Tannhauser,

Where to begin — apologies in advance for the small book.

I’ve gone back and read many of your posts and definitely empathize with a lot of the frustration you’ve had.  While my awakening was not truly spontaneous because I was engaged in some yogic practice, heavy bouts of meditation, and cannabis use — I had not intended for it to occur. There’ve been plenty of times since then where I’ve had that exact same feeling of wishing it could all go back to the way it was, looking into how to stop the process, damning the divine, as well as experiencing suicidal ideation.

I had a bout last month where I was unable to sleep for a few weeks due to energetic phenomena moving through me particularly at night and loud ‘psychic’ sound heard in my head (called the nada, shabd, the word, etc) and began attempting to self-medicate heavily with alcohol just to fall asleep. This lack of sleep, the alcohol and my general attitude made this a lot more difficult than it had to be. After a certain point, I realized I had to give surrendering to it a shot and the intensity became dulled and I’ve become more used to the sound (and now use it as an object of meditation).

Suffering = Pain x Resistance

It’s not my intention to be trite with this statement, which I could have easily read it as when I was struggling. There are numerous ways to lessen the resistance.

A few of the big ones I recommend are:

• Sattvic Diet, or at the very least paying close attention to how your body and mind feel with your current diet. Reduce or eliminate any stimulants or depressants.
• A practice working with subtle energy: Hatha Yoga, Qi Gong, Tai Chi, martial arts disciplines which focus upon subtle energy/chi (Kung Fu/Ninjitsu/etc) are but a few options.
• Bodywork (Massage/Acupuncture) and Energy Healing modalities.
• Serious self care. Self-massage, hydrotherapy — salt baths, etc.
• Therapy. I know this has been mentioned before and don’t particularly recommend conventional psychoanalytical practitioners or much of Western medicine as they may, lacking sufficient context, aim to throw you in a white padded cell or at best misdiagnose you. However, there are many folks out there who are working with people going through spiritual crises/awakening which are going to be better equipped to help out. A large number of them are open to providing services remotely as well if you’re unable to find one you click with locally.  You may want to look into transpersonal or depth psychology as these are either geared towards viewing healing from a spiritual angle or rooting out some of the deeply buried issues we hold onto which create energetic blocks and complicate this process.
• Meditation. Again, mentioned before and I saw it was dismissed at the time — but it seems to smooth things out as it were. There’s a ton of different modalities to choose from, and I like to point folks toward Yoga Nidra who have no or limited meditation experience to start with. There are a lot of guided versions available which I haven’t used personally as well as many yoga studios offering clinics.
• PMA. Can’t be understated, but even knowing this I’ve had to work through some of this nonsense until I could actually “feel” positive. There’s really so much to this and I don’t always have a firm grip on it myself.

I can also speak to previous interests falling away, as many of them have and I’ve become more focused on spirituality and understanding this phenomena, myself, and where I’m going with it. A few months prior to this awakening, I would have considered myself an atheist or agnostic and didn’t give anything of this sort much thought. Definite epistemological & spiritual crisis began to unfold in the first few months following my awakening. I also quit a lucrative job/career recently because I was uninterested in continuing work in it consistently and it was a source of stress I didn’t need. Alignment is key here considering how much time/mindspace is spent on it.

I think your interest in music may return, potentially when you’re less stressed. If there’s anything that seems to consistently work with people it’s harmonic resonance — especially with sacred music.

I’ve seen Kundalini characterized as demonic by Christians before, and while I suppose it’s understandable, I do believe it to be incorrect. I am still more than a bit reticent to recommend people look into triggering an awakening unless they know what they’re in for and have adequate support systems in place. Yes, it’s referred to as the serpent — but I think this concept is widely misunderstood or aligned too closely with Satan. We see this serpent in the the staff of Moses, the twin serpent in the caduceus, the DNA strand, and many, many other places. Obviously volumes more to unpack here, but I haven’t spent time recently thinking about it. In any case, I think it will be unproductive to frame this process as being possessed as this will create and maintain a huge amount of resistance.

As you have a Catholic background, there are numerous biblical references/allusions to Kundalini and the chakras. I would be surprised if most Saints, Christian Mystics, or Gnostics didn’t have similar ‘energetic phenomena’, whether it was gradually through prolonged spiritual practice or that of Kundalini. But, my heart seriously goes out to you and the lack of support you’ve found in your spiritual institutions which were unequipped to properly counsel you through this process.

Wish you the best.