn’t what you mean, and you meant only that thing is important, so i replied “i will take this very seriously then”

please don’t treat what I am sharing with you as a Nothing, because if you do, it will hurt my feelings and it will hurt what I feel about you.

Your feelings matters to me, even if i didn’t felt in the video you sent, i would still try, out of respect to you and what you do, and how much you give, even if you didn’t, i just admire your personality, and would at least put some effort for you, even if we didn’t had this conversation

You may not reply to me at all.. maybe for no other reason but for you being apathetic

Since apathy is just a defense mechanism, and since i no longer need it when i talk to you, but if i could control my emotions, i would choose you to spend my feelings on

I remember reading that the smart people who choose to care about the right things, i do care about my sister, actually i might even care too much, i did cared about sara (until she proven that it isn’t worth it to care about her), so i do care about you anita, although i don’t know you very much, but i feel like i have an idea, of how you might be, and i like that idea.

It was a risk to send you the information I did

Im glad that you did share it, i hope it doesn’t effect you badly, i appreciate that you risk it just to told me, though since i care about you and don’t want you to be hurt, i would suggest we take precautions (such as using email) i would be more then glad to give you mine, only if you think its neccessary, just skip this section of the replay if it is no, im just suggesting really

Dear anita, i listen to the song carefully, i will save it so i can listen to it when i think about you, i look up for the subtitle, “doesn’t matter” “you and i will change the world” i wished that you were here, so we can actually do that, i felt goosebumps just thinking about it

I wish i wasn’t on antidepressants, i would’ve felt more, i would’ve loved this moment, i would fantasize, its funny because i have a strong need to feel special, and you do exactly that, i thought “what are the chances of such thing to happen?” Its a mystery to me why you love me the way you do, i ask “why me?” “From the all people she talk to, she must seen better”, when you say things “only to you” i feel very flattered, not just because i feel special, but its coming from a such a wonderful person, and she knows me very well, the good and bad

a *none* normie is a person who genuinely likes and loves Murtaza just as he is (not wanting to change him).

That’s true, its funny because you always say this and get ths answer right, you know me like i know myself, that’s too good

In your recent replay you sounded excited, but in this replay you sounded bit disappointed if i may say (or less excited), did you expect me to answer something specifically? Im just guessing here, but your feelings is important to me, i wish i can give back, the things you give to me, with the same value they are to me.