Anita, It’s been both really.
We were never homeless or hungry, but it was way too close for comfort.

It was the early 90’s. My wife was still trying to finish school, we had twin toddlers and I was hardly making any money when I was working. There were frequent layoffs and we literally were raiding the kids piggy bank for gas money. A $50 car repair may as well be $5000, I just didn’t have it.

Since these were pre-internet days, finding a job consisted of you looking for ads in the paper then actually driving to a place to apply (we live in a mostly rural area, no public transportation). Needless to say it was very difficult.

There were also a few times when I was totally blindsided by a job loss.
Seriously, no clue, no warnings, you came to work one day and were told you no longer had a job. During the last crash I ended up selling a lot of things, including my car (that only had 1 more year of payments left) just to stay afloat. I damm near broke out in tears right in front of everyone as I handed the dealer my keys.

This is another factor in my desire for self employment, a lack of trust in employers. Things are better now, but I will never forget those times and feel like it could happen again at any time.

Thanks again everyone for the input.
A bit of better news. I believe I figured out the cause of my work anxiety. Seems it was the memory of a very upsetting incident while working for my father around 20 years ago.

We got into a huge argument and at one point he said either get back to work or get out. I had a family to support, it was a hard decision, but I could take no more and left. I did not speak to my father for a year!

I was reading somewhere that you should recall painful incidents in the past, think about them then, address your feelings and move on. Amazingly that seemed to work.

That being said, I still have most of my original problem of not liking work, and yes it’s a lot to do with my co workers and my feeling that I don’t have control of my situation. Elizabeth, you’re right, I am burned out and tired.

I would love to have my own business, but there are many issues I have with that. Maybe if I could be mentored through the process it would help?
I’m scared to borrow any money. To me, that feels like committing myself to many more years of work (because I lack confidence my business would succeed?) I don’t know how to “run” a business when it comes to things like taxes, becoming an LLC, insurance, etc… And I don’t know what type of business to start.

From my experience it is far from easy or quick to weaken that voice, that internalized, abusive parent. It is a process that requires work, persistence, a whole lot of patience. It is often uncomfortable and distressing. There is suffering in healing, only there is hope in this kind of suffering.

So what can I do to start the process?

Anita,
I think the jobs secure, it’s just a feeling of uncertainty I picked up on.

Keep in mind I’ve only been here a couple months. Maybe it’s just new job anxiety?

The logical part of my brain says learn to deal with it. Moving to another job would just repeat the cycle.

I have a goal to get all debit paid off and then, maybe in a year I can shift to part time. The downside is I won’t be able to put much, if any money aside for retirement if I do that.

What can I do to deal with work until then?

Hi Anita,
Yes, I think you are surprisingly accurate.

One of the things I missed out on was leaving home after high school to have the “college experience” which would, I feel, would have given me the time and chance to sort out what I wanted to do with my life. Of course when college was mentioned, the replies were “we can’t afford it” and the phrase “college educated idiot” was heard more than a few times. Seeing as how my father was successful without higher education, he didn’t put much stock in the idea.

My father passed away in 2012 and I thought that I would feel different after, but the ghost of him still lingers.

My wife will be able to retire in 5 years with her piddly little teacher’s pension (if they don’t find a way to steal it from her first). At that point we plan to move to a town we really love and start easing into part time work and possibly real estate . We should be debit free (other than the house) within a year and I’m currently making the most money I’ve ever earned.

I’m thinking now would not be a good time to walk away from a well paying career, but I have to make peace with this somehow.

My wife wonders if I can just tough it out a few more years? I’d really rather not waste any more of my life being miserable, but on the other hand being patient could pay out some big benefits a little way down the road.