Merry Christmas. Thank you for the good thoughts. I am still pretty confused by my daughter. She had magnetic stimulation for depresson and ever since  it seems like she is more cheerful and relaxed but she sleeps 12-14 hours a day and doesn’t seem to have energy to face the future. She is hiding out from life is how it feels. Today she felt very low almost paralyzed it seemed and I had to cook for her. I don’t mind cooking but first I have to think of something acceptable as nothing sounds good to her. It’s exhausting like a small fussy child. But she has stopped mentioning suicide so I feel hopeful. I am reading books like “failure to launch” and “stuck in the sick role” to try to figure out what to do to avoid enabling her. Seems so simple but it really is not for me because I am scared she cannot handle the simplest things. That is the vibe in this house. But it is a better vibe than constant crisis mode. So I keep going. – Melissa

Thank you for the many thoughts and kind thoughtful ideas. My daughter has seemed a bit better for a few days. She went to a yarn store with me one day and actually went along to my buddhist service I go to sometimes. I felt very happy having her with me there. I took a mental snapshot for my memory banks.  It was peaceful just sitting by her in the silence.

I thought about the theory Anita raised that she may be angry at me and seeking to get a lot of attention now… and I think that rings true. I know I am a good enough mother but not perfect…it turns out that she had lots of anxieties growing up that we were not aware of. She was not able to express them so we did not know. She seemed happy on the outside, healthy, had friends. But inside she was anxious…she is not able to explain it all to me but I will keep trying to understand and I told her I’m sorry I wasn’t able to delve into it when there were no clear symptoms. It’s not my fault but I feel guilty. But maybe I can atone for the unawareness now by trying to listen and  apologizing in subtle ways when I don’t understand her feelings as they are often confusing and  I keep trying to understand. Once at the beginning  I even tried to take notes but she hated that very much.

Also, I wish I could hug her or rock her but she does not like anything like that. She will let me hug her for a second occasionally but I try not to because she prefers not to be touched. She does not like a lot of sensory things like certain noises, fabrics, food textures…I have to be careful about all that.

I don’t understand how to get her to do anything. People suggest ideas but I’ve quite given up on telling her ideas. I invite her places I’m going  or suggest fun things she might like for example yarn shopping… but I cannot compel her to exercise, get a job, go on walks, volunteer. She is so tired. I did get an appointment for her doctor to recheck all her labs in a couple weeks and ask about a sleep study in case she has sleep apnea. She will take a nap and wake up tired.  I will tell her doctor my concerns about that.

I know there are a lot more parents having a very hard time as well. I went to a support group and was staggered by the long term suffering of parents over 20-30 years. Humans are amazing in our care for others. Thank you for caring to read this!

Thank you Roberta,

When her depression first started we saw her GP who actually checked on several vitamin levels. Then as she gained weight from one of her meds she began to starve herself to lose weight. So we took her to a dietician. She gradually could eat again but it’s hard.  Her labs were nomal the last time we checked… I do need to get her back into her GP to check her labs again. We try to keep fresh fruit and veg. And the rest of us eat it.  But she prefers comfort food. I wish she would eat better but I don’t say anything.

My update is that it is hard. Tonight she says she needs help and is in crisis. At times tonight  she laughs uncontrollably.  She says she wants to go to the hospital. “To get help” We have avoided this because the hospital is crowded and she will be miserable there. Or that is what we her parents think.  Her doctor said only go if she cannot be safe. She is 18 now so it is scary to think how she will be treated, we have heard horror stories.

She does come to me for comfort a lot  and I am not sure what to say. Thank you, Anita also for checking back. I feel useless, confused and tired. I will go to her now again. I will try to be strong. – Melissa

Hello,

My daughter is still doing terrible. She says I am not validating her enough. I am scared if I agree the situation is hopeless she will kill herself. She has thoughts of suicide a lot but says she can stay safe for now after we discuss it… I feel like no matter what I do it is wrong and not helping. She is trying magnetic stimulation for depression. She is trying a new med. She has side effects to everything and no benefit. She barely moves and eats lots of processed food. I buy it for her because if she doesn’t eat she gets even more lethargic. She has eating disorder symptoms and obesity now,  too. She will not take walks with anyone. She has no close friends and if she socializes she feels fake and worse after.

What can I say when she says how bad she feels. “Sorry and that is so hard”…seems like empty words. How can I validate her  depression without becoming as depressed as she is? She is coming to me for comfort and I don’t know how to respond anymore. It’s been over 2 years.  She does go to therapy and she is polite, takes meds, doesn’t do drugs but she is so limited in her life right now. I am sad. Life can be so much more.

– Melissa