Hi Andrea,

I understand how overwhelmed you are. A few years ago I went through a blast of life changing events that shattered my whole being, spiritually and physically. I too wanted to get through it all on my own because I had always believed that I was strong enough to handle burdens of all kinds. (that is another story about why I felt I could do this.) No matter what the life changing events are to each person, it matters and can not be compared. Remember it’s okay how and how long you take to find your peace of mind and acceptance…because everyone is different and can not be compared.

On the note of moods and meds…I kept collapsing even with the help of therapist. When I found myself on my mothers couch (that couch!) and was looking to others to pick me up because I couldn’t do it myself anymore. That’s when I went on Paxil. 20mg. It took a year or so of me accepting that I was unable to help myself without the aid of meds.Then It took some more time for me to become aware that I was working against the meds and my perspective was a choice. Now (almost 3 years) on meds I see how it has helped me do the things I want to do without the anxiety and debilitating fear. Don’t get me wrong I continue to work through anxiety and fear but it’s manageable and through each change and step forward it is my practice to recognize it is me doing it not the other self on meds. I mean if I wanted to I can cause myself to panic and freak out if i wanted but the meds somehow feel safe in the sense that if i work with them I can work through what I need to. Like I said earlier, there is no comparison and no judgment accept what you put on yourself. So, from my experience I have let go (with practice) feeling that being on meds is now a permanent way I need to live life. It is just for now, and just until when that time comes I too can let go of being on them.

The way I see it is, it takes time ( no comparison or judgment) to grow through your change and it takes time for all the new experiences to reveal themselves, just as it takes time to get to know someone through multiple experiences. Take it easy on yourself and know that whatever place it is you want to move forward to, it will happen. And if you like me, when enough time and perspective and distance comes between that compact blast of change all at once, you will see that if you had never had experienced that much pain and suffering you wouldnt be able to see how paying attention your self through those little steps each day has changed you for the good.

No matter what you choose, meds or no meds there is work to be done spiritually and physically along side your healing process. Any friend of mine would say, take care of your self and if you want to be different do things differently. Everything happens for the good! I wish you the best Andrea! and don’t give up! Maybe tossing your couch out in the trash is a symbol of your devotion to yourself!

Monster Magic.