Can you tell me about your values and beliefs?

well from where im from everybody believes in god, its an Islamic country, i don’t believe in any god

i don’t believe in the self, nor freewill

i don’t believe that life is worth living, i don’t believe its worth the trouble of fighting

i can’t remember any more right now, i will have to think about this, as for values

i don’t value anything, almost, i see values as something to be controlled by, though i think my brain value some things, such as truth, comfort, peace, my alone time, music, im flexible when it comes to values, i sometimes lie, or not follow the truth, but my brain still seek it and value it, i might value love, but i don’t have it, i value the people that are close to me, my little sister, some online friends, though i don’t value friendships, i don’t value people in general, i see them as a resource

What are your goals

well my number one goal is to have the easiest life there is, that means no fighting, no changing, no struggle, no people that might make my life harder, that properly means misery but so be it, i actually don’t want this goal, its just a part of my programming, my mother always takes the easy way, its a deep problem that takes root in my teenage years, and no i don’t wanna fix it, because guess what ? that means i have to drop this goal because more suffering will come from trying to fit and change, and i despise society, and his values and beliefs, i was a Muslim, and i suffer greatly because of that, because of society stupid beliefs and values, i suffer greatly, and im not only saying that on where i live, i mean everybody, i was on the internet most of my adult life, normal people (people who has normal values and beliefs, that was abstracted from society as a whole) fall in the same category of hate, i have a history of following people ideas and advice, and none of them worked for me, no i don’t feel different, I am different, that belief is based on numerous evidence

 and dreams?

since dreams have no limits, i have many in this regard, all are incompatible with reality and my goals and values, i dream of crying, not like crying in reality, but a cry that heal somehow, i also dream there is someone who is hugging me while, understand my pain, sympathies with me, hold me, i sometimes imagine myself as a baby, who being taken care, loved, nurtured, sadly i can’t seem to imagine this, only a fraction, only few pictures for few seconds, i used to have a rich fantasy world, but even that is gone now, i fantasized about all kind of things, but over time i started to believe less and less in them, sadly my brain prefers reality based fantasy, a world where i can get what i need and desire without paying a price, a price i can’t afford, but as i got older i found that i can’t imagine a lie, something that will never happen to me, even in my dreams i had to drop my standards, i used to think a lot of ways i can get what i want without changing, pity love, a situation where i get free love, so desperate, as a result, i don’t see women as a potential partner, i only see someone who can satisfy my needs and desire, a mother, sadly where i live there is no CBT, but at this point i refuse to change, i refuse to do anything that conflict with my beliefs and goals, so even that is lost

i really don’t care anymore about any of this really, im not sad, i actually have a somehow a decent life, an easy one, one that i don’t have to do anything, one that i live by my rules in it, not other people rules, i don’t respect rules, even the ones i make, since its just my programming running in the background, i don’t take responsibility of being a human, i don’t take any kind of responsibility i don’t like.

im glad that you are asking, but can you tell me why? what’s the point ?

it appears you experienced love as very conditional and weren’t loved and accepted for who you are

it doesn’t matter, it happened, and nothing will be changed, i was created in a way that guarantee misery, i won’t change, neither is society

Would you like to expand on it a bit more? What happened 3 years ago, when you started feeling this way?

i would like to, but i already did once with antina, there is no point, she ended up ignoring me, when she knew that i don’t wanna change, that i am a lost case, i don’t blame her, i just wished i did wanted to change, i just wished i wasn’t so different, at least i will have the idea that i can be loved, just the idea makes a difference, i really love myself, or at least i try to, but the cost of love when it comes to other people is so high, so expensive for me, and i know, i know there is nothing without a price, i just won’t pay it, even antina, i really great person didn’t wanna continue talking to me, i don’t wanna waste anyone time anymore.