I don’t think it’s a matter of whether he’s jealous or afraid you’ll be taken away or whatever. I think he’s just being a dick. Sometimes teenagers discover dickishness gives them a rush of power (because everyone just kind of shuts up when they crush them with their overt assholery). But to be honest, it doesn’t matter why.

Your brother is being extremely rude. This is an issue of boundaries and standing up for yourself.

If he butts in when he’s not even part of the conversation, perhaps try responding like that’s the most unexpected and rude thing ever: “Excuse me? We’re having a conversation here,” or, “If you would let me finish please?” If you’re talking to him and he’s rude, dismissive or critical, just dismiss it. “Right. Thank you for your opinion. Do you want me to just shut up, then?” Another good one if someone is being rude is to just call it: “How rude are you!” or “Don’t be rude. I was talking to mum.”

I know it’s easier to just shrink and stop talking about the things that are important to you because your overbearing brother will have some negative thing to say about it. The problem with that is that you will shrink as he expands, unfairly, at your expense. I think it will hurt your confidence and, in the long term, your social skills if you let him shut you down like that.

It sure sucks to have to deal with someone so critical, dismissive and interrupting in your own home. But if you shrink to accommodate him, the next asshole in your life will have that much easier a time walking all over you. You don’t have to fight, but you have to have boundaries.

Have you talked to your mother (or other family members) about how you feel? Can you get them on your side? Have you tried a calm conversation with him about this pattern of him dismissing your interests and likes? Maybe he doesn’t realise what he’s doing. It wouldn’t be good for him to grow up an asshole, either, so really you’re doing everyone a favour by not rolling over.

It’s tough though. Good luck/work hard.

This is a tough one. Good on you that you’re trying to work on your (very legitimate) anger.

When you say you don’t want to forgive, I think what you mean is you don’t want to say, “what you did was ok”. But perhaps in time you can come to a place that is a kind of forgiveness, that says: “I don’t know what strange conditions and twisted understanding caused you to do these things, and I don’t need to know. You were wrong. I hope in time you will learn, even if I don’t believe you will. I bear you no ill will. Our ties are nothing to me, you’re just another person who does ill in this world. It is nothing to me.”

Does that seem like a reasonable goal to aim for?

As for the anger itself, what helps me is to try not to rehearse the anger by thinking about how wrong they are or what I would say to them or why they are like that or venting about it to a friend or any of that kind of rah rah rah stuff, but instead just feel the anger, quietly, without mental narration. Focus on the physical sensations of being angry, until they fade, and keep extinguishing the thoughts that call up this angry feeling.

This is hard as hell for sure, and you have to make sure you don’t quell your anger out of a sense that it is wrong to be angry. You are right to be angry. It’s just not helpful to you or anyone else. Keep your eye on that more peaceful internal state that you’re after, and remember you’re doing this for you, it’s nothing to do with him. You don’t have to care about him, and you’ll hurt less the less you care.

It will take time. I hope you find your way.

As long as you keep comparing yourself to others, stalking them on facebook for signs they’re doing better than you, hating on them when they are, gossiping with people and then worrying if they gossip about you, and defining your worth in terms of how many friends/boyfriends/achievements/admirers you have, you will be unhappy.

You know that these behaviours and thought patterns aren’t helping you. So stop.

No, seriously, just stop. It’s not easy, but it is simple. You ask how to begin a practice that will help you be happy. It’s simple. Be happy. Do the opposite of what you describe yourself doing here.

When you find yourself comparing to others, tell yourself: hey, it doesn’t matter what they get up to. I’ll just worry about my own business. And then you turn to your own next step or favourite project and get stuck in that.
When you find yourself on facebook, tell yourself: hey, look, I’m on facebook again. I know that’s not making me happy, so I’m going to go somewhere else now.
When you find yourself hating on others, turn it around: hey now, self, that’s not a nice thing to think. Whatever good and bad qualities they have, I hope they’re happy with their boyfriend/vacation/stylish new skirt/job prospect/gold medal/new position as president of the united states. We all have good and bad qualities, and we all hope to be happy. So I hope they will be happy, and I hope I will be happy too.
When you find yourself gossiping, change the subject: but enough about that person, what do you think of the situation in Ferguson? Isn’t it crazy?
When you find yourself putting yourself down, try practicing the opposite: I may not have a boyfriend, but I have me. I have my mind, I have my plans, I have my hopes and dreams (and if you haven’t, time to get some!) I really hope I’ll do well and grow happy. I don’t know if all these cheesy lines are going to help with that at all, but I’m willing to give it a shot because being unhappy is just no fun!

Or just, you know, keep a gratitude diary or something. Any little step can be the first one.

I’m not sure if this is helpful, or if it’ll just annoy you. I do know that there are things you can do to change the way you think and act, and through that, change how happy you are. I managed it. So have some others on this forum. It’s a long road, but the weather gets better as you walk along.

It sounds like you’re doing all the right things. I think the mindfulness and meditation is doing you good, it’s just not an instant cure-all. You’re still going to have bad days. The trick is to recognise them as bad days, not final proof and evidence that you are irreperably broken and unable to love.

Have you told him what you explained here in your message? It seems he’s your first and most important ally. Tell him about your worries. Let him know you’re working on learning how to trust and letting go of your anger and mistrust. He will want to help you.

When you say, “I just want to be happy and let myself experience the love that is right in front of me” you ask for something very reasonable, and reacheable. But you may not always be there. No one is constantly happy and experiencing love, but hopefully you feel that way at least some of the time, at least for a moment. Treasure those moments. Remember them and accept them as signs that you are making progress, that you’re not forever trapped by your past and your suspicious mind. This can be a type of meditation too, where you remember feeling good about him and your relationship, and just smile because there is sweetness in your life.

With time, hopefully those moments will become more common, and the outbursts less. And that’s what happiness looks like for most of us.

Stay the course. May you be happy.

Is there a reason why you can’t propose a marriage to him?

Anyway, yes, I don’t want to get married. I have done relatively well for myself financially through living simply. I can’t foresee all eventualities but marriage would probably be a financial risk rather than a boon for me.

I don’t want children, and divorce is too painful and complicated to warrant the risk. What do I gain by being married? Not enough for it to be worth it. I will stay with my partner, and he will stay with me for as long as the staying is good. And if things change so that we don’t want to be together anymore, I want us to be free to leave.

Marriage is not a guarantee that you won’t be alone, as you have seen already. Husbands can die or leave you (or act in such a way that you want to leave them) just as easily as boyfriends can.

What is it that appeals to you about marriage? Why are you considering it now?

Look, non-monogamous relationships can work, but they require a lot of open and honest communication, consideration of each other’s feelings and general emotional intelligence.

This non-manogamous relationship is not working. You don’t like his sleeping around, but you don’t even feel like you can air your feelings? So on some level you sense he doesn’t care how you feel, he’ll do as he damn well pleases. Why are you even considering moving in with this guy?

Madonna-whore complex is a real thing, but it’s not an excuse to sleep around when you know your partner isn’t ok with that. If he can’t get it into his head that a woman can be a freak in the sack and a respectable human being at the same time, maybe he’s not ready to have actual relationships with actual respectable human beings.

Get rid of this clown. If it truly hurts to part with him, leave your number and tell him to get in touch when he sorts his damn head out.

When you say “attack”, you mean a physical attack?

If so calling the police was a completely appropriate thing to do. What he did was serious, and your response was serious, and that’s correct. You don’t fuck about when it comes to domestic violence. Don’t let your family spin your head around on this.

There’s one part of me that wants to say, “he’s an abuser, get out, get out!” but there’s another part that wants to see the other side. Has he been violent before? Does he have anger issues? Was he just so upset and confused by this completely out of the blue separation that he lost his mind? And why was he upset? Is it that he’s heartbroken at the thought of losing you and the kids, or because his nice, easy stable little home life which he didn’t have to put any effort into was suddenly disintegrating? Was he sad at having lost you through his neglect, or angry at losing control?

You mention flowers, candlelight dinners and jewelry. Is that what he gave you, but you just wanted to be told? Or did he in fact give you nothing at all, not even a verbal confirmation that he loved you, despite you asking more than once, and showing him by “being emotional” that this was something you actually cared about?

I believe in second chances. I believe people can change. But I think you should ask yourself some serious questions like these.

And I wish you strength and support and comfort in this difficult time. I hope your course will become clear soon, and then easier and easier as you sail along.

Perhaps rather than “oh no, I can’t,” you can say to yourself, “I choose not to.”

I would like some new running shoes, but it is more important right now that I stay within my budget and demonstrate to myself that I am disciplined and not blown about by any want that pops into my head.
Running marathons is a big, expensive thing. This year I started a business, so for now, that’s the big expensive thing that’s taking up my time, energy, and my money. This is bringing me joy and it was a good choice.
I need shampoo, but I can probably last a few days until the end of the week and buy it with next week’s budget. It might seem silly to some people, but actually, I take pride in sticking with my budget.

Smile to yourself and rest easy in the knowledge that you don’t actually need these things.

Or, perhaps sometimes you can say: “Hey, some part of me seems to think I can’t afford shampoo. That’s interesting. It strikes me as perhaps slightly ridiculous. Let me sit down and talk to this money-frightened part of me and see what it’s really worried about, and whether those worries are real and reasonable, or just ingrained thought-patterns.”

Either can work. Good luck.