Hi peter, thank you for telling me a bit about your personal experience, i wanted to ask how are you in my last post, but i realised people don’t like to be asked personal questions.

I feel so ashamed of everything, just existing, i feel so much gulit, i don’t know if its the withdrawal symptoms or the state of my life, its all my fault.

I did it again, i made a decision under apathy, i should’ve done my research, i can’t keep doing this, i can’t do things without caring and endure the consequences.

the Generalized anxiety disorder is killing me, i can’t fight a random/fast thought, maybe i can, like always, i take exuces, i don’t even think about suicide anymore, i know i can’t, i know i won’t do it, i liked the idea that i could leave whenever, the freedom of it, but its just a lie i tell myself, i knew this.

I don’t know if my problem can be fixed externally, if i do something, maybe work, i will no longer feel shame and guilt, but the GAD gonna gets worse.

I miss my meds, i didn’t feel anything, i didn’t feel botherd or ashamed or guilt, no GAD.

Also just so you know, i wanted to do online therapy yesterday, i liked the idea that someone could listen to me, but there were some external problems, too expensive to solve, i still wanna do it, if there were easier option.

  But you don’t doubt this. You “know” with certainty that certainty is not possible,

I doubt it before, but i find it compelling,  by observation, we really don’t know a lot about anything, we just do what everybody do, what if its wrong? Who cares? We won’t know if its wrong.

I have to have a basic certainty for my doubts, some order in my mind, i do doubt my beliefs sometimes, but not because of an argument someone made, just because someone thought, or the majority don’t believe in it, i like when someone makes a good argument against my belief, its a nice exercise to my mind, don’t you think?

One of the things  noted in your comments is that they show no indication of being in doubt

Because i tried and it does nothing, external validation is useless when i belief the opposite, though i do show my doubt side, don’t you remember? Asking for validation were because of doubt, doubt of myself, doubt of if im doing the right thing, doubt that its my fault, a never ending doubt supported by Generalized Anxiety Disorder, so it will never ends and never leaves, the only time i did experience a peace of mind were on meds, but it was so costly, so expensive, no feelings, no passion, suffering is tasteless, life is boring and doll, and it was money wise expensive too.

Though i do feel regret quitting it, because now its also bad, too much feelings, too much loneliness, a strong soul numbing desire to be loved, knowing it won’t will never happen, everyday a reminder.

Thinking about those two options, with drugs, or without, i can swear i would never pick an option that will satisfy me, both options are as bad as the other, both are predetermined by my own past

You have no doubt about the present which you tend to project into the future

I have the enough proof to assume the future, really what my current mindset and feelings, anyone would guess the same, what do you think will happen peter? Im really asking, what do you think based on what you read from me will happen? It makes me sad to picture the future, to know the only possibility of being happy is to not be at all.

I have seen it, for few years now, my life, going downhall, i don’t think i ever went up, i lost my diginty, self respect, feelings, passion, goals, dreams, should’ve left while i had some dignity.

as if picked randomly = no control = despair.

Tell me whats the biggest insult to having a thinking mind? Not using it, or worse forced to use in bullsh*t.

Its known that people who believe they have no control over thier lifes tend to be more depressed, im not peter sadly, i can’t have the spiritual awakening, im barely even human.

The one certainty I have is that ‘We very easily create what we Fear’

You know what i feared the most in my teenage years? To be an atheist nihilistic person, along the way i knew it would happen, the future became clearer, i believed in god back then, i prayed and prayed to not let me be this, “please god take me before”, maybe there is a god and im already in hell, interesting idea, at one time before i leave religion, i liked seeing myself in hell, suffering, it was satisfying to imagine, “fair”.

I read the story, it did make things clearer, thank you.

I understand what you mean, but i honestly have no idea how to make it happen in real life, at one point i think you said, its not something you choose, from the stroy it seems that luck/randomness made the sparrow realise, what if he wasn’t lucky enough? What if there is another sparrow that didn’t had this realisation?

You’ve asked me that several times before, and every time I tried to give you an answer, you said it was “bullshit” and that it’s not applicable to you

Can’t i just have a little bit without going the whole journey? Can’t i just feel good for a while without changing and betraying my whole life and self?

If you still feel the same about the things I’ve said

I do, i believe that healing is bullshit for me, i don’t know how to change that without first seeing that it isn’t, a proof, every experience of mine is against it.

There is no hope is there? I just don’t understand why this stops me for having love, my beliefs doesn’t effect any people, why do i have to beg people to love me, why the only love i can get is from my own mind, what’s wrong with me

I didn’t mean to argue, it just frustrat me when you say things about me that is wrong.

though you’d need to do it from a different mindset.

How do i do that? Im not gonna argue anymore, im just gonna listen, i feel like sh*t teak, i don’t know what to do, i hate life so much

You don’t need to give up trying to connect with people,

Yes i do, im clearly not gonna pay the fee so i might as well not try to get something thats not supposed to be free.

You misunderstand my post, i didn’t come “back”, i was never in in the first place, i have no place here.

I do feel the apology is needed, because i came in a place that offer a certain thing, and i asked for something else, then i was rude about when i received the first.

On our first conversation, you said: “it turns out i don’t know you after all”

You still don’t.

Dear datslyfe, your replay not only bothers me but its a lie.

Life isn’t precious, having one life doesn’t mean it is precious, it only means if you die what you did in that life will go to waste, you won’t be to remember or to feel proud, this is not my point of view, this is nearly a fact.

Its been ages and i still have the same thought, suicide is better, but i don’t do it, sadly.

Your advice is not something you thought of, its just something that has been told to you, fed to you, you never doubt it, you just followed.