“I forgot to mention something. I poured my heart into a letter for her last year and she really didn’t care. She doesn’t care to know how im doing for what it seems like, so is this clear that she doesn’t care anymore? Or is she still hurt?”

It is clear she doesn’t care anymore. Whether this is because she is still hurt or simply because she’s moved on is besides the point. She doesn’t care anymore. There’s nothing you can do about that. I’m sorry for your pain. Let her go.

May I also advise you to ignore everything Christopher has said? You don’t have to go out there and mass-collect phone numbers. Nor do you have to live up to what Tom Brady would do, whoever he is. It’s ok to take a little time to mourn this relationship, to let it truly deeply sink in that she’s gone, before you try to meet someone new. It’s also ok to get out there and get to know more people, just to make friends and maybe find a new girl. It’s also ok to hit the dating scene hard if that’s what you want to do. What I wouldn’t suggest is some kind of focussed girl-hunt where you set yourself a target of how many phone numbers you need to ask for.

Be kind to yourself. You’re hurt.

My best wishes.

“I don’t want to break things off while he is in such a vulnerable place, being deployed and the possibility of not knowing if he is okay during this time scares me. Cutting off all contact is frightening. I am once again caring more about his feelings and well being than my own I suppose.”

Yes, you are, and you don’t have to be. You’re miserable. You don’t know how he will feel if you break things off, but that’s not your responsibility. He has not treated you well. You are miserable. Those are plenty good reasons to break it off. His emotional situation is not for you to manage.

“So do I ignore the past and wait this out, or do I end things and feel like a horrible person for doing so…no matter the decision, I will suffer.”

If you end things now, you may feel like a horrible person (though I see no need for you to). But on the other side of that suffering, there will be freedom. If you walk away now, you’ll have walked a considerable distance when he comes back from his deployment.

If, on the other hand, you wait this out (knowing you want the relationship to end anyway), you’ll suffer while waiting, and you’ll still suffer when you break it off eventually. Remember the kind of person he is:

“He told me he was ill and had a tumor that had to be removed before he deployed in the next two months?! I definitely believe he used these chain of events to make me feel horrible about leaving him when he was “going through so much”. ”

He will try to make you feel bad for leaving him regardless of the situation. That’s how he’s managed to hold on to you thus far. Don’t fall for this trap. It’s not your fault he’s got a tumour or is in the army. You’re not his social worker. You don’t have to stay with him until he feels better. How long is that going to take, anyway? You deserve better. If he wanted to be with you, he should have treated you better. Don’t let him manipulate you into staying or coming back.

I agree with Natasha that the cycle of abuse, or the tactics abusers use are relevant here. I’m not saying he’s definitely an abuser, but he’s manipulative and there are well-known psychological traps that people can get stuck in for years. It seems to me that might happen here. Walk away now, and in a few months you’ll be walking in the sun. Delay your journey, and the walk won’t get any easier.

This is a tough situation to be in. I hope you’ll be OK. My best wishes.

Aw, man! That is a sucky way to lose a community you enjoyed being part of.

OK, so you’ve tried to figure out just why this event had such a profound effect on you, and you’re not sure. Some time has passed, it seems, and you’re not over it. That takes the obvious advice out of the equation.

Maybe it would help to do some separation rather than dealing with the entire tangle at once. So, there was the feedback which was soul-destroying. And you dealt with that, I don’t want to say badly, but in a way that fell short of full resolution. That’s one thing.

Then there’s the next thing, which was the prospect of facing these people again. Your feelings were so strong that you decided to avoid that, and you left the community. This, too, is an unresolved situation because now you’re worried about going to this event even though they’re not likely to be at it. But I want to stress that your decision not to go, your decision not to face them was completely legitimate. We all do what we have to do to stay safe, emotionally. And sometimes we do things that, from the outside, might look silly, but at the time they were necessary or we wouldn’t have done things that way.

I think there might be a third layer in that if you now go back, you may feel pressure to explain your absence or just feel awkward because you left in such a sudden and strange way (and not because this congregation wasn’t right for you).

I think the key is going to be acceptance, and that may have to be a slow, creeping progress. That’s why I tried to tease the different strands apart, because what you’re writing feels a bit like this kind of shame-ball that sounds a bit like butwhatiftheyrethereIcantfacethemwhydidIevenIdontunderstandwhythiseffectsmesomuchImsodumbIshouldbeabletohandleitimagineseeinghimandhesallpoliteandshitbutwhatwouldhethinkbutwhydoIevencarewhathethinksaaaaaaaaah!

See if it becomes easier to digest once you tease some of the fibres apart.

“Her having sex after we broke up isn’t the problem. Her having sex whilst pregnant with my child, is the problem. It’s undoable.”

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘undoable’. Do you mean she shouldn’t have done it? Or that it can’t be undone? What? What’s the problem with it?

“It affected me so much that I had to move 50 miles away. I view the men she had sex with whilst carrying my child as fateful enemies & wish they be held accountable for their actions.”

But those dudes did nothing wrong. Accountable for what actions? Having sex with someone who wanted to have sex with them?

“If I hadn’t moved away I would most likely have administered punishment myself. Poetic justice would be for them to experience exactly what I did. For the woman carrying their child to screw around whilst pregnant. I do hope this to happen to all or any of them.”

Why would you assume those guys would even be upset by that? You act as if there is some kind of universally understood rule that you can’t have sex with a woman who is pregnant with a baby from somebody else, but there isn’t. Seriously. A lot of guys wouldn’t even care, even if they cared about the kid.

As for “rolling over” and accepting the facts of reality, I’ll leave you with this from the dhammapada (first chapter):

3. “He abused me, he struck me, he overpowered me, he robbed me.” Those who harbor such thoughts do not still their hatred.

4. “He abused me, he struck me, he overpowered me, he robbed me.” Those who do not harbor such thoughts still their hatred.

5. Hatred is never appeased by hatred in this world. By non-hatred alone is hatred appeased. This is a law eternal.

6. There are those who do not realize that one day we all must die. But those who do realize this settle their quarrels.

Heidi, you are not being irrational. The way he talks about you to his friend is not on. I suggest you speak to him.

Just wanted to say I read your posts and I recognise your pain and your courage in using it as a catalyst for growth. You’re doing well.

With time, I think you will find the celebration that you now crave so much from your family. It may never come from them, but there may be other ways to feed that hunger.

Keep walking. All my best wishes.

Wow, this is tough. It sounds like you’ve finally taken responsibility for your own actions and your unhappiness by moving back to be with your family. That must have been a tough decision. And now you’re stuck between your family and kids, and the woman you still love.

You don’t say much about the circumstances of the break-up. How did she respond? What is her attitude towards your family/your children? You say it doesn’t seem too much to ask of her to join you, because you did the same when you first got married. The difference is, when you first got married, you were mad in love and didn’t have 5 years of projected “toxic stew” sitting between you.

I can’t read her mind, and I don’t know much about the situation, but I can think of reasons why she wouldn’t want to move house to be with you after you left her. You know how hard it is to leave your life behind. And she has no promise of rainbows and bunny-rabbits if she does move. She’s likely looking at a lot of processing, possibly awkwardness with your family and kids, and the repair of a relationship she might already think of as over.

You had a very tough decision to make. Now that you’ve made the choice, it’s hurting. I think that was inevitable. Allow yourself time to grieve and regret, but work on building your new life, based on the choice you made. I hope it works out for you.

“I know it is 2015 but guys still think bad shit about women that do this so quickly.”

And why exactly would you want to be in a relationship with one of those guys?